Natural Gas Company Propoganda is BULLS*!T!

Julianna Forlano is funny. And smart. And ironic. And here is her latest, and most maddening, Ironic News Report yet.

The Funniest Sketch I Ever Wrote in My Macroeconomics Class

Although you wouldn't know it from my regularity on this blog, or by the number of sketches I bring to RvD meetings, I've been writing more than I have in years. Except that it's essays for my MBA program, so usually I can't use them for sketch comedy. But one week we were given this assignment...

"You are having a discussion with a friend that suggests that we should “save” the U.S. auto industry and the middle class jobs that it employs. As a student of economics you realize that there are pros and cons to such actions aimed at saving this industry. What would be some of your pro and con arguments?"

"Aha!" I thought. A two-person scene. "At last I can write a sketch for my homework assignment!"

And then I wrote this...

Author's note: The question of whether the government should save the U.S. auto industry and what happens if it fails is a highly complex issue. The Greg and Tim characters in this story both represent my own conflicting but honest opinions, pushed to polar opposites.

CAST
GREG – a college friend of Tim
TIM – a college friend of Greg
STRANGER – a 20-something café customer

(Lights up on two friends, GREG and TIM, sitting at a table in a café. We join them mid-conversation. GREG spits a large mouthful of tea in TIM’s face.)

GREG
I am so sorry, Tim! Please forgive me!

(GREG attempts to clean off Tim’s face and glasses with a paper napkin as TIM stares back with an odd combination of surprise, stoicism, and amusement.)

GREG (cont’d)
I just hadn’t expected you to say something so naïve. I would have once agreed with you, but I’m in a Macroeconomics class now, and I forgot how stupid I used to be.

TIM
Stupid? All I said was that the government should do everything possible to save the U.S. auto industry and the middle class jobs that it employs.

(GREG spits a second round of tea in Tim’s face.)

GREG
I’m so sorry! I was even expecting it that time. It’s just that as a student of economics, I realize that there are pros and cons to such actions aimed at saving that industry.

TIM
Cons? Keeping people gainfully employed has a downside? Do you want the problem in Detroit to get worse? If the Big Three fail, it not only effects the nearly 240,000 people employed directly by Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler, but will indirectly have a catastrophic effect on the hundreds of thousands who depend on them to buy their supplies. Furthermore, those individuals who lose their jobs will have less money to spend at other retailers. (Center For Automotive Research, 2008) People will be desperate and crime will go up.

GREG
There’s no doubt that if the Big Three fail it will have a major negative impact on the U.S. economy. In fact it’s hard for me to realistically imagine a more wide-ranging catastrophic event. However, the industry has been falling apart for years, and while throwing government money at the problem can help things in the short run, I don’t think we’re looking at a permanent fix. If foreign auto companies can make cars better and cheaper, those are the ones people will buy. How much of an investment in government money is it worth to keep trying to find a way to get an edge on the competition? Also, it’s important to remember that we’re not talking about all 240,000 of those jobs disappearing. Foreign companies employ about 113,000 workers directly, and that number will go up if Detroit fails, since they will need to hire more workers to build the cars that the additional demand on foreign automobiles that would result. (Rampell, 2008)

(TIM spits a mouthful of tea in Greg’s face.)

TIM
I apologize.

GREG
I had it coming.

TIM
I just wish I could be as optimistic as you. How many times have we seen U.S. companies outsource jobs to other countries to take advantage of lower wages? Why wouldn’t Japan do the same thing, especially if the domestic U.S. suppliers they used to use are now closed because of the closing of the Big Three. (Rampell, 2008)

GREG
But they won’t close altogether. There will be a huge shock to the system initially, and some suppliers, maybe even many, will fail. But it won’t be long before foreign companies start filling that void, and business to the suppliers will start to increase again. In the meantime, seeds will be planted for new industries that we can’t even imagine.

TIM
New industries, yes. Like green technologies. As the world becomes more aware of global climate change, there is already an increased demand in green products. One of the major polluters is the automobile. Do you see where I’m going with this?

GREG
Yes, you think that green automobiles could be the big thing that saves us.

