The Last Words of Oscar Wilde

It is widely believed that the final utterance of the famous playwright Oscar Wilde was "Either the wallpaper goes or I do." Witty but incomplete. Through exhaustive research, I have established the Aesthete's true last words:

"Either the wallpaper goes, or I do.

"Why is no one taking down the wallpaper? Do none of you care about me? Jesus Christ, people. I'm not asking for divine intercession, here. Just get a a putty knife and a mixture of vinegar and water. Great, I'm dead now. Fuck all of y'all."

I humbly submit this as my doctoral thesis,
Mike Bauman.

How to not die falling out of a high-rise

Cats. They are soft, cuddly, and make a great accent in any living room. And now they're teaching us how to land safely if we fall out of a high-rise.

Click here for the video "Why cats land on their feet".

If you don't have time to watch the video but still want to survive a 15-story fall, here are the highlights:

1. Rotate head and spot your landing. 

2. Twist your spine and align your hips. 

3. Arch spine to reduce force of impact.

4. Land on all four legs.

365 & RvD & TimeOut - Chicago

RvD gets a plug in an article about "365 Sketches." Chris Othic even has a lovely quote.

click HERE

12 Angry Sketches - THE POSTCARD!!

BEHOLD!

The time for incessant pluggery is nearly at hand!  Here is the postcard:

Layout and final product courtesy of Susie Gutowski, original concept and artwork by Nat Topping.

Rejoice!  The show is coming together!

The (Almost) Complete Guide to 365 Sketches

(I say almost, because I heard from a director or two earlier this week that they may have a cast change, but haven't heard back. the RvD 365 show is Wednesday, June 9th.)

On January 19, 2009, Joe Janes decided to write a comedy sketch a day for a year. He did that. On June 3, 2010, Don Hall of the WNEP Theater Foundation will produce them. All of them. Don and Joe have gathered together over 200 Chicago actors and directors and over ten days presented 26 shows each featuring two weeks worth of sketches. Yep. Crazy.

“365 Sketches” – Strawdog Theater – June 3 – June 13, 2010

scenes listed by cast size – title – date written

THU 6/3
8PM – Weeks 1 & 2 “Dancing with the Devil” (director – Mary Jo Bolduc, cast: Dennis Frymire, Fuzzy Gerdes, Andrew Jordan, Gabe Garza, Marsha Harman, Jill Fenstermaker, Sara Gorsky, original music by Edesio Sanchez-Gomez, transition music by Jen Taylor)

(2) laid on.1.19.09
(2) Made in China.1.20.09
(4) LOTTERYWINNER.1.21.09
(7) Czernik on the bus.1.22.09
(6) single slices.1.23.09
(7) SPINCYCLE.1.24.09
(4) Babies Are Assholes.1.25.09”
(1) Pushing The Envelope.1.26.09
(3) Better Than Money.1.27.09
(3) Neighbors.1.28.09
(5) Dancing with the Devil.1.29.09
(5) Chet Later.1.30.09
(6) Chet At Lunch.1.31.09
(6) BROWN BAGGING IT.2.1.09

10PM – Weeks 3 & 4 “Diversity Chicken” (director – Jason Fleece, cast: Jeremiah Howe, Jessica Bennett, Jill Olson, Chris Brown, Andy Cameron, Kristen Secrist)

(3) KATJITSU.2.2.09
(4) Tit for Tat.2.3.09
(3) Diversity Chicken.2.4.09
(2) Single White Friendster.2.5.09
(2) Hemlock.2.6.09
(7) Another One of Those Blackouts.2.7.09
(3) Medusa.2.8.09
(3) Macbeth.2.9.09
(2) Looking Great.2.10.09
(4) Gravy Boat.2.11.09
(3) NPRpart1.2.12.09
(2) NPRpart2.2.13.09
(3) NPRpart3.2.14.09
(3) Spy Who Dated Me.2.15.09

FRI 6/4
8PM – Weeks 5 & 6 “Zombie Space Aliens” (director – Regan Davis, cast: Jon Sales, Ed Sanchez-Gomez, Brenda E. Kelly, Patrick Michael Kelly, Erin Johnson, Mikayla Brown)
(3) Public Hair.2.16.09
(2) Termination.2.17.09
(4) Bad News.2.18.09
(3) Mercury Poisoning.2.19.09
(3) Suess Club.2.20.09
(3) Once Upon A Time in the Church Basement.2.21.09
(4) LOUD SUNSHINE.2.22.09
(4) Zombie Space Aliens.2.23.09
(3) TheC-E-Yos(a rap song).2.24.09
(5) That’s Just Jay.2.25.09
(2) The Third One.2.26.09
(7) The Wretched Refuse2.27.09
(1) This Is My Art.2.28.09
(7) Mr. Mysterium.3.1.09


