Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Cabbage Patch Must Die

Please, oh dear Lord, make the Cabbage Patch go away. If you're not familiar with the cabbage patch, this is it:

Need some instruction:

Just when I think it's gone, I see it pop up in some sitcom or commercial being performed horribly by some whitey in an effort to exemplify both jubilation and lameness. It was barely a good move back in the eighties, and now it is the king jack-ass move. Even if done properly, it's still laden with jack-assery.

And the swim. Luckily, besides the original by Bobbie Freeman (I'll just give the link so this post isn't clogged with videos -, I couldn't even find someone doing this one on YouTube - so that is a good sign. The swim is mostly dead, but every now and again if someone mentions go-go dancing someone else will launch into the swim. If you are over the age of 10 and you are doing the swim anywhere except a sixties throwback party, just stab yourself so the last few bits of this dance can slip into the void forever.

And then there is the Pulp Fiction dance. Not the whole dance mind you, just the part where Vincent Vega slowly drags his hands in front of his face while they are in a sideways peace sign type form, and then Mia Wallace does a pseudo mirror of it. I'll call it the face blazer. It happens about 1:04 into this - *Take note that right before the 1:04 mark they are doing the swim... but it's in a 50s style diner. They should have been disqualified on the spot* This has become the lamest of the lame. If you see someone performing the face blazer it is your sworn duty as a decent human being to walk up to the dancer so your face is about an inch away from theirs and scream "STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE DESTROYING SOCIETY, AND YOU LOOK LIKE A GRADE A DUMB-ASS! I HATE YOU SO MUCH, AND SO DOES YOUR FAMILY!". Then flick them on the nose and run away screaming.


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