TIM
You got it. And there are already reasons for genuine hope. For the last four years, the U.S. has seen a significant increase in light vehicle exports. (Klier, 2008)

GREG
You may be right about our light vehicle exports, but I hope you’re not banking on Detroit to find the edge on green automobiles. Japan is already leading that one. They’re an oil-poor country and were researching energy efficiency long before the world became concerned with climate change. They’ve been researching it for years, and their hard work is already paying off. (Rowley, 2008) It’s a race the U.S. is going to lose. The question is only whether we let the companies lose on their own, or delay their loss by giving them more money from our taxes.

TIM
The U.S. has always had the edge on know-how, creativity, and ingenuity. We’ll figure something out.

GREG
Then why haven’t we figured it out for so many years? That industry has been falling apart for 20+ years. Let’s just pull the plug and move on!

(A STRANGER walks up and spits coffee all over Tim and Greg.)

STRANGER
I'm so sorry. This tea is horrible.

GREG
Hey, no problem.

TIM
No worries, these things happen.

(As the STRANGER exits, she spits another mouthful of tea on a couple sitting at another table and promptly apologizes.)

TIM
It's easy for someone who doesn’t work in the industry to tell that entire industry to "move on." Pulling the plug will ruin lives—the lives of real people who actually exist. They’re not just statistics to be looked at coldly on paper. What is the purpose of government if not to organize and protect its citizens? Causing or allowing people to suffer today in the pursuit of bigger profits tomorrow is amoral.

GREG
Maybe there’s a way we can let nature take its course AND protect the people who are going to be hit catastrophically by this? Maybe those billions of dollars spent attempting to bailout a sinking ship could have been reserved to directly improve the quality of life for the individuals who will lose their jobs when they ultimately fail.

TIM
I don’t know. Maybe. (TIM tries to sip his tea but it’s empty.) Hey, I’m out of tea. Can I have some of yours?

GREG
Sure.

TIM
What kind of tea is this? It smells good.

(As TIM sips the tea, GREG reads the label.)

GREG
Japanese Sencha Green Tea. Grown and packaged in Tallahassee, Florida.

(TIM spits a mouthful of tea in Greg’s face. Blackout.)

References:
Rampell, C. (2008). How many jobs depend on the Big Three. Message posted to New York Times Online blog, Economix. Archived at http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/17/how-many-jobs-depend-on-the-big-three/

Rowley, I. (2008). Japan's New Green Car Push. BusinessWeek Online, 16. Retrieved January 31, 2010 from Business Source Elite database.

Klier, T. (2008). U.S. auto exports on the rise. Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago. Retrieved January 31, 2010 from http://midwest.chicagofedblogs.org/archives/2008/07/auto_exportskli.html.

Center For Automotive Research. (2008). Car research memorandum: the impact on the U.S. economy of a major contraction of the Detroit Three automakers. Retrieved January 31, 2010 from http://www.cargroup.org/documents/FINALDetroitThreeContractionImpact_3__001.pdf.

D-
(see me after class)

MOON!

Ah the 60’s – possibly one of the most tumultuous times in the history of our great nation. During that decade, important figures were assassinated left and right, various non-white, non-straight-male type peoples were demanding things like “rights” and “equality,” a lot of kids were getting shot at in the middle of a jungle and still more kids were at home smoking the doobs, tripping balls and sitting around in front of important buildings. Meanwhile, the old bastards who fought World War II were wondering what everyone was complaining about.

And during that time of great public angst, our fine nation’s government needed to take action. They needed to do something that would make everyone forget the fact that the nation was tearing apart at the seams and draw them together again into a warm, fuzzy cocoon of common achievement and distraction.

That’s why on July 20th, 1969, exactly forty years ago today, our government took an unprecedented step. They took three young astronauts, transported them to a sound stage in the middle of the Nevada desert, and faked a moon landing.

And thus began an American tradition: the tradition of faking large public events on a sound stage at Area 51 as a means of distracting people from the turmoil around them.