10PM – Weeks 7 & 8 “Dried and Cured Meats” (director - Rebekah Walendzak, cast: Heather Adams, Ryan Ben, Jeffrey Bouthiette, Earliana McLaurin)

(3) PuzzleNight,Part1.3.2.09
(3) PuzzleNight,Part2.3.3.09
(3) PuzzleNight,Part3.3.4.09
(1) TheTwittysburgAddress.3.5.09
(3) Exit, Pursued By A Bear.3.6.09
(3) HealthNut.3.7.09
(2) Belmont.3.8.09
(5) SomethingRotten.3.9.09
(2) TheDayTheEarthStoodByWaiting.3.10.09
(6) IciclesofEvil.3.11.09
(4) DriedAndCuredMeats.3.12.09
(2) SelfStorage.3.13.09
(1) HappyEnding.3.14.09
(2) WeReachWithRadio.3.15.09

Midnight – Weeks 9 & 10 “The End of the World” (director - Rinska Prestinary, ass’t directors - Emily Cooke and Hannah Herbert, cast: Steve Casillas , Alex Farrington, Pat Whalen, Chris Petlak, Jack Gallagher, Edgar Sanchez, Matt Steffen, Torian Miller, Dana Young, Meredith Daufenbach, deejay-Zan Rosenthal)

(3) Bully.3.16.09
(2) BigFatLies.3.17.09
(3) RecollectionsOfACountryLife.3.18.09
(6) OpenCasket.3.19.09
(3) CoffinMax.3.20.09
(4) Blogger.3.21.09
(2) WE REACH WITH RADIO II.3.22.09
(7) AGoodMan.3.23.09
(2) MattNeedsYourHelp.3.24.09
(2) WorksBetterOnChildren.3.25.09
(2) TheEndOfTheWorld.3.26.09
(4) TheMachineAlsoRises.3.27.09
(4) 77.3.28.09
(3) WEREACHWITHRADIOIII.3.29.09

SAT 6/5
8PM – Weeks 11 & 12 “An Affair to Whatever” (director – Dunbar Dicks, cast: Bryce Fishman, James Sienko II, Chris Savell, Mike Dobbyn, Kate Compton, Katherine Li, Hassan S. Ali, Tessa O’Connor)

(3) CauldronFresh.3.30.09
(3) Cannibal78.3.31.09
(4) AGhostsStory.4.1.09
(8) WhatAmericaRunsOn.4.2.09
(2) AnAmericanMugging.4.3.09
(5) HowSweet.4.4.09
(2) TheCustomerIsAlwaysRight.4.5.09
(7) ChickenMagnet.4.6.09
(3) AprilShowers.4.7.09
(2) ILikeYouBetterWhenYou’reNude.4.8.09
(3) EasterEggHuntingwithBubWinkerman.4.9.09
(4) PitchBleak.4.10.09
(2) AnAffairtoWhatever.4.11.09
(2) TheTip.4.12.09

10PM – Weeks 13 & 14 “While On My Way To Hell” (director – Rebecca Langguth, cast: Kim Boler, John Brewster, Ben Harpe, Trey Hanks, Briana Hansen, Brett McGovern)

(3) WarIsHardWork.4.13.09
(2) DuallyNoted.4.14.09
(3) OfficerArsenty.4.15.09
(5) Stripperer.4.16.09
(3) StellaonTuesdays.4.17.09
(6) WhileOnMyWayToHell.4.18.09
(6) AFriendintheEnd.4.19.09
(6) SearchingforJossWhedon.4.20.09
(2) OffTheGrid.4.21.09
(2) QueenofBees.4.22.09
(3) CreptOut.4.23.09
(2) UPSSucks.4.24.09
(2) WalterGoldstein.4.25.09
(3) Bonus.4.26.09

Midnight – Weeks 15 & 16 “Weenus” (director- Derek Van Tassel, cast: Jacob Clausen, Harter Clingman, Lori Lewis, Molly McCormick, Mal Merpi, Mike Newquist, Eric Prather, Jess Elfring Roberts)

(5) JohnIrvingness.4.27.09
(8) DeathToTyrants.4.28.09
(2) DumDums.4.29.09
(2) Truckin.4.30.09
(3) BackgroundCheck.5.1.09
(3) Weenus.5.2.09
(4) TwoOnTheAisle.5.3.09
(3) Wishes.5.4.09
(8) HippyBathday.5.5.09
(4) BraceBeer.5.6.09
(3) BulletFlu.5.7.09
(3) ThrowingChonos.5.8.09
(4) WhyIHateFrenchCinema.5.9.09 – English version, for reference
(4) WhyIHateFrenchCinema.5.9.09A – French-ish version, for performance
(2) SeaWatchers.5.10.09

