You want healthcare speech play-by-plays?

RvD has been spending our evenings doing last minute prepping and polishing of our new script for our first rehearsal tonight. Because of our creative diligence, I was unable to watch President Obama's speech to congress last night. However, my friend Michelle was gracious enough to text me updates. It's like I was there!

"Madam Speaker! The President of the United States!"

7:11 p.m. Mr. President is being Mr. Rockstar, with five full minutes of crowd surfing and high fiving.

7:12 p.m. BO hands JB and NP secret manila envelopes.

7:14 p.m. Full-on Democratic orgasm.

7:20 p.m. History lesson.

7:23 p.m. Heartstring tugging. Guilt tripping. Why, oh, why do I swoon when he condescends to me?

7:25 p.m. Fuck you, insurance giants!

7:27 p.m. Fuck you, Canada!

7:28 p.m. "Build on what works and fix what doesn't." (This will lead nearly every single article you read about this speech.)

7:28: The time for bickering is over. ... Now is the season for action.

Okay, this actually got really good. Here's the rundown of his plan:

If you have health insurance, nothing in this plan will require you to change your plan or the doctor you have. "Let me repeat this [Republicans]."

* It will be against the law to be denied insurance for a pre-existing condition.
* It will be against the law for insurance companies to drop you when you get sick or water it down when you need it the most.
* There will be no arbitrary cap on the amount of coverage you can receive in a year, or in a lifetime.
* It will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out of pocket expenses.

For people who don't have health insurance, he's creating a health care mega mall, a "new insurance exchange" where individuals and small businesses will be able to shop for health insurance at affordable prices. For people that still can't afford it, the government will assign tax credit based on need.

Essentially, people will be required to have health insurance, just like people are required to have car insurance.

7:36 p.m. "While there are still significant details that need to be ironed out" ... (audience laughs)

7:38 p.m. Sticking it to Sarah Palin regarding death panels. He calls it cynical and irresponsible. And gets a standing ovation.

7:39 p.m. Boooooo'd for saying the plan won't cover illegal aliens.

7:41 p.m. Boooooo'd from me for saying no federal dollars used to fund abortions.

7:42 p.m. "I don't want to put insurance companies out of business, I just want to hold them accountable." I can't believe how easy it is to watch this guy. Even when I was watching GWB to make fun it was seriously boring. This is like eating candy. Ba-rock candy.

7:46 p.m. His "no new taxes" is called "not one dime to the deficit."

7:48 p.m. Sticking it to Dubya on Iraq and tax breaks for the wealthy.

7:51 p.m. "I want to speak directly to the seniors for a minute. I SAID, I WANT TO TALK TO THE SENIORS ABOUT MEDICARE FOR A MINUTE!"

7:53 p.m. Health care pricetag = $900 billion over a decade.

7:56 p.m. "If you misrepresent what's in this plan, we will call you out." Damn, B.

7:58 p.m. Ted Kennedy's ghost can mail letters. Spooooooky.

8:01 p.m. Hope montage.

8:03 p.m. Crowd surfing round two. This time it's more like paddle-boarding.

8:06 p.m. JB and NP open their secret envelopes. It's a picture of GWB's face superimposed with, "What, Me Worry?"

8:07 p.m. Barack has left the building.

I'm posting this without Michelle's permission. She'll either get a kick out of it or will be really pissed. If this post disappears, you'll know which.

Hey, Oprah Winfrey, give me my chicken!

Oprah Winfrey helped KFC launch its new grilled chicken on her television show by announcing that a coupon for a free meal was available on her website. Millions of people downloaded the special software needed to access the coupon. The lucky ones for whom it the program worked then printed the coupon and dreamed the dreams that only carnivores dream.
Those chicken-filled dreams soon turned into nightmares when the coupon holders arrived at their neighborhood KFC restaurants. Some met with long lines, others with surly employees who refused to take the coupon. Many didn't even get in the door, instead being greeted by signs disavowing the two-week promotion (one store in Chicago had a sign declaring the location closed for a two-week vacation).
Several things may have been at play here:

• KFC underestimated the demand and short-stocked the stores.
• Franchisees were not sufficiently informed of the promotion.
• Overwhelmed staff broke under the pressure.
• Customers (a word derived from the Latin verb meaning "to act like a dickhead") abused the system.

Whatever the reason, one thing is very clear: everybody's blaming Oprah. Comments on blogs and new websites ask, "how could Oprah do this to her loyal viewers?" One woman even managed to blame Oprah and President Obama (complaining that the two big O's are only interested in feeding Africans). Blaming Oprah makes as much sense as blaming Edward Gibbon for the fall of the Roman Empire. Thankfully, the Bill of Rights grants Americans freedom from logic.

Also this week, President Obama and Vice President Biden stopped off at Ray's Hell Burger in Arlington, Virginia. The President ordered a cheeseburger with mustard. Mustard. Mr. President, real Americans eat ketchup! What kind of example are you setting for our children by skipping this tasty, liquid vegetable? For shame! Rush Limbaugh drinks a bottle of ketchup every morning for breakfast.
To make matters worse, he asked for Dijon mustard. You are the President of the United States, not France. Go back to Russia, you fascist commie racist!