The constant struggle

I was watching shows about ancient Egypt on the History channel all morning while drifting in and out of sleep. The fancy professors and book writers kept going on and on about the greatness of this and the sheer magnitude of that and look at all they accomplished and this pharaoh was 6 years old when he took power and then his mother stepped in and since she couldn't actually rule because she wasn't a man she simply changed her figure to be more mannish and wore the fake beard of Egypt and they were architectural maniacs with horribly simply tools and elaborate and golden and jewel encrusted and making up hieroglyphics and what not. As I was laying there drifting in and out of sleep watching this I started feeling really bad about the fact that I can barely get myself out of bed before 1:00pm everyday.

I feel really let down, both in myself and how the country has progressed. Where is the spark? I need, and I'm assuming many others need, the spark. So many things to complain about in America but so many luxuries we don't want to potentially sacrifice which keep us subdued. Where is our breaking point? I have little to no drive at all at this point. I don't know what is going to get me moving either.

I have brief moments of progress, and then I just slip back into the laziness. Lazy, lazy, lazy. And both the country and myself allow me to be lazy. So much time wasting junk floating about. I certainly don't have to work for my food or anything. Right now the government gives me money and I just go buy food. Maybe if I had to harvest it. Perhaps I should move to a warmer climate and start farming. Maybe I should get rid of all my electronics and TV and games and junk and just live off the land like the old times. But how will I ever know how Bob Saget met his childrens' mother? So you see my dilemma. Of course my wife wouldn't come with me to live off the land either, and that is actually an important thing. Knowing how "How I Met Your Mother" ends is not important, but it feels like it is. That is a big problem - so many things that feel like they are important even though they are so far from important it's practically immeasurable.

So that is why I am calling on all true atheists to start fucking shit up. If you truly believe that there is no God of any kind (which I do not agree with myself), and that there is no higher power of any kind and we are just these fleeting creatures that live and die for no discernible reason then start fucking some shit up. There are no real consequences to your actions. No matter what you do in the end you will simply die and anything you did while alive will not matter at all to you because at the moment you die you will instantly forget everything you ever did. So any guilt or remorse or pain or love or anything else you felt will be gone forever. "But what about courts and going to jail and stuff?" Who cares? If you're doing things right you'll be going out in a blaze of glory anyway. "But I don't want to be mean to others and what if I go crazy and hurt someone?" Well you shouldn't really care, because as soon as that other person dies, the one you hurt, all of there feelings and thoughts and everything else will immediately go away. They won't know that they had a horrible life because of you. They won't know anything at that point. So why does it matter what happens to you or me or them or us now while we are alive? If there is truly nothing after we die then it just doesn't matter at all what you do while you are alive. Like I said - all of the pain, remorse, guilt, love, joy, sadness, pleasure, everything would just vanish. Nothing you did would matter and nothing you did to others would matter because as soon as you die all of your reference points go away. As soon as the other person dies all of there reference points go away. And without reference points we really don't have anything to go on.

Why you wouldn't believe in some higher power is a little beyond my reach to be honest. If there is nothing on the other side then what the fuck am I working towards? "But you want the world to be good for your children and the rest of the world and live together in peace and harmony and forge and ahead and stuff. It's the little battles every day that get us through." Honestly, if there is nothing at the end; If there is nothing to work towards I'd almost rather sit in my home with all my little luxuries I have acquired and just not deal with the outside world and slowly fatten up and fade away. But then who would fill the void left behind by the sudden lack of dick jokes? Plus I really love my wife and my dog. Sorry world, looks like you're stuck with me.

Solving It

Sometimes when you are stuck on a scene, it’s best to go back and look at the basics. I’ve been writing sketch comedy for almost 6 years now, and I still have to go back and check out the basic structure of a scene on occasion because it just might show help you out of a trouble spot.

I have recently been fighting with a scene idea I had a while back. Everyone here at RvD Headquarters has heard me talk about it because I just can’t figure out how to write it. Here is the basic premise:

A guy walks into a pizza shop. He wants a slice of pizza. The guy behind the counter says, “Sure, we got pepperoni, we got sausage, and we got this one here. It’s the best in the city, but I gotta tell you, it don’t like black people. It’s a racist pizza.”

Huh?

So that’s the jumping off point. As the scene is currently, other people come in and learn about the racist pizza. Hilarity does not ensue.