SUN 6/6
7PM – Weeks 17 & 18 “Shows You Would Never See If You Didn’t Know Someone In The Cast” (director - Scott Olson, ass’t director - Jackson Haywood, cast: Dylan James Hackworth, Sam Hubbard, Jessica Cook, Jack Bourgeois, Meg Harkins, Cassie Ahiers, Liz Siedt, Dan Planz, Kevin Branick)

(4) PromNight.5.11.09
(6) Smile.5.12.09
(4) Nighthawks.5.13.09
(6) Untucked.5.14.09
(4) ProblemSolved.5.15.09
(2) AKissAnyway.5.16.09
(6) SummerEvening.5.17.09
(2) PawnBroken.5.18.09
(1) TheDeafofTheater.5.19.09
(3) ShowsYouWouldNeverSee.5.20.09
(2) CasadeNed.5.21.09
(2) RomeoPizza.5.22.09
(7) TimeBeavers.5.23.09
(3) The Hitchhiker.5.24.09

9PM – Weeks 19 & 20 “Chekhov in the Trailer Park”- (director – Rich Baker, cast: cast: Tom Burns, Nicole Devin, James Honey, Kerri Morrison, Jacob Schneider, Lauran September, Clay Stevens )

(5) WideWithPride.5.25.09
(6) BookClub.5.26.09
(2) LangleyandPratt5.27.09
(2) CarryingAPorch.5.28.09
(7) StretchLimousine.5.29.09
(2) Listening.5.30.09
(4) ChekhovInTheTrailerPark.5.31.09
(5) IDoHoldOn.6.1.09
(3) WhereTheresSmokeTheresSmoke.6.2.09
(4) TheLifeandstrangeSurprizingAdventuresofRobinsonCrusoe.6.3.09
(1) HowToWriteAComedySketch.6.4.09
(4) FascinationStreetBakery.6.5.09
(3) AnOnLineEducation.6.6.09
(2) SwimmingforNonSwimmers.6.7.09

MON 6/7
8PM –Weeks 21 & 22 “Jerk Sandwich”- (director – Lillie Frances, cast: Alaina Hoffman, Gillian Bellinger, Robert Reid, Jeremy Schaefer, Sayjal Joshi, Patrick Kent)

(7) TheInternationalComedyWritingInstituteofAmerica.6.8.09
(2) IfIWereYou.6.9.09
(2) ExtractionNumber2.6.10.09
(4) KennySpicerman.6.11.09
(2) TheConstantPresent.6.12.09
(3) FunkandWagnall.6.13.09
(8) RocknRollTrouble!.6.14.09
(2) Tracer.6.15.09
(2) ChryslerOnAStick.6.16.09
(7) MyFathersBeret.6.17.09
(6) ZombiePizzaParty.6.18.09
(4) Don’t Ask, Don’tShout.6.19.09
(2) JerkSandwich.6.20.09
(2) FarmersfromHell.6.21.09

Weeks 23 & 24 “Red, White and Beer”- (director- Wendi Weber, cast: Bernie Balbot, Will Casey, Rammel Chan, Jackie Durruthy, Justin Fletcher, Govind Kumar, Lara Jo Hightower, KT Mack)

(4) PeopleWhoLiveInCandyHousesShouldn’tThrowVegetables.6.22.09
(3) EverybodyPoops,EvenNeil.6.23.09
(7) PhilliptheFriendlyDinosaur.6.24.09
(3) TheAmazingMaxwells.6.25.09
(3) JensMomNancy.6.26.09
(1) ThingsIPutInMyMouth.6.27.09
(9) TheSemiHardTruthAboutViagra.6.28.09
(3) TheCarpetCave.6.29.09
(6) GronkGoesBonk.6.30.09
(4) KidzNewz.7.1.09
(3) TheDeathofMe.7.2.09
(3) Red, White and Beer.7.3.09
(3) HowBad’sTheCoffee.7.4.09
(2) NewBlood.7.5.09

TUE 6/8
8PM – Weeks 25 & 26 “Twi-Lite” (director – Janna Sobel, cast: Andy Tommello, Brett McGovern, Jen Spyra, Lauren Robertson, Wolfgang Stein, Michael Rychlewski, Erin Morrill, Jeff Rukes)

(4) Twi-Lite.7.6.09
(3) BedtimeStories.7.7.09
(7) DownontheFarm.7.8.09
(5) TheHIPPENING.7.9.09
(7) YouHavePlacedAChillInMyHeart.7.10.09
(4) WildIsTheWind.7.11.09
(2) ThoseWhoCan't.7.12.09
(5) Sunburn.7.13.09
(3) AlienationofAffection.7.14.09
(5) BigBother.7.15.09
(3) NeverBeenRuffied.7.16.09
(2) AngryCow.7.17.09
(4) GiantLeap.7.18.09
(2) TheLastWord.7.19.09

