"The Visual Acuity in the Balding Male Homo Sapien" - a scientifc study

To meet the reporting requirements of my sponsors, allow me to get all scientific as I detail the recent progress in my life-long study of life as a balding male.

Excerpt from a paper I am forthwith to publish in the "Balding Alliance of the Leaders Debonaire (BALD) Quarterly Journal and Coupon Book."

Most mammals have dichromatic vision and correspondingly limited colour perception⁽¹⁾. However, the balding male is thought to possess a secondary specialized ocular function⁽²⁾; namely the ability to recognize, while engaged in conversation with another of his species⁽³⁾, the tiniest^(4,5) increment^(2,9,11) of eye movement of his partners from his own eyes to his hairline⁽⁷⁾. To test this hypothesis, we ran tests on three subjects. The results of our studies follow:

Subject A, was our control subject. A 52-year-old male with a full head of non-graying, modestly-coiffed hair, Subject A was observed conversing on a bus with a 27-year-old female rider. The female was given the directive to talk to Subject A at a distance of 5-feet, and to shift her gaze constantly from Subject A's eyes to his healthy, beautiful hairline as often as possible, as many as 60 times per minute. In questioning the male afterwards, he was unaware that she had looked at his hair even once. (Although he confessed to having stared at her chest for the entire conversation.)

Subject B, a balding male of 31 years, was partnered in conversation with a female coworker. Communicating at a distance of 10 feet, the coworker was given the directive to shift her gaze constantly from Subject B's eyes to his hairline, as many as 60 times per minute. 31.2 seconds into the conversation, Subject B's cheeks were noticeably reddened. At 46.7 seconds his legs were noticeably trembling, and at 78.4 seconds the subject punched a wall and resorted to weeping.

Subject C, a balding male of 23 was partnered in conversation with his roommate's girlfriend at a distance of 30 feet. The female was directed to maintain consistent eye-contact and NOT to look at his hairline even once, but to THINK about the fact that Subject C's hairline was receding and would probably leave him bald in another 7 or 8 years. This experiment ended tragically when Subject C threw his test-partner from the 3rd floor deck where they had been talking, displaying strong evidence of extra sensory perception in the balding male to detect when others are even thinking about his hairline, but is another study altogether.

In conclusion, next time we have a conversation and you're distracted by my hairline, try talking to my breasts instead.^(0,0)