It seems pretty racist, right? The scene is even called Racist Pizza. But that’s not the point of the scene.

As it’s written now, the guy behind the counter basically tells everyone that the pizza is racist and what the pizza is saying about them. After three and a half pages of material, I realized I had a scene that wasn’t funny and was, quite possibly, incredibly racists.

So what to do? I like the idea. I think “Racist Pizza” is a funny sounding phrase. The point of the scene is to actually show how absurd it is that an inanimate object can have an idea like racism projected on it.

How do I fix it though? I started to think that I should go with something else, like “Patriotic Pizza” or “Gay Pizza.” This might work. It’s the same idea, but for whatever reason “Racism” strikes a chord that might be interfering with what I’m trying to say. The more I think about it, the more it seems like it would work in my head. I think I could go and write “Gay Pizza” right now.

But as an exercise, I think I want to write “Racist Pizza,” just to see if I can pull off the trick of writing a funny scene that could be horribly racist but make it a funny scene that isn’t racist at all. It’s all about what is the target of the humor.

So, back to my initial idea of looking at the basics. Here is what we’ve got.

Set Up: A man walks into a pizza shop.

What Does He Want?: A slice of pizza.

Conflict: The pizza is racist.

Heighten the conflict: Different people come in, all discovering the pizza is racist.

Find a solution: Someone comes in and—

Wait a minute. I think I found the problem (one of the problems) with the scene. It’s in the heightening aspect of the scene. As it’s written, people come in and we find out that the pizza called this one a certain slur, and that one another slur, etc. So there really is no heightening. It’s just a list of (incredibly) racist terms. No wonder it’s not funny and is quite possibly racist.

I haven’t finished the scene yet, but in my next go around I think I will focus more on how offended everyone is about the racist pizza, and heighten that. I don’t know where I will go with it, but when I finally get a draft that I think is funny and doesn’t make me look like Strom Thurmond I will post it here.

So by going back to the basics, you just might find out what it is that is holding you up. We will see. If not, “Gay Pizza” awaits.

* * *

Also, the winner of the Subway $10 gift card for last week's caption contest is Geoff Crump for his introspective caption "I can't believe how much delicious cock they stuffed in this sandwich!" Thanks to EVERYONE who submitted a caption. And by “thanks” I mean “Fuck You Nat Topping.”

Geoff will receive his gift card next time I see him.

Naked Winter Sports

Olympics Schmolympics. The Germans win the Gold, Silver and Bronze for ludicrously naked winter gaming.

And you probably thought I wasn't going to post anything today.

I Was Going to...

...make fun of CPAC and Ron Paul, winner of CPAC's "Asshole We Support for President in 2012 Straw Poll." I did a Google image search for "Ron Paul." One of the first hits was a picture of a person in a polar bear costume - a bad polar bear costume.
"Ha ha!" I thought, "a Ron Paul search resulted in a lame polar bear costume. Comedy complete!" But wait, there's more!

This is a photo of the CFACT anti-global warming polar bear. One can only assume that this bear likes to swim. (Zing!) What is CFACT? CFACT is Collegians for a Constructive Tomorrow. These are people who are supposedly being educated but think that global warming is a myth. From their website:

Today, CFACT hit CPAC with a vengeance! Starting off the morning with doughnuts, we attempted to fatten up the CPAC crowd for the global cooling we're all experiencing! Folks lined up to sign our All Pain No Gain petition against Cap and Trade, while CFACT students and staff handed out buttons, bottle openers and doughnuts. The message was clear- tell our leaders we don't want Cap and Trade policies!

Later in the day, our polar bears hit the hallways to dance a little and give out cookies. "Got Global Warming? No? Have a cookie!" was what our student activists told CPAC attendees. Once again, it was busy at the petition table as folks crowded around anxious to sign the All Pain No Gain petition and get some milk and cookies!

CFACT call themselves conservative student activists. I call them

FUCKING ASSHOLE DOUCHEBAGS.

It's snowing in Chicago? That means Global Warming is a myth.

FUCK YOU!

Hey, CFACT, go orally stimulate yourselves. Love, Mikey.

"Hello, we're a bunch of lying fuckfaces."

The FOMC's Response To The September 11 Terror Attacks, And Its Lingering Effects

I tried to write something funny, but my MBA program is taking its toll on my sense of humor. I hope this is illuminating for our readers.

