What I Want For Christmas

Here are just a few things I want for Christmas this year:

Black work socks.

Underwear, size large.

A Snuggie, blue.

Money.

Power.

Pec implants.

Fame.

Fortune.

Calf implants.

All of my favorite foods fed to me by Selma Hayek.

My wife’s permission to let Selma Hayek feed me all my favorite foods.

Selma Hayek to cancel the restraining order she has against me.

To control my drinking problem.

For my bladder to be able to function when I am passed out.

A new pair of nice, clean pants.

A ski mask.

A handgun.

The work schedules, number of security officers, knowledge of peak hours and blueprint schematics for the bank near my house.

For the Kansas City Chiefs to win the Superbowl.

For the Kansas City Royals to win the World Series.

For Kansas City to schedule a parade for the Royals and the Chiefs and then cancel the parade and instead schedule a parade for my Fantasy Football Team, The Beermen.

Peace on Earth.

Goodwill toward men.

The respect that I deserve.

Anything else you think I might like, along with a gift receipt so I can return it and get a second Snuggie, which is for Selma Hayek.

Merry Christmas.

Your Team Sucks

How do you know your professional sports team is awful? As a Kansas City Chiefs fan, let me tell you.

You know your team is awful when they sign somebody else’s backup quarterback to be their new starter and everyone is excited. When everyone heard that New England had traded us Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel for only a second round pick we thought “What a deal! Is New England crazy?” Maybe New England was doing us a favor because our new coach and general manager are buddies with Mr. Hoodie-wearing grumpy pants, Bill Belichick. Or maybe that was the best offer they could find. Either way, we were thrilled. Our lowly team that only won two games last year was trying to get better, and we just might have fleeced the football dynasty of this decade.

So consider me as one of those who was pretty enthused when I heard about the Matt Cassel deal--until I saw his picture. He is just so darn . . . cute. But not Tom Brady cute, more like Zac Efron cute. Not really the look you want to strike fear into the hearts of the opposing defense.

This tough guy?


Or this tough guy?


So now I’m dubious, at best. But it could be worse. At least my team isn’t getting ready to waste another in a long line of horrible draft picks on this guy from Georgia.



That’s Matthew Stafford, who will likely be drafted by the even-lowlier-than-the Chiefs-record-holders-for-suckiness-oh-and-16 Detroit Lions, also known as Nat’s Team.

Look, Nat, your new Quarterback isn’t even strong enough to hoist a keg of Busch Light on his own!

That’s right, I said Busch Light!

So, going back to my opening question, I guess the real answer is: You know your team is awful when your team is the Detroit Lions.