Don't Ask, Do Tell

In the spirit of the repeal of the infamous (and stupid) "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, I thought I would share a scene I wrote clear back in 2003 when I was a student in the Second City Conservatory Writing Progam.

I just want to say that Obama has knocked another one out of the park. If only Gomer Pyle were still around to enjoy this. And I can't wait to see what happens to the Beetle Bailey comics now.

Enjoy!

Chris Othic
“GAY FOXHOLE”
February 26, 2003 (Version #2)
CAST
JOE – 30’s
BILLY – 30’s
SARGE – 40’s

(A foxhole in Afghanistan)

JOE
That was Sergeant Wiggams on the radio. He says we need to lock and load. Those bastards are coming our way.

BILLY
Oh God, no. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die in this hellhole. I have everything to live for.

JOE
Well, then you better start shooting. Here they come!

(They both start shooting like crazy.)

BILLY
Joe, there’s something a need to tell you.

JOE
Die you bastards!

BILLY
There’s something I just have to get off my chest. (fires frantically) I’m, I’m gay.

JOE
You need a grenade?

BILLY
No, I said I’m gay. I’m a homosexual.

JOE
(laughs) That’s a good one, Billy. Don’t let the war ruin your sense of humor.

BILLY
No, really I am. And I just want everyone to know it before I die.

JOE
I don’t believe it.

BILLY
It’s true. I wear flip-flops every chance I get.

JOE
If you’re gay then I’m gay.

BILLY
And I love show tunes!

JOE
You’re killing me, Billy-boy!

BILLY
Really, I do. I love them more than Rosie O’Donnell. Oklahoma, Guys and Dolls, La Cage Au Fox. I even like opera.

JOE
That don’t mean your gay. You just have bad taste in music. Hell, I like disco but I don’t like di--

(A grenade lands in their foxhole)

JOE
Grenade!

(JOE grabs the grenade and throws it out of the foxhole.)

JOE
Whew! That was close. No more gay talk.

(Sgt. Wiggams comes crawling up to the foxhole.)

SGT. WIGGAMS
How you fellows holding out? It’s a goddamn hornet’s nest out here!

JOE
We’re hanging in there Sarge. Hard Core!

BILLY
Sergeant Wiggams. I told Joe I’m coming out of the closet.

SGT. WIGGAMS
What the hell are you talking about, soldier?

JOE
He thinks he’s gay Sarge. He likes show tunes.

BILLY
That’s right, and if I die here today, I want you to tell my parents that I died a gay man. Today is my coming out day and I want everyone to know. As a matter of fact (shouting) hey Talibans, I’m gay!

SGT. WIGGAMS
Stop saying that, damn it! I don’t think you want to open this can of worms. Remember the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?

BILLY
But what about be all you can be? I want to be as gay as I can be! I love the penis!

SGT. WIGGAMS
I order you to not be gay!

BILLY
I’m sorry, Sergeant. I’m tired of living this lie, and I want everyone to know, if I should die today, that I’m wearing panties.

SGT. WIGGAMS
Soldier, I’m warning you!

BILLY
And a bra.

SARGE
Stop it!

BILLY
As a matter of fact (shouting) hey Talibans, I’m wearing panties and a bra. It’s a matching set I got from Target.

JOE
You know, Billy, honestly, I hate to smear your queerness, but, that’s really just a fetish, you know. Lot’s of guys wear women’s clothing that are perfectly heterosexual.

BILLY
Not me. I wear them because—(shouting)—I’M GAY.

SGT. WIGGAMS
If you continue in this manner I will shoot you myself.

BILLY
Sarge, come on. Stop playing dumb. What about me and you?

SARGE
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

BILLY
I’m tired of all the hiding and sneaking around behind everybody’s backs. Tell Joe that we’ve been lovers for the last three months.

JOE
What?

BILLY
That’s right, Sarge and I are lovers. And I don’t care who find’s out. As a matter of fact (shouting) hey Talibans, Sarge and I have been doing it regularly for the last three months!

SGT. WIGGAMS
Stop saying that! We are not lovers.

JOE
You know Billy, I hate to rain on your little gay pride parade, but, uh, that’s just part of the survival training.

BILLY
The what?

JOE
Yeah, the survival training. He’s been porking the whole platoon for a long time now, myself included. And I’m definitely not gay. Good training though.

BILLY
Oh, god, Sarge. You two-timing bastard.

JOE
Actually, it would have been more than just two. There’s a lot of us, you know. So I guess you’re still not gay, you’re just well trained like the rest of us.

(We hear the whistle of an artillery round)

SGT. WIGGAMS
Incoming!

(Explosion. BILLY is hit.)

BILLY
I’m hit. Oh god, I’m gonna die.

JOE
Yeah, that’s a bad one.

SGT. WIGGAMS
I’m sorry soldier.

BILLY
Please, just tell them that I died in a gay manner, that I had an accident while decorating my foxhole or something. I don’t want people to know I died on a battlefield. It’s too stereotypically masculine. (BILLY reaches in and pulls out the letter.) And I want you to give this letter to my wife. It tells her that, well, that I’m gay.

JOE
Oh Billy, even facing death, such a kidder.

BILLY
Please, just do this one thing for a dying homo.

(Billy dies.)

SGT. WIGGAMS
Do you really think he was gay?

JOE
Hell no. If he was gay, he would’ve joined the Navy.

BLACKOUT

My Holiday Card To You

Below is a video I dug up of an old Teatro Bastardo Chicago Sketchfest appearance back in January of 2007. This was a scene I wrote on the timely subject of Christmas carols.

I hope it speaks for itself. Happy NSFW holidays.