---

The Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC) holds the ultimate responsibility for setting federal fund rates, which in an ideal world, moderate the economy in the right direction. When recession strikes, people spend less, banks lend less, and the economy wanes. As a potential remedy, the FOMC will often elect to reduce the federal funds rate, with the hope that with money being easier to come by, banks will lend more, and individuals will spend more. When the economy is healthy, and spending and lending are high, the FOMC will increase the rate in an effort to curb inflation.
While lower lending rates do help inspire consumer confidence, it can take some time for confidence to increase. It may seem counter-intuitive that for the period of late 2001 through late 2002 the growth of money supply actually slowed despite the FOMC’s reduction in the target for the federal funds rate, however, one important factor may help explain this anomaly. In 2001, consumer confidence was already low in the face of a recession we’d been facing since March of that year. But with the destruction of a major symbol of financial strength—-The World Trade Center-—in September 2001, a psychological war was waged on our financial stability, and the result was a profound decrease in consumer confidence. The initial response, even with the lower interest rates, was for people to hold onto their money.
The country’s monetary base is increased when the Federal Reserve purchases bonds from banks in exchange for cash. However, significant growth in the money supply does not occur until banks lend the money. Lower interest rates help encourage people to borrow, but until they do, the money supply does not grow dramatically.
I believe it is fair to characterize the FOMC’s reductions of the federal rate as following an expansionary monetary policy. In fact, lowering the rate was only one of several actions taken by the Federal Reserve that qualify as expansionary monetary policy. (1) Following the attacks, the Federal Reserve issued a press release that same day stating that “The Federal Reserve System is open and operating. The discount window is available to meet liquidity needs.” This was done to temper the public’s fears about liquidity by providing "easy money", and to put a stable face on our most important government-run financial entity. (2) In the three days following the attacks, the Federal Reserve injected an average of $100 billion each day into the economy through open market operations and by making discount window loans available to any banks that needed them. (3) They temporarily suspended penalties on daylight and overnight overdrafts and temporarily suspended the rules on securities lending to make more collateral available, as well. These measures all demonstrate an expansionary monetary policy. (Parry, 2001)
It’s difficult, if not impossible, to definitively determine the degree of effect that an economic tactic, such as a change in monetary policy, has on the economy, but for the most part, the Federal Reserve’s immediate response to the attacks seems to have worked in the short-run. The economy did not collapse, consumer confidence slowly increased, and the market rebounded permanently in Q2 – Q4 of 2003. Would the same effects have been achieved without the FOMC's actions? Maybe, maybe not. We'll never know for sure. But I believe the FOMC acted prudently, given the conventional wisdom that inspired the actions. However, we now know that during that period of low federal funds rates, banks made loans to increasingly risky consumers. This, of course, helped create and perpetuate the absurd lending policies which eventually led us into the "Great Recession" we find ourselves in now as a result of the housing bubble collapse. (Crain’s Cleveland Business, 2009)
References

(2009). Think twice. Crain's Cleveland Business, 30(33), 10. Retrieved from Regional Business News database.

Parry, R. (2001). The U.S. Economy after September 11. FRBSF Economic Letter, 2001(35), 1. Retrieved from Business Source Elite database.

Google Image Search. "lighting a fart". Retrieved from images.google.com on January 24, 2010.

Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video

Experiment time! So the video of Shaun White winning the gold medal in the half pipe snow boarding event last night is being searched like a mother fucker holding a questionable bag at the airport. So I'm wondering if I can whore in on the countless Google searches that are happening. Let's see how many people we can get to this blog. So if you are looking for the Shaun White video (which I found here) and were led astray to this blog please take a moment to post the comment "You tricked me you stupid asshole!" on this post, and then bookmark us if you want. We are actually funny sometimes. Thank you. Please note I am not quite sure how the internet works:

Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White
Shaun White
Shaun White
Shaun White
Olympics 2010
Olympics 2010
Olympics 2010
Olympics 2010
Olympics 2010
Funny Hysterectomy

I'm gonna go get a lawyer now for the inevitable lawsuit the Olympic committee will bring down on me... uptight ass hats.

Caption Contest!

Okay, I have nothing to write about today other than possibly depressing stuff that I can just write about next week, so . . . caption contest!

