Robot vs. Dinosaur - Chicago

Natural Gas Company Propoganda is BULLS*!T!

2011-10-13T15:58:00.002-05:00

Julianna Forlano is funny. And smart. And ironic. And here is her latest, and most maddening, Ironic News Report yet.

It's Funny

2011-07-20T17:18:00.003-05:00

It's funny that I am the first person to post a blog since April. You probably don't know why it's funny, but I do. That is why inside jokes work very well in sketch and improv comedy. Here is a photo that came up when I typed "water bomb mallery" into google:

Feel free to make up a story as to why those words and that picture are connected as you drift off to sleep tonight.

St Drunken, Debriefed!

2011-04-20T11:23:00.000-05:00

Well, St. Drunken's Day was last Saturday and we're just now getting over the hangover. Personally, I couldn't remember completely what all happened. Luckily, Greg's friend Laura Shin had a camera and took pictures! So let's take a look through here and see if we can remember what the hell happened:

Yeah, this was the pageant. I remember that happening at some point. I think we were all only three beers or so down by that point. This is either a picture of St. Drunken praying to the Lord for guidance, or else Greg is about to put some sort of crazy flying wrestling move on Geoff, with the help of Susie and Joe. It's probably a wrestling move.

It's okay, though, because Greg and Geoff obviously made up.

LADIES!

Here's us playing the St. Drunken's Day traditional song. Note the excessive amount of guitars on stage. And yes, that would be Chris holding the lyrics for Greg. Because we are professionals, damn it. Also, please note in the background that Joe is playing the 'stairs.' This is considered a legitimate instrument during St. Drunken's Day festivities.

Here's Chris teaching everybody how to read. It was the educational portion of the show, and I think everybody was touched. Meaning, of course, that Chris made it a point to physically touch everyone. This would be a great group photo if I was in this, but I'm not. And where was I?

Hanging out with my doppelganger, that's where. It's not often that you go through your wardrobe specifically to find the weirdest shirt you own, only to find someone else wearing the exact same shirt. Once I got over the inexplicable shame and embarassment of that, I went over and introduced myself. His name's Jeremy and he's awesome. Look! We're buddies.

So what the hell else happened?

Beer Pong, apparently. Susie was so zoned in that she became blurry.

Foosball.

Beer drinking (That's the photographer taking a break). OH! And this guy!

That guy parked himself by the Plinko board that I made for the party and basically ran the damn thing for an hour and a half. It was like having Bob Barker show up to your event and just start running your drinking games. It was great. No idea who this guy was, but hats off to you!

All in all, it was a successful night and a hell of a lot of fun. Thanks to the guys at the loft for all of their help with putting everything on; thanks to Laura for showing up with a camera and documenting everything for us; and most of all, thanks to everyone who showed up to celebrate this little holiday with us.

Look at you guys. You're beautiful.

RvD Fundraiser - It's St. Drunken's Day!

2011-03-30T14:09:00.003-05:00

Robot vs. Dinosaur invites you to attend a fundraiser celebrating: St. Drunken’s Day! A Holiday for the Drunken Masses

The event will feature the first-ever St. Drunken’s Day pageant, drinking games, drinking songs, a raffle for fun drinking (and non-drinking) related prizes, a silent auction of one-of-a-kind St. Drunken’s Day artwork and a host of other fun activities including a goodly amount of a certain beverage made from hops and barley.

The Details:

What: St. Drunken’s Day Celebration When: Saturday, April 16, 2011 from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. Where: 3036 North Lincoln Avenue, #2 Tickets: $20 in advance, $25 at the door (this event is capped so purchase your tickets early--don’t get left out of the celebration!)

To purchase tickets see any member of RvD.

You must be 21 to attend St. Drunken’s Day.

About St. Drunken: St. Drunken is the world’s mostly forgotten patron saint of drunks, inebriates, drinkers, imbibers and people who like to have fun. He is responsible for finding arbitrary reasons for people to get together, enjoy each other’s company, shake off the weight of the world, and drink alcohol (usually to excess).

All proceeds will go to help fund future RvD shows, not to buy beer for RvD. Mostly.

Muffin Tops

2011-03-28T14:27:00.004-05:00

Did you know that "Muffin Top" was recently added to the Oxford English Dictionary? Well, it was.

"2. a protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers."

And while it may have taken Oxford University until 2011 to appreciate the phenomenon, our friends at Creepy Hug have been celebrating Muffin Tops for years. This video is from Chicago Sketchfest 2009, and it also reveals Creepy Hug took notice of Charlie Sheen long before his recent press. They were about 25 years late on Rainbow Bright, however. Enjoy.

Happy Pulaski Day!

2011-03-07T14:27:00.004-06:00

Our friends at *Creepy Hug, and the Peanuts gang, help explain what this holiday is all about.