Weeks 27 & 28 “Disco Heaven” (director – David Rocco Facchini, cast: Lisa Burton, Lindsey Ganote, Ryan McDermott, Heather Lynn Muth, Matt Noonan, Michael Tatar and Greg Wendling)

(4) DryDock.7.20.09
(2) DiscoHeaven.7.21.09
(5) TurkeyFingers.7.22.09
(5) BuenosAires.7.23.09
(2) ALittlePsycho.7.24.09
(2) WTF.7.25.09
(5) VioletsinGarlicSauce.7.26.09
(6) DearPenthouse.7.27.09
(2) WithorWithout.7.28.09
(6) DingDongSchool – HeWhoSitsInTheShadowOfHisTail.7.29.09
(5) MercenaryAir.7.30.09
(2) Weepy.7.31.09
(2) NewYorkNewYork.8.1.09
(4) FrenchIsEasy.8.2.09

WED 6/9
8PM – Weeks 29 & 30 “Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Treadmill” (director – John Hildreth cast - Gillian Bellinger, Mary Jo Bolduc, Janna Sobel, John Brewster, John Mobley, Rudy Voit)

(2) AfterWorkBeforeBed.8.3.09
(1) TheDingDongSong.8.4.09
(2) PeopleLetMeTellYa.8.5.09
(3) ThoughtsOfADyingAtheist.8.6.09
(2) BlackCoffee.8.7.09
(6) FoolsRushInWhereAngelsFearToTreadmill.8.8.09
(3) MandingoRex.8.9.09
(5) OnAStick.8.10.09
(6) FreeSoda.8.11.09
(1) AnOperatorTriesToHelpJimCroce.8.12.09
(2) Simplifying.8.13.09
(4) Pepper.8.14.09
(6) GrekkortheAlien.8.15.09
(3) ACupO’Joe.8.16.09

Weeks 31 & 32 “A Thing I Wrote” (director - Chris Othic, cast: Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Becca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping, Mackenzie Yeager)

(4) TheCaseoftheSpeckledBullet.8.17.09
(4) WhatPriceGory.8.18.09
(6) HadThisBeenAnActualEmergency.8.19.09
(6) StopSHOUTING.8.20.09
(4) TheUnicornAndTheVengeance.8.21.09
(3) AMemberoftheChurchofGod.8.22.09
(4) ArtAndAboutWithRandyCarson.8.23.09
(6) AGospelSongforAtheists.8.24.09
(3) StillLife.8.25.09
(2) InterestDue.8.26.09
(2) Wasp-18.8.27.09
(4) BodyFallingDownstairsSlowly.8.28.09
(6) TheEighthWonderoftheWorld.8.29.09
(6) AThingIWROTE.8.30.09

THU 6/10
8PM – Weeks 33 & 34 “Boris vs. Nature” (director – Becky Eldridge, cast: Alaina Hoffman, Shelby Burton, Ross Foti, Jarrad Apperson, Scott Olson, Robert Reid)

(3) EnoughRope.8.31.09
(6) BorisvsNature.9.1.09
(5) ILove2Boogie.9.2.09
(3) Bouncer.9.3.09
(3) AFlyOnTheWall.9.4.09
(2) ByAnyOtherName.9.5.09
(3) ACivilWar.9.6.09
(2) IHateCleaning.9.7.09
(2) AHitForWeddingsorFunerals.9.8.09
(2) WartsandAll.9.9.09
(4) INeedLunch.9.10.09
(5) APennySaved.9.11.09
(2) Gary’sGotAProblem.9.12.09
(2) GuntherLandorsHouseoHealing.9.13.09

10PM – Weeks 35 & 36 “Oblique Oblige” (director – Rose Kruger, cast: Donna Ray, Dave Fink, Joel Reitsma, Lila Collins, Emily Claiborne, Jon Cohen, Ian Knox, Anya Clingman, David Schaplowsky, Nate Stoner, Charlie Cascino - fight choreography)

(2) LikeABaby.9.14.09
(5) TheFilmofMyLove.9.15.09
(1) Ain’tThatLove.9.16.09
(2) Pullover.9.17.09
(3) EtTude.9.18.09
(6) Late.9.19.09
(5) Pinocchio.9.20.09
(2) Runaway.9.21.09
(4) ClimateChange.9.22.09
(4) ObliqueOblige.9.23.09
(3) TypewriterRepair.9.24.09
(4) Detained.9.25.09
(2) TheAwakening.9.26.09
(6) ThreeBagsFull.9.27.09

FRI 6/11
8PM – Weeks 37 & 38 “What If They Held A Peace Rally And Nobody Came?” (director – Amanda Rountree, tech director – Jessica Landis, cast: Dominique Lewis, Ed Smaron, Erin Orr, Kelsie Huff, Kevin Gladish, Lori Goss, Michael Carothers, Scott Whitehair)