Below is a picture of me, along with my caption. See if you can do better by leaving your caption in the comments section by Monday, February 22nd at noon. I will send the winner a $10 gift card to Subway--that's right, $10! The winner will be announced next Tuesday in a press conference to be held at City Hall, or maybe just on this blog. Bonus points if you can successfully make fun of my almost overexposed crotch.

"Momma always said, 'Life is like a box of choc-o-lates. You never know what you're gonna get.'"

A Douche's Monologue Concerning Valentine's Day

“I don’t get women.

“It’s not like I took her to the White Castle for the romantic candlelit tableside slider dinner. Which, I’m pretty sure, would have tasted better and taken less time than whatever the hell we gnawed on at that fancy French-Asian fusion restaurant she wanted. I hate fusion restaurants. She knows this. I told her many times, ‘I don’t get why they don’t just pick a side and deal with it.’ She never listens to me. Fuckers wanted me to wear a jacket, too, which pissed me off. And I had to make reservations too which, one, I hate pretentious places that make you call in and commit to eating at their place and, two, I hate talking to people on the phone.

“Snooty pricks.

“I mean Christ, what is her deal? I got her flowers. I got her chocolates. That crap is expensive. She knows this, too: I told her, I said “Look at all this crap. Do you know how much that crap costs? That’s how much I love you.’

“If I had my way, I would’a just gone to Walgreens, picked up one of them roses they have at the front there and a box of Swedish Fish and called it a day, but no. I went the extra mile because goddamned if she’d be happy with one of them roses and a box of Swedish Fish, even though I’m pretty sure that’s her favorite candy – and even if they’re not her favorite they’re still pretty good, I mean I’ll eat them if she’s not.

“But no, I went the extra mile and look what that got me.

“I told her, ‘Flowers and candy was fifty bucks. I could’a spent ten at Walgreens. That’s forty bucks I’d have right now. Do you know how many DVDs that is?’

“I buy her all this crap, I take her to a restaurant I know I hate before I even go there, and then I took her to see that movie – the one about Valentine’s Day, what’s it called? I just saw it, what the hell was the name? – anyway, that was okay. That’s two hours where we could both just shut up and eat some popcorn, which by the way is overpriced, and I told her that too.

“What a fucked up, ridiculous corporate-made holiday. It’s all made up horseshit that the greeting card companies somehow got women to go along with so that they can sell more crap, but everyone goes along with it in the name of ‘love,’ which is disgusting, I mean, playing on people’s sympathies like that. To hell with that. And she knows I think this because I told her that last night too, but I said, ‘Despite all that, I’m still buying you this crap, so what does that say about me, right?’

“And then, how do you think she repays my efforts? With some speech about me missing the point and how it’s not about how much crap I bought and how she would have been happy with the White Castle and the Walgreens and sitting at home if the intention was right, at which point I chimed in with a well placed ‘Bullshit,’ because, come on, who does she think she’s kidding? And now she’s pissed off, which means I gotta sit on long awkward phone calls for the next couple of nights saying ‘I’m sorry’ for something I’m not sure I did.

“Whatever.

“All that work and not so much as a quick h.j. for the effort. What the hell’s the point? I don’t get it.”

Our Next Show

Let me be the first to announce that RvD's next show will be at Donny's Skybox Studio on Friday nights at 9 p.m. from June 4th through June 25th. I'll keep the title a secret for now, but if Dolph Lundgren is indeed available, then I hope our show goes a little something like this (stick around for the first 1:20 for a real treat).



Somebody get One Source Talent on the phone!

The Super Bowl Is The One With All The Beer Commercials, Right?

The following is a list, in no particular order, of lessons learned from watching Super Bowl commercials.