SHOW TOMORROW

2011-03-01T10:51:00.001-06:00

Swiped and reposted for maximum laziness:

WBEZ Dueling Critics Kelly Kleiman and Jonathan Arbarbanel will take the audience through memorable moments in Chicago’s rich theater history along with a panel of experts. Stitching the evening together, five local theater companies will perform a few of these moments with tongues firmly in cheeks.

To attend you must purchase tickets at wbez.org/events.

On stage:

...- Kelly Kleiman is a freelance writer on the arts, feminism, travel and social justice.
- Jonathan Abarbanel is theater critic for WBEZ and the weekly Windy City Times newspaper.

Also:

Critic Albert Williams, Broadway actor Kate Buddeke, and Victory Gardens' founder Dennis Zacek

With:

Sketch comedy group Robot vs. Dinosaur, spoken word troupe BoyGirlBoyGirl, fringe theater companies The Plagiarists and RoShamBo Theater, and southside educational theater company Tofu Chitlin' Circuit

Tickets

$15/general admission
$12/WBEZ members
$10/students (with valid ID)

More information: http://chicagopublicradio.org/Event_Detail.aspx?eventID=2099

Just Need Some Space...?

2011-02-10T06:47:00.002-06:00

This is awkward. I got this e-mail this morning.

Hey Joe,

We've missed you at Myspace lately. Plain and simple, we think you should come back. And here's why.

The new Myspace provides the best social entertainment experience on Earth.

You can now follow your favorite topics in music, movies, celebs, and TV and get instant updates from around the web.

The new Myspace gives you custom recommendations so you can discover more of what you love and connect with new like-minded friends.

MySpace

I have been working on my response.

Hey, MySpace,

Good to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing well, which is great. Very happy to hear that. Sorry I haven't seen you in so long. Seems like years! Where does the time go? Thanks for the link. I actually lost your url. Got a new computer, didn't have my old bookmarks or passwords, etc, you know how it goes.

I appreciate the invite to come back, but I have to be honest here. The reason I haven't been visiting you is because I have been seeing someone else. For a few years now. And, yes, if you do the math, I was seeing them while still seeing you. I feel like a real heel and I never meant to hurt you. They were just very persistent and eventually won me over. What can I say? Social media can be so fickle, right?

Well, I wouldn't be surprised if you never wanted to hear or see from me, again. But, if you're up for it, I wouldn't mind getting together for coffee and chatting about old times. When you're ready. Tell Tom I said hello. I always thought he was nice.

- Joe

P.S. Oh, hey. Have you ever heard of Friendster? You two should meet and hang out. I think you have a lot to talk about.

ON THE DOCKET

2011-02-09T15:11:00.001-06:00

On the off chance that anyone still reads this thing and wants to know what RvD is up to in the new year, here are a couple of projects we're woring on:

Writing and performing a piece for WBEZ's Alternative History of Chicago Theatre (Abridged) on Wednesday, March 2nd.
An eBook version of our first show, The Greatest Stories Never Told... Told!
A fundraiser evening called "St. Drunken's Day."
Our as yet untitled Spring/Summer show about mutant animal sketch comedy performers in futuristic Nazi Illinois.
Cake for everyone!

So, we have that to look forward to. Hope to see some of you people out at one or all of these.

I Saw Social Network! In Other News, Oh God The Hindenburg!

2011-01-24T10:52:00.001-06:00

My name is Nat Topping, and I am the last person to see Social Network.

I am now in an awkward position, which is this: after seeing a movie like Social Network, I would normally like to run out and talk about it with other people. But since everyone has seen the movie already, I would just be opening myself up to criticism.

'Really? You're just now talking about Social Network? That movie has been out for like half a year, hasn't it?'

Yes, it's been out since October. But I didn't have a chance to see it in October and now I have and doesn't anyone else want to talk about it? I promise I'll have witty and interesting things to say about it! Honest, I will!

But no, nobody wants to talk about Social Network. Because everyone on the planet has already had their Social Network discussion moments. Everyone's already debated whether or not Mark Zuckerberg is a douchebag. Everyone's already questioned whether Justin Timberlake did a good job as Sean Parker because he's suddenly a good actor or because he himself is also a douchebag. Everyone's already posted their Facebook "I'm watching Social Network while posting on Facebook" wall posts.

It would be like me running up to people and saying "Hey, have you kids seen that new Annie Hall movie? Boy howdie, that Woody Allen sure knows how to write!"

Just saw that new Citizen Kane movie and it was amazing. Everybody rush out to your nearest movie house! It's worth the 50 cent price of admission, and if you stay after you can check out one of them new Looney Toons!

To sum up, I suck.

But at least I wrote a blog post today.

SHOW SHOW SHOW SKETCHFEST SHOW SHOW SHOW

2011-01-05T12:26:00.000-06:00

Let the New Year’s pluggery commence!

