A New Adventure

Mr. Fuck and Mr. Shit Speak of the Jonas Brothers.

FUCK
I say, Mr. Shit, I sure enjoy the Jonas Brothers.

SHIT
As do I, my dear Fuck. Their musical genius makes my groin sing.

FUCK
My favorite Jonas brother is Ralph.

SHIT
There is no Jonas Brother by the name of Ralph.

FUCK
Are you certain? It was just this very morning that I was lying in bed, ballgag perfectly immobilizing my jaw, dreaming of a rousing rendezvous of rogering with Ralph Jonas.

SHIT
My dear fellow, Ralph Jonas is the homeless man who lives under the 16th Street bridge.

FUCK
I do not recall such a gentleman.

SHIT
Do not recall? We stick woodland creatures upon his manhood every Thursday evening.

FUCK
Of course! The fine fellow we fellated with a ferret!

SHIT
No, you are thing of Mr. Bailey Noel Tosment, the youth pastor in Carbondale. I speak of the man we meat-mangled with a macaw monkey.

FUCK
Ah, yes! It is now as clear as an Appalachian sunrise.

SHIT
Shall we masturbate to reruns of Gary Unmarried?

FUCK
Indubitably!

The Greatest Sketch Ever Written

I've done it! I have written the finest sketch any writer ever wroted! Ladies and Gentleman, I present "Mr. Fuck and Mr. Shit Buy a Bottle of Camel Cum."


(MR. FUCK and MR. SHIT are walking down the street.)

MR. FUCK

Mr. Shit?

MR. SHIT

Yes, Mr. Fuck?

MR. FUCK

I should like to buy a bottle of camel cum.

MR. SHIT

Why should you like to buy a bottle of camel cum?

MR. FUCK

Because, my dear Shit, I am making a pie.

MR. SHIT

Then let's enter this fine establishment.

(MR. SHIT points at a window that reads "Cornelius Assexplosion's House of Camel Cum." They enter the store. CORNELIUS stands behind a counter.)

CORNELIUS

Greetings! Welcome to The House of Camel Cum. I am Cornelius Assexplosion.

MR. FUCK

Greetings to you. I am Fuck. This is my associate, Shit.

CORNELIUS

How may I help you?

MR. FUCK

I require a bottle of camel cum.

CORNELIUS

What size, sir?

MR. FUCK

I did not know that there were different sizes. What do you recommend?

CORNELIUS

That depends upon your purpose.

MR. FUCK

I am making a pie.

CORNELIUS

For how many persons?

MR. FUCK

Just my mother and I.

CORNELIUS

Then I recommend the small bottle of camel cum.

MR. FUCK

Then one small bottle of camel cum I shall buy.

CORNELIUS

That will be 25 cents, please.

MR. FUCK

Here you are, my good man. One shiny quarter.

CORNELIUS

And here is your small bottle of camel cum.

MR. FUCK

Thank you. Have a good day.

CORNELIUS

And a good day to you, sir.

(MR. FUCK exits. A minute passes.)

CORNELIUS

(to MR. SHIT) May I help you?

MR. SHIT

I should like to show you my willy.

CORNELIUS

Thank you, sir.

The End.