• Lesson the first: dogs attacking human beings is the new 'it thing' for commericals. It happened a couple of times throughout the night, most notably when a dog removed his shock collar and put it around his master's neck so that he could eat some Doritos.
• Lesson the second: the Doritos people are kind of twisted. Not only did a dog shock the hell out of a poor defenseless dude, but they also had a commercial where a guy fakes his own death so that he could be buried in a casket filled with Doritos and then just eat and eat and eat until... I don't know what. The logistics made no sense, and the commercial was just kind of creepy.
• Lesson the third: Doritos and Hyundai really want to you buy their product. Like, many many commercials worth of want. They want you to buy so much that they don't even care if the commercials are any good.
• Lesson the fourth: I think the e-trade baby has finally run it's course. It's gone from kinda funny and cute to 'Oh, it's another e-trade baby commercial. Meh.' They had better find something new soon or risk running into Geiko territory, where everything is run into the ground.
• Lesson the fifth: Tim Tebow. Don't like 'em. Even when he's just light heartedly tackling his mom (hey, football fans, quarterbacks don't tackle people, yah?) he still irritates the hell out of me.
• Lesson the sixth: seriously, not a Tebow fan.
• Lesson the seventh: split pea soup is delicious. This has nothing to do with the Super Bowl. I'm just eating some now while I type and it's delicious.
• Lesson the eighth: rodents and small varmint animals = COMEDY! I wish I had known; I might have skipped the writing classes and gone straight to animal training.
• Lesson the ninth: the tire commercial where the guys fling a whale into the ocean out of the back of their car was probably my favorite commercial.
• Lesson the tenth: David Letterman, Jay Leno and Oprah? Whyfor? Anyone?
• Lesson the eleventh: nudity and no pants = COMEDY!
• Lesson the twelfth: Brett Faver's Super Bowl 2020 commercial will seem less funny when it's 2020 and he's still playing

Thanks, advertising! I feel learn'ed now!

Tonight Totally Made Up For...

Chris Othic’s Very Short Interview with Zoe Saldana

(Zoe sits at an undisclosed pizza shop with RvD’s own Chris Othic to talk about acting, being hot and what it’s like to be in two of the biggest movies of 2009. Below is a transcript of the interview.)

Zoe Saldana: Hi, I’m Zoe.

Chris Othic: Well, hello Zoe, what do you know?

ZS: It’s actually pronounced Zo-ee. Like Joey, but with a “z.”

CO: But I wanted it to rhyme with “hello” and “know.”

ZS: Sorry, but it’s Zoe.

CO: It does sound cuter that way. Check it out, after seeing you in person I think the correct pronunciation should be “Zow-ie!”

ZS: That’s cute.

CO: And you say it like if you were Jerry Lewis. “Zooow-iiieeee!” Or maybe that was more like Captain Caveman.

ZS: A Captain Caveman reference! That’s really very funny! You are hilarious!

CO: Thank you! And you are a brilliant woman for recognizing that! So many people think I’m not funny, my writer friends, my writing partner, my wife, my family, my co-workers, homeless people, anybody with an opinion about comedy—

ZS: That’s too bad, but--

CO: Captain Caveman say, “You are Zow-ie! Zow-ie! Ba Ba Boom!”

ZS: (Laughing) Captain Caveman jokes! I love those! Did he say “Va Va Voom?” I don’t remember that?

CO: No, no, that was a “freestyle.” And I didn’t say “Va Va Voom.” That’s how you compliment a Latino woman! I said “Ba Ba Boom!” because that’s how you compliment a black woman, like yourself. It’s all about the “b” sound, that’s what that is.

ZS: Um? Actually, I'm Dominican and Peurto Rican.

CO: Exactly, you know! So, yeah, “b” for black women. Although “v” doesn’t work for Latino’s, it should really be “La La Loom.” I don’t make the rules. Actually, I do.

ZS: Umm, okay?

CO: But enough semantics! Let’s talk about your new movie!

ZS: Yes, let’s!

CO: I have to admit, I saw Avatar and I was like, a little distracted.

ZS: How’s that?

CO: Actually, a lot distracted. I kept looking for the nipples, you know? It was like two and a half hours long and I just kept looking for little blue nipples, maybe big blue nipples even, I don’t know because I never saw any. I didn’t think that was very realistic.

ZS: That’s what seemed unrealistic to you?

CO: Well, yeah. I mean, your character—and great work, by the way—

ZS: Thank you.

CO: You are on screen for a great deal of the movie and how did you keep them from exposing your nipples? I mean, there should be an Oscar for wearing that little tiny costume you had on and acting with your hair and feathers and stuff so we never see your nipples.

ZS: Well, it wasn’t really me who did that, it was—

CO: Oh, the crew! Like, somebody was on the crew to make sure there were no nipples? They had a glue gun or something? Not a glue gun, that would hurt, but like some spirit gum or maybe—do they make a gun with spirit gum? There were a lot of actresses and so to cover all those nipples—

ZS: They didn’t use—

CO: . . . that would be a Herculean task. You would definitely need a spirit gum gun or something. I mean, I looked and there were no nipples in this movie, at all. Not even in the crowd scenes. That James Cameron is pretty good, you know? He directed Titanic and there were some nipples in that, I think Kate Winslet’s and maybe Leo’s, possibly. I’d have to rewatch it know for sure.