Next Friday, January 14th at 7:00 PM, your favorite Chicago sketch comedy group named Robot vs Dinosaur PERFORMS at Chicago Sketchfest!

Come spend an hour with us as we relive our short lived glory sketches in an ‘unplugged’ environment. There will be sketches and songs and even a staged reading of something too inappropriate to be staged. And as always the show ends catastrophically.

See? Unplugged! Like Aerosmith!

CHICAGO SKETCHFEST 2011

@Stage773

1225 W Belmont Ave

Chicago, IL 60657

Robot vs Dinosaur

Friday, 1/14 @ 7:00 PM

South Theatre

For more information and ticketing, go to www.chicagosketchfest.com/

Don't Ask, Do Tell

2010-12-22T10:18:00.003-06:00

In the spirit of the repeal of the infamous (and stupid) "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, I thought I would share a scene I wrote clear back in 2003 when I was a student in the Second City Conservatory Writing Progam.

I just want to say that Obama has knocked another one out of the park. If only Gomer Pyle were still around to enjoy this. And I can't wait to see what happens to the Beetle Bailey comics now.

Enjoy!

Chris Othic
“GAY FOXHOLE”
February 26, 2003 (Version #2)
CAST
JOE – 30’s
BILLY – 30’s
SARGE – 40’s

(A foxhole in Afghanistan)

JOE
That was Sergeant Wiggams on the radio. He says we need to lock and load. Those bastards are coming our way.

BILLY
Oh God, no. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die in this hellhole. I have everything to live for.

JOE
Well, then you better start shooting. Here they come!

(They both start shooting like crazy.)

BILLY
Joe, there’s something a need to tell you.

JOE
Die you bastards!

BILLY
There’s something I just have to get off my chest. (fires frantically) I’m, I’m gay.

JOE
You need a grenade?

BILLY
No, I said I’m gay. I’m a homosexual.

JOE
(laughs) That’s a good one, Billy. Don’t let the war ruin your sense of humor.

BILLY
No, really I am. And I just want everyone to know it before I die.

JOE
I don’t believe it.

BILLY
It’s true. I wear flip-flops every chance I get.

JOE
If you’re gay then I’m gay.

BILLY
And I love show tunes!

JOE
You’re killing me, Billy-boy!

BILLY
Really, I do. I love them more than Rosie O’Donnell. Oklahoma, Guys and Dolls, La Cage Au Fox. I even like opera.

JOE
That don’t mean your gay. You just have bad taste in music. Hell, I like disco but I don’t like di--

(A grenade lands in their foxhole)

JOE
Grenade!

(JOE grabs the grenade and throws it out of the foxhole.)

JOE
Whew! That was close. No more gay talk.

(Sgt. Wiggams comes crawling up to the foxhole.)

SGT. WIGGAMS
How you fellows holding out? It’s a goddamn hornet’s nest out here!

JOE
We’re hanging in there Sarge. Hard Core!

BILLY
Sergeant Wiggams. I told Joe I’m coming out of the closet.

SGT. WIGGAMS
What the hell are you talking about, soldier?

JOE
He thinks he’s gay Sarge. He likes show tunes.

BILLY
That’s right, and if I die here today, I want you to tell my parents that I died a gay man. Today is my coming out day and I want everyone to know. As a matter of fact (shouting) hey Talibans, I’m gay!

SGT. WIGGAMS
Stop saying that, damn it! I don’t think you want to open this can of worms. Remember the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?

BILLY
But what about be all you can be? I want to be as gay as I can be! I love the penis!

SGT. WIGGAMS
I order you to not be gay!

BILLY
I’m sorry, Sergeant. I’m tired of living this lie, and I want everyone to know, if I should die today, that I’m wearing panties.

SGT. WIGGAMS
Soldier, I’m warning you!

BILLY
And a bra.

SARGE
Stop it!

BILLY
As a matter of fact (shouting) hey Talibans, I’m wearing panties and a bra. It’s a matching set I got from Target.

JOE
You know, Billy, honestly, I hate to smear your queerness, but, that’s really just a fetish, you know. Lot’s of guys wear women’s clothing that are perfectly heterosexual.

BILLY
Not me. I wear them because—(shouting)—I’M GAY.

SGT. WIGGAMS
If you continue in this manner I will shoot you myself.

BILLY
Sarge, come on. Stop playing dumb. What about me and you?

SARGE
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

BILLY
I’m tired of all the hiding and sneaking around behind everybody’s backs. Tell Joe that we’ve been lovers for the last three months.

JOE
What?

BILLY
That’s right, Sarge and I are lovers. And I don’t care who find’s out. As a matter of fact (shouting) hey Talibans, Sarge and I have been doing it regularly for the last three months!

SGT. WIGGAMS
Stop saying that! We are not lovers.