Today is an unofficial holiday of sorts. It’s a day to sit back and give thanks to our government for such government fabricated national distractions as:

The Granada Invasion
The Gulf War (the “good one” from the early 90’s)
The Monica Lewinsky Scandal
Hugo Chavez
‘N Sync
The 2004 and 2007 World Series Champion Red Sox
The Last 4 Years of George W Bush’s Presidency
Duran Duran
Sarah Palin
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
The Fall of the Berlin Wall (FAAAKE!)
The 70’s (the entire decade)
The Food Network
All These Freaking Vampire Movies Coming Out All of a Sudden

God bless you all, and God bless bread and circuses!

Happy America Week! Let's Celebrate!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are blessed to live in a country where this week is a short work week. Why is it a short work week? Because AMER'CA, that's why.

YEAH AMER'CA!!

This Saturday marks the day that we've decided to call the birthday of our great country, even though this is kind of an arbitrary choice considering that the first battle of the American Revolution took place on April 19th of 1775 - well over a year before the Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4th 1776 - and that the British didn't surrender at Yorktown until October of 1781, that the last battle was a navel engagement on March 10th 1783 and that the Constitution, which officially set up the government that we know today, wasn't ratified until June 21st 1781.

But whatever, we had to pick something right? And July 4th is it! And since it's every American's right to have a day off from work (unless you work in the food service or retail or entertainment industry) because of the Fourth, and since the Fourth is on a Saturday this year, everyone (except the food service or retail or entertainment industry) gets Friday off.

This includes me.

Most people celebrate the nation's birthday by drinking beer, grilling meats and watching things blow up in the sky. But not me, my friends. Because I take my AMER'CA seriously. That's why this year, I am inviting you all to join me as I exercise my rights by participating in the Bill of Rights Derby!

Using the Bill of Rights as a guide, exercise each and every one of those first ten rights guaranteed to you by the crusty old yellow piece of paper that is the cornerstone of our nation. (You know, the Constitution. The founding document of our nation's government. You've read it, right? Or have a copy of it? You can find it on the Internet, right? Right?)

Here is the scorecard I will be using, along with some suggestions for how to practice each Amendment.

Amendment Score Card:

First Amendment: “Free Speech/Press/Religion/Assembly.”
Exercise your right to hold a demonstration where you pass out pamphlets promoting your new religion. Be sure to use a lot of profanity and deny the existence of the holocaust while you’re at it. This is your right.

Second Amendment: “Right to Bear Arms.”
Go out and buy a weapon. This may include but is not limited to fire arms. For instance, a good old fashioned Medieval mace might do the trick. This is your right.

Third Amendment: “Protection from Quartering Troops.”
Call up a member of the Armed Forces and invite them to a sleepover party to be held at your house/apartment/hovel. Then, when they arrive carrying a copy of Sixteen Candles, deny them entry to your house/apartment/hovel. This is your right.

Fourth Amendment: “Protection from Unreasonable Search and Seizure.”
Call up a member of the local police department and invite them to an Easter Egg hunt at your house/apartment/hovel. Then, when they arrive, refuse to let them into your house/apartment/hovel, citing the requirement for a warrant to gain access. This is your right.

The next four can be done all at once.

Fifth Amendment: “Due Process/Double Jeopardy”
Sixth Amendment: “Trial by Jury”
Seventh Amendment: “Civil Trial by Jury”
Eight Amendment: “Prohibition of Cruel and Unusual Punishment”
Commit some sort of crime wherein you at least cause damage in excess of $20. Get arrested, post bail and then be tried by a jury of your peers. Then, be found innocent and get off scott free. After that, refuse to be tried again for the same crime. Also, don’t get beaten by the police. This is your right.

Ninth Amendment: “Protection of Rights Not Specified in the Bill of Rights.”
Do something that the Constitution nor the Bill of Rights specifies that you cannot do. Like walking naked down State Street while carrying a large sign extolling the virtues of classic Marxism. Or pretending to be the King of France. This is your right.

Tenth Amendment: “Powers Not Delegated by the Constitution Belong to the People.”
Celebrate this by refusing to pay income tax. This is your right.

Each right practiced gets you one point. You get a bonus two points for being tried and going to the Supreme Court with an additional point awarded for them ruling in your favor and an additional two points for them declaring something unconstitutional.

Good luck! Check in next Monday and let us know your progress!

AMER'CA!!