(6) Elaborate.9.28.09
(4) TheLastUnicorn.9.29.09
(2) LighthouseHill.9.30.09
(1) DesMoines.10.1.09
(3) ComeAgain.10.2.09
(6) ComeAgainAgain.10.3.09
(5) GiveALittle.10.4.09
(2) JustInCase.10.5.09
(2) BabyMilosh.10.06.09
(4) Spuhllujah.10.7.09
(3) MeatSubstitute.10.8.09
(4) PopsicleStick.10.9.09
(4) HappyAlzheimer’s.10.10.09
(6) WhatIfTheyHeldAPeaceRallyAndNobodyCame.10.11.09

10PM – Weeks 39 & 40 “St. Drunken’s Day” (director – Mary Williamson, cast: Mackenzie Yeager, Zoe Shwartz, Heath Cordts, Isaac Holter, Josef Bette, Chris Chmelik, The Band - Amanda Batterson, and Chance Bone)

(1) ToWake.10.12.09
(6) TheWeepingLlama.10.13.09
(6) SomethingsDifferent.10.14.09
(2) Chicago.10.15.09
(4) SlowDownLifesTooShort.10.16.09
(3) HowToHaveSexWithWomen.10.17.09
(5) BoxingDay.10.18.09
(2) Clump.10.19.09
(8) PositiveLoitering.10.20.09
(2) RoominNewYork.10.21.09
(2) Dayhawks.10.22.09
(5) GoodSeats.10.23.09
(3) St.DrunkensDay.10.24.09
(2) MrJones.10.25.09

Midnight – Weeks 41 & 42 “Dear Cancer” (Director – Tony Soto, cast: Dree Elfring, Megan Householter, Sarah Beckett, Mike Newquist, Wayne Brumgard, David Stookey, Gavin Robinson)

(7) TheGoInTheGo.10.26.09
(3) Christopher.10.27.09
(7) LittleDrummerBoy.10.28.09
(2) AMothToAFlame.10.29.09
(1) LifesTooShortTo.10.30.09
(2) HotelRoom.10.31.09
(2) Procrastination.11.1.09
(2) 911.11.2.09
(6) ThisWillBeOurYear.11.3.09
(2) SocialIssues.11.4.09
(2) ExcursionIntoPhilosophy.11.5.09
(5) DearCancer.11.6.09
(3) LakeRood.11.7.09
(2) ThreeWishes.11.08.09

SAT 6/12
8PM – Weeks 43 & 44 “You Know – Like The End of the World” (director – Bina Martin, ass’t director – Johanna Meyers, cast: Dan Carr, Jo Feldman, Jeff Hedges, Jen Malinsky, Matt Malinsky, Vanessa Menton)

(3) TeachAManToFish.11.9.09
(2) Retard.11.10.09.
(6) Séance.11.11.09
(2) StayingUpLate.11.12.09
(5) Thief.11.13.09
(2) WinningTheLottery.11.14.09
(5) AFistfulofYarn.11.15.09
(2) ToTheImpossible.11.16.09
(2) PlanB.11.17.09
(3) NotAllDogsGoToHeaven.11.18.09
(2) FutureElectric.11.19.09
(3) GrandOpening.11.20.09
(3) YouKnowLikeTheEndoftheWorld.11.21.09
(2) KickTheCan.11.22.09

10PM - Weeks 45 & 46 “Who’s Afraid of Virginia, Wolf?” (director – Rachel Staelens, cast: Matthew Scott, Sarah Mikayla Brown, Andrew Kraft, KTMack, Sam Bailey, Steve Hund, Toni Machi, Vinnie Lacey)

(6) TheFirstTeaPartiers.11.23.09
(5) SomethingToBelieveIn.11.24.09
(3) TheLibrary.11.25.09
(4) NoThanks.11.26.09
(4) Digger.11.27.09
(3) HeldUp.11.28.09
(6) CatMenOnTheMoon.11.29.09
(4) ForcedSmile.11.30.09
(2) RacistInABox.12.1.09
(2) TheFoodChain.12.2.09
(6) FirstFlight.12.3.09
(4) OnFire.12.4.09
(3) ChristmasComesEarlyMaybeLate.12.5.09
(5) WhosAfraidofVirginiaWolf.12.6.09

Midnight – Weeks 47 & 48 “Barflies At The Beach” (director – Danni Parpan, cast: Pat Whalen, Reeny Hofrichter, Grace Wagner, Sasha Smith, Chelsea Brand, Eric Prather, Michael Bartz)