ZS: You realize that Avatar was all CGI, right?

CO: Oh yeah! I mean, Cameron’s good but he didn’t build all those spaceships!

ZS: No, the Na’vi were all CGI. It was special effects.

CO: No kidding? Wow, I thought they just used like body paint, like in Sports Illustrated. That does explain a lot though. I mean, you are a lot shorter in real life.

ZS: I’m still pretty tall.

CO: Oh yes! You are! We have a saying back home about girls your size, they say “She’s so tall, you don’t have to bend down to milk her.”

ZS: Wait, what?

CO: No, oh, no, that’s cows! That’s what we say about cows! I can’t remember what we say about tall women. Now, we have a lot of saying about fat women. There’s this one—

ZS: Who are you with again?

CO: The Robot vs. Dinosaur blog. I’m their head interviewer. I interviewed Megan Fox and Amy Adams.

ZS: Really?

CO: No, they were fake, but I did a lot of research on them and they seemed real to me.

(There is an awkward pause.)

CO: Sooooooo, Star Trek!

ZS: Oh, yes, I was in that one, too.

CO: Big year for you. Huge year. Really a giant year.

ZS: I guess so.

CO: All the nerds are in an uproar, they are saying you are a geek dream girl.

ZS: That’s so nice of them to say.

CO: You think? Actually, it was me that said it, then. So I want the credit.

ZS: Okay, that was very sweet of you.

CO: I also would say you are HIAC.

ZS: What’s that?

CO: It’s an acronym I made up. It means “Hot In Any Color.” And I also pronounce it like you pronounce Selma Hayek’s last name, because she is a HIAC, also.

ZS: You made that up?

CO: Oh yes, I’m very creative.

ZS: It would seem so . . .

CO: I won an award in third grade. It was just a certificate, but . . . I had it framed. Want to see it?

ZS: Um, no thank you.

(Awkward pause.)

CO: You know, you are possibly HIACer than even Selma Hayek.

ZS: What does that mean?

CO: Well, you are hot in black, your original color.

ZS: I'm Dominica—

CO: And you were hot as the blue chic in Avatar and you were really super smoking hot as the green chic in Star Trek!

ZS: Hold on. I didn’t play the—

CO: That was body paint, right? The green one? How do you get that job, putting on the body paint? Because I’m a legal secretary, but really I’d like to—

ZS: That wasn’t—

CO: I mean, do you apply for that job? Like, do you just give them some finger paints you did in third grade as a resume? You know, “Look, I can do red, or green, or blue or whatever color the aliens are in this freaking movie!”

(CO laughs heartily.)

CO: (To himself) Man, that was funny. (To Zoe) I’m really just kidding. About the resume—not about the fact that I want that job.

ZS: Look, I actually played Uhura in Star Trek.

(A bit of a pause)

CO: No shiz, really?! I thought you were the green chic! Wow, you just blew my mind! Totally blew my mind.

ZS: Well, it’s true.

CO: This whole time, wow, I am, those body paints can really mess with you, you know! Who was that green chic! Was that Kate Winslet? I know James Cameron likes to use her in his movies.

ZS: It wasn’t, James Cameron didn’t even direct Star Trek—

CO: And it was probably her because she was pretty curvy. I mean, I would recognize those curves, I’ve looked at a lot of Kate Winslet pictures on the internet. Maybe it was one of those plump girls from the Dove ads.

ZS: You’re kind of freaking me out here.

CO: It might have also been Alyssa Milano. Either way, that green chic was really hot, don’t you think?

ZS: She was okay. Umm . . .

CO: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like black girls and white girls too, but that green chic—Ga Ga Goom!

ZS: You’re really starting to piss me—

CO: Did you get that! Did you? I said, “Ga Ga Goom!” because she was green! You know, the “g” sound for “green!”

ZS: I didn’t really get that one, no.

(She starts to look for an exit.)

CO: That was a pretty funny callback! I could have said “Zow-ie!” and it would have been a call back, too, but not as good of one. Maybe “Gow-ie!”

ZS: Sure, sure, whatever. Look, I think I better get going . . .

CO: What were we even talking about? Oh, yeah! Star Wars! So you played Uhura? Which one was she?