(1) SlowWalkWithLimpInEcho.12.7.09
(2) OBGYN-Detroit.12.8.09.doc
(3) BarfliesAtTheBeach.12.9.09
(4) WindowShopper.12.10.09
(3) Bunny.12.11.09
(2) Settling…Up.12.12.09
(2) Grosseries.12.13.09
(3) SoHelpMeGod.12.14.09
(4) Free Hugs.12.15.09
(5) AChristmasStory.12.16.09
(6) AtTheStarbucks.12.17.09
(5) AnyoneforTennis.12.18.09
(3) ASigningFromGod.12.19.09
(2) J ockItch.12.20.09

SUN 6/13
7PM – Weeks 49 & 50 “Farewell To Monster Island” (director – Trish Vignola cast - Andrew Kraft, Mal Merpi, Steve Konet, Emily Walker, Greg Callozzo, Jessica Bettini, Jack Farrell)

(2) TheFiveDollarMystery.12.21.09
(3) AmericanGuitarHero.12.22.09
(3) LoveBirdsAndCatThieves.12.23.09
(3) ItsForTheBest.12.24.09
(4) TheThoughtsThatCount.12.25.09
(3) GodHatesFags.12.26.09
(2) PhantomBooger.12.27.09
(1) Listless.12.28.09
(3) iMiranda.12.29.09
(5) FuckYou, Harry Chapin.12.30.09
(3) DiningInHell.12.31.09
(4) FarewellToMonsterIsland.1.1.10
(2) MuchToDo.1.2.10
(2) Blockbusted.1.3.10

9PM – Weeks 51 & 52 “Polka Dots and Moonbeams” (director – Jen Ellison, cast: Patrick Brennan, Kevin Gladish, Merrie Greenfield, Mary Jo Bolduc, Rebecca Langguth, Dave Stinton, Amanda Rountree)

(5) PolkaDotsandMoonbeams.1.4.10
(2) Hi.1.5.10
(3) Anna.2.1.6.10
(6) OurManInAccounting.1.7.10
(2) Footprints.1.8.10
(2) RateofDecay.1.9.10
(4) SmoothSailing.1.10.10
(4) TurkeyInTheStraw.1.11.10
(7) Pigeon.1.12.10
(3) One Night.1.13.10
(1) YourNewImprovCoach.1.14.10
(3) BornAgain.1.15.10
(3) PayItSideways.1.16.10
(6) CurtainCall.1.17.10
(5) WhiteChocolate.1.18.10

Videos For My Mom

These are for my mom, but every one else is allowed to watch them, too.





I also wanted to post this one, but embedding is disabled, so you'll have to click the link to see it: OK Go - WTF?

Morning News

Here is my overview of the morning news today:

This person is dead.

These people are dead.

This person killed that person after the first person killed someone else.

Body missing.

Person Dead.

Weather.

Person Dead

Internet clips.

Another person dead.

Internet clips.

Sports.

Weather.

More bodies found.

Repeat.

A Thing Joe Wrote

You probably haven’t heard much about RvD’s other project—participating in Joe’s 365 Sketches Festival--so here are some tids and bits about it:

A few months ago, Joe asked me to direct a show for his 365 project. After carefully and deliberately reading all 365 scenes he wrote last year (okay, I had been reading them as I went, and I think I have read all but maybe a handful) I decided on a nice little block called “A Thing I Wrote.” (Get yer tickets! Get yer tickets here!) There were a couple of scenes that jumped out at me, one of which being a Sherlock Holmes murder mystery titled “The Case of the Speckled Bullet.” I was also fond of staging a scene featuring King Kong, and there were a few others I liked as well.

I decided early on that I’d like this to an RvD joint, since we are Joe’s soul mates (cell mates?) and I knew we would have a lot of fun. Once we figured out a night that most of us could meet (Wednesdays) we set the rehearsal schedule and have been rehearsing for the last three weeks.

Now for some reason, and I don’t know what that reason is (okay, vanity, you caught me) I decided I would also like to perform in this little powerhouse of scenes. Truthfully, I really wanted to butcher an English accent in the Sherlock Holmes scene, so sue me. I’ve always enjoyed performing, but I’m a little rusty as it’s been about three years since I’ve done any real acting other than some understudy stuff and a walk on role here and there. Add to that the challenge of directing myself and the rest of the cast and, well, it’s been an interesting mess inside my brain. It hasn’t helped matters that RvD is also prepping our next show, 12 Angry Sketches (see side bar for details), that opens at Donny’s Skybox on June 4 (just 5 days before our 365 show). So I’ve been busy.

Good organized thing I’m.

As far as the acting goes, I think I can pull it off because so far no one has seen through my calm and cool exterior to realize that I am FREAKING OUT ON THE INSIDE!

Rehearsals have helped to calm me down though, because I have a cracker jack cast (I always wanted to use that phrase and it fits so I’m using it). Most of the cast are veteran RvD writers and performers. They are, in order of the size of their genetilia: Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Becca Levine, myself, Nat Topping and Mackenzie Yeager. Mackenzie is the one newbie in the group but she comes with great credentials and has rapidly gotten used to our shorthand way of communicating, mostly through dick jokes and obscene hand gestures. These guys are all good enough that if it comes down to it I can just hide behind them and they can run with the show and only my Mom would miss me.

Thus far we have blocked everything but our special silent scene and will be running and working and working and running scenes going forward. I block fairly quickly and I think that went smoothly, but we had a helluva fight on our hands wrestling the lyrics to “A Gospel Song for Atheists” so they would fit with music. (No fair changing Joe’s words, we somehow made the music fit.) And I would be petty if didn’t thank Joe for rhyming “spaghetti.”

I have also had some fun with the title scene (“A Thing I Wrote” in case your forgot), breaking it up and sprinkling it throughout so that it sort of forms the spine of the show (very much the way RvD likes to do things). It features a glasses wearing, slightly balding, comedy writer character that I can only say is very much like someone you know if you have read this far into this blog entry and I shall do my best to do this character justice.

Ahem. I’ve said too much.

Wednesday, June 9 (paired up with “Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Treadmill” which starts at 8 p.m.) Our show will begin shortly after theirs ends and it’s only $10 for both shows! Get yer tickets here!

“A Thing I Wrote” (Director - Chris Othic. Cast: Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Becca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping, Mackenzie Yeager)

Fellatio for Fruit Bats

Pity poor Dylan Evans.


While the lecturer in ‘behavioural science’ at University College Cork has been cleared of sexual harassment charges, he will still be subjected to a two year probation for offending a female colleague at the college. The man just wanted to share his findings, after all.

Don’t pity him for the probation, though. Pity him because his findings were in a paper entitled “Fellatio by fruit bats prolongs copulation time.” Pity Dylan Evans because he’s the type of guy that studies oral sex in fruit bats.

He’s also the type of guy that posts video of himself droning on and on about something in the way that only a British professor can and, in his spare time, is also a DJ (The cleverly named PhDJ, as a matter of fact). I know what you’re saying: this is one cool cat. A cool cat with a bat fetish.

So apparently Professor Evans just wanted to share his paper. The female colleague thought he was trying to share something else. I can only imagine what that conversation must have been like. In fact, if anyone wants to write that scene I’ll post it next Monday.

I would also love to know what the benefits are to humanity in studying the sucking, licking and biting habits of fruit bats on one another’s genitalia. At least NASA gave us Tang. What the hell kind of good comes from fruit bat carpet munching?

Obamfalo... or is it Bufbama?

So I learned that President Obama is making a stop in my home town area of Buffalo, NY today. Apparently it is partially in response to a billboard that got put up in Buffalo, which I also just learned about today (seriously, my friends and family back home suck at keeping me in the loop).

According to my fellow Buffalo friend and fellow RvD writer, Mike Bauman, Obama has made a stop at Duff's on Dick Rd in Cheektowaga and ordered 5 extra hot wings. The thing about Duff's is their wing sauce is extreme hot. Like, Satan's crotch hot. I am hoping he burns his mouth and it prevents him from talking, not because I don't like Obama, but because I think it would be a fun story for a dying city. The news writers would say something like "The final nail in Buffalo's coffin was an inadvertent mouth-mauling of President Barack Obama after he made a visit to the city and tried some of it's famous chicken wings. Although never confirmed, it was fairly apparent that President Obama made it his side project to strangle what little economy remained in the city as a revenge move for causing a pain the President described as 'like having the sun ejaculate lava into my mouth'."

I either want to see that happen or I want him to simply hand over a government check for one billion dollars to Erie County. Knowing the track record of Buffalo and Erie County though, the burnt mouth scenario is not only much more likely, but its practically a guaranteed thing. Sigh...

David Facchini - Renaissance (Faire) Man

David Facchini is a fascinating guy. I know David as the director of all 9 of Creepy Hug's sketch revues (plus 3 Sketchfests--or maybe just two--I can't remember.) But he's also a home-makeoverer. He's auditioning for a reality show on HGTV. He wants to be to the All-American Handyman Competition what Collier Strong is to the Loreal Paris make-up room on Project Runway. And I for one would let him style up my home any day.

Creepy Hug rehearses regularly in David's condo, the very one featured in this video, and he blends functionality with aesthetics so well that I didn't realize many of these things I've seen for years had function. I just thought they were to make his studio space look even cooler than it is. His whole space is basically one big room that he's sectioned off into about 5 or 6 spaces (plus bathroom and walk-in closet) in innovative ways.

If you aren't funny or cute enough to be invited to David's place, check out what you're missing in his audition video below!

Show Review: Crassus

How do you review a show before it even happens? Well, like this:

The mantastic comedy duo of Crassus (Nat Topping and Geoff Crump) appeared at Fizz Bar tonight (Tuesday, May 11 at 7:30 p.m.) and killed (figuratively if not almost literally when they got in a knife fight on stage during their 12-minute set). These guys are the first spin-off* from local faves Robot vs. Dinosaur, a sketch comedy group that ranks somewhere below Monty Python and far above Think Tank and whom you should definitely be on the lookout for.