ZS: The communications officer.

CO: Umm, no, not remembering that one.

ZS: You know, Uhura? The lead female role.

CO: No, that was Winona Ryder, I think.

ZS: No, she was in it but she wasn’t the lead.

CO: She’s cute, though. She’s no HAIC, but still. And you were which one again?

ZS: I was on the bridge, in the red uniform. The lead.

CO: You were cute, right?

ZS: I hope so.

CO: Did you make out with Spock and have a touching scene in the elevator?

ZS: Sure, I guess.

CO: Whoa! You just blew my mind again! I thought that was Thandie Newton!

ZS: I get that a lot. We look a lot alike.

CO: So let me ask, was that you in Mission Impossible 3 or Thandie Newton?

ZS: Thandie.

CO: Oh, that’s good, that movie sucked. How about, Beloved? Was that you or Thandie?

ZS: Thandie.

CO: Because if it was you, you looked great in that one. Even in the pregnant parts, which is usually not the case, but because you were also crazy, I think that was kind of hot. You were a really hot, crazy pregnant girl in that.

ZS: That wasn’t me. That was Thandie.

CO: You sure? Because, I know that movie was awful and everything, and I’m thinking maybe you just don’t want people to know it was you. Plus Thandie Newton is telling everyone she played Neyteri in Avatar.

ZS: She is not!

CO: She is! She totally is!

ZS: Where did she say that?

CO: Well, if I do a fake interview with Thandie Newton she will totally say that! Here, I want you to put this on.

(Chris produces a can.)

ZS: What is that?

CO: It’s blue body paint. It should be non-toxic, although I got it cheap so it could have lead in it. (Taking off his shirt.) Can you just put some on my back and I’ll do yours.

ZS: I don’t—I don’t think—What’s going on here?

CO: I thought we could paint ourselves blue for the blog, you know, for art and stuff. A picture of you and me all painted blue like the girl in Star Trek.

ZS: That’s not going to happen.

CO: Okay then, how about green? (He pulls out another can.) Maybe green is the way to go. I probably look better in green anyway.

(CO starts to apply green paint to his back.)

CO: A little help?

ZS: Okay, this interview is over.

(Zoe stands up and starts to leave.)

CO: Please! Don't leave. The green paint is definitely non-toxic. I promise!

(She is gone.)

CO: Bummer. I should have interviewed Thandie Newton. She was great in Pirates of the Caribbean.

February: Worst Month Ever

This is not just my uninformed rambling hatred of the month speaking here. It’s a universally accepted truth that February is the least enjoyable month out of the twelve.

February is named after the Latin word ‘februum,’ which means purification. Doesn’t that sound like a blast? Alternative names from throughout history include the Anglo-Saxon Solmanath, which means mud month, or Kalemonath, which means cabbage month. In Ukrainian, apparently the month is names after ice or hard frost.

Happy icy mud month of cabbage, everyone!

1. Here’s how much I dislike February: I’m going to make a numbered list of why it’s the worst month.
   
2. Of the three traditional winter months, February offers the fewest redeeming qualities. December: holidays. January: post New Year’s hang over and the promise of the fresh slate of the new year. February: COLD.
   
3. It is the shortest month of the year, which at first would seem to be a merciful blessing. In fact, the weird number of days (sometimes it’s 28, sometimes it’s 29) adds to the anxiety of dealing with the month.
   
4. It’s the last month of winter, which means our patience for winter has grown thin.
   
5. Most suicides out of any month. I heard that somewhere; can’t verify if it’s true but I’m going to assume that it is since February sucks.
   

Here another list of February holidays in order of least to most awful:

• Mardis Gras: You get to drink a lot, eat bad foods and flash breasts at people, but it’s immediately followed by Lent.
  
• Presidents Day: Only up this high because sometimes you might get the day off depending on who you work for. As far as what the holiday is actually about, I haven’t a clue.
  
• Valentines Day: depending on your life, this could be anywhere from a decent day to an unnecessarily stressful day to a horrific reminder of your continued loneliness.
  
• Groundhog Day: How much more shitty weather are we going to have left? A lot or a whole lot? Thank you, rodent.
  
• Flag Day of Canada: self explanatory.
  

That’s it. That’s all you have to look forward to this month. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But look on the bright side. Once February is over, you’ll have eleven more glorious months until another February rolls around.

So we have that going for us.