But I digress. We’re here to talk about Crassus. I really liked the show, which was a unique blend of dark humor, relationship exploration and dick joke after dick joke after somebody shat in my hand joke.

A brief breakdown of tonight’s scenes (most likely, since the show hasn’t even happened yet):

The show opened with Nat feeding Geoff grapes. The grapes were sour, however, and the end result was not only a unique play on the phrase “sour grapes” but also an exploration of what it means to be in love.

After a quick black out to move a single chair (this bit became a running part of the show and eventually led to the previously mentioned knife fight) the lights came up and the audience was hit in the face with some more comedy. In what can only be described as a “masturbatory fantasy” Nat and Geoff explored the comic possibilities of masturbation as an Olympic Sport. I don’t want to spoil anything, but the end of this one would have made Gallagher proud. Gold medals all around for their object work, too.

The third scene was probably my favorite. These guys really explored character and emotion when they portrayed two gay Siamese twins who decided to adopt a one-armed baby and bring it home for the first time. I know that doesn’t even make sense but it’s one of those “you had to be there” scenes. That the scene was wisely played for drama more than comedy speaks a lot about the talent of Nat and Geoff as they explore what it means to be a parent, and what the meaning of home is for two gay Siamese twins who live in a sausage factory. Great object work in this one, as well.

Another great scene (see picture below) featured old Nat (played by Nat) coming back to tell young Nat (played by Geoff) how to live his life. This one brought tears to my eyes.


Young Nat (Geoff) and Old Nat (Nat) discuss life, love and the best way to pleasure a whale in a scene from Crassus' first show.

The next scene dealt with Nat and Geoff’s decision to be sewn together as a human centipede, and the ensuing problem when they both want to be at the back end of the monstrosity. I loved it when a scene that could easily have turned into an argument takes a strange turn and becomes so much more. And they both sing beautifully (which was impressive because by the end of the scene they had sewn each other’s mouths to the other one’s anus). This was also quite possibly the best use of the James Blunt song, "You're Beautiful" in any show I have ever seen.

The penultimate scene was so simple and touching (beware the double entrendre!) in its premise and execution that I don’t want to give it away. Let’s just say it involved a prop with a hole cut in it and the fate of the entire world is at stake when the dynamic duo have to decide what to put in the hole. This one doesn’t end how you think it will!

The final scene of the night (the show was “cut short” when Geoff literally sliced Nat with a blade) was an office scene where Geoff fires Nat for stealing office supplies. Maybe they were going to do a callback later that involved dick jokes or something, but this one was just a typical scene set in an office with office humor and also at the end you find out that Geoff and Nat are brothers. Meh.

The show ended, appropriately, with a stabbing. This was only right because Crassus had been stabbing the audience in the face with comedy for the previous 12 minutes. These guys know how to be funny and the running themes they explore such as love, status in a relationship and potty humor are right in their wheel house.

Overall, I’m pretty sure it was a great show even though it hasn’t happened yet. I highly recommend it. Check them out tonight (May 11) and next Tuesday (May 18) at Fizz Bar (3220 North Lincoln) at 7:30 p.m.--and it’s FREE!

*Other RvD members Chris Othic and Greg Wendling also have plans to do their own RvD branded one-woman show in the fall.

A Picture of a Monkey

Well, somebody has to post something on here, so today it's gonna be me.

Are you fascinated yet?

Robot vs. Dinosaur Word Cloud

Courtesy of Wordle.net.

The Way to a Putin's Heart is Through a Killer Kitten

For those of you foolish enough to visit my regular blog, Clever Title, you are probably already aware that I have an unhealthy Vladimir Putin fixation.


Why would any red blooded American have such a man-crush on the strong armed Russian puppet master? Two reasons.

Reason Number One: LOOK INTO HIS EYES!!

Can you feel the deep Siberian chill echoing through your soul now? I’ll bet you can.

Reason Number Two: He’s like the Russian Chuck Norris, except (a) Vladimir Putin serves the sexy powers of darkness, and (b) Vladimir Putin’s crazy exploits ARE REAL.

Exhibit A, one article detailing an exchange of gifts between Vladimir Putin and Iran. Most world leaders exchange fruit baskets. Putin exchanges KILLER CATS. In this instance we’re talking Persian Leopards, which Putin hopes to reintroduce to the Caucasus region so that he can finally have a worthy adversary in hand to hand combat.

Contrary to popular belief, that cage is to protect the leopard.

I’ll start taking bets in the comment section – not ‘who would win’ but ‘how many seconds before Putin is wearing that cat like a tuxedo?’