JOE
You know Billy, I hate to rain on your little gay pride parade, but, uh, that’s just part of the survival training.

BILLY
The what?

JOE
Yeah, the survival training. He’s been porking the whole platoon for a long time now, myself included. And I’m definitely not gay. Good training though.

BILLY
Oh, god, Sarge. You two-timing bastard.

JOE
Actually, it would have been more than just two. There’s a lot of us, you know. So I guess you’re still not gay, you’re just well trained like the rest of us.

(We hear the whistle of an artillery round)

SGT. WIGGAMS
Incoming!

(Explosion. BILLY is hit.)

BILLY
I’m hit. Oh god, I’m gonna die.

JOE
Yeah, that’s a bad one.

SGT. WIGGAMS
I’m sorry soldier.

BILLY
Please, just tell them that I died in a gay manner, that I had an accident while decorating my foxhole or something. I don’t want people to know I died on a battlefield. It’s too stereotypically masculine. (BILLY reaches in and pulls out the letter.) And I want you to give this letter to my wife. It tells her that, well, that I’m gay.

JOE
Oh Billy, even facing death, such a kidder.

BILLY
Please, just do this one thing for a dying homo.

(Billy dies.)

SGT. WIGGAMS
Do you really think he was gay?

JOE
Hell no. If he was gay, he would’ve joined the Navy.

BLACKOUT

My Holiday Card To You

2010-12-08T06:32:00.004-06:00

Below is a video I dug up of an old Teatro Bastardo Chicago Sketchfest appearance back in January of 2007. This was a scene I wrote on the timely subject of Christmas carols.

I hope it speaks for itself. Happy NSFW holidays.

Tribute

2010-11-16T10:18:00.008-06:00

As most of you know, my father passed away last June after a battle with cancer. A few months before that, in March, my parents celebrated their 35th Wedding Anniversary. Because of crazy schedules and frequent trips back home to see him and my Mom during his illness, Mary and I couldn't make the date of anniversary party, so I decided to do a video and send it to the party.

Despite the quality of the video (I shot and edited it on some software made for kids--the Intel Play Kids Movie Editor) I'm pretty happy with it. I think I got my point across, and my parents loved it.

So this is for you Mom and Dad. With love. From me.

What Does Your Television Viewing Say About You?

2010-11-12T09:49:00.000-06:00

Hello from Hollywood! Since I've moved to the land of studios, I've learned that ratings and viewing figures mean everything. In fact, if fewer than 125 people look at me in a day, I may cease to exist.

The Hollywood Reporter has a story highlighting the viewing habits of Republicans and Democrats. Here are the top 15 for each group:

What does this say about you? Have you discovered that your voting record is a lie?

Looks like I'm a Republican. As a big fan of sitcoms (and seeking a gig writing on one), I apparently want my taxes lower, my gun rack larger, and my immigrants non-existent. The Democrat list include three comedies whereas the Republican list has four (five if you include Glenn Beck). Chuck Lorre must be thrilled.

What are you, RvD blog readers?

(Also, buy my book.)

The Steering Wheel Desk

2010-11-09T14:36:00.004-06:00

Posting has been slim around here, to say the least, but here is a little present for you. Just click the link below and start reading the comments on this amazing product. Don't forget to look at the customer images as well. You will not be disappointed.

I give you: The Steering Wheel Desk.
After you are done you should consider taking Oprah's No Phone Zone Pledge. Seriously.

I like to think I'm saving lives.

Don't Be A Douchebag - Vote!

2010-10-28T07:28:00.002-05:00

Only Two Shows Left!

2010-10-14T07:14:00.002-05:00

Only two more shows! Robot vs. Dinosaur's The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton under the Direction of The Great Sea Serpent. See it before it's gone forever. The show rocks. It's funny. The music is great. And it has a sea serpent!

Another Video for My Mom

2010-09-30T10:20:00.004-05:00

They have no idea why they must do all this, but they know there are treats in it for them. Dogs with a purpose in mind.

Only Four Weekends Left!

2010-09-29T07:29:00.001-05:00

(Erin Morrill, Lisa Lohman and Emme Williams)

You tell them you're not coming to see "The Saga of the Viking Women." And then run!

Or come see the show. Fridays and Saturdays at 10:30pm at Stage 773.

We Open Friday!

2010-09-22T08:07:00.002-05:00

Click HERE for tickets. Only $15.

Press Release - Viking Women

2010-09-15T09:44:00.005-05:00

For Immediate ReleasePress Contact: Nat Topping, Robot vs. Dinosaur, nat.topping@gmail.com, 734-657-8582
Audience Contact: Stage 773 @ 773-327-5252, info@stage773.com

Viking Vixens Search for Missing WarriorsRobot vs. Dinosaur’s mash-up of deliciously terrible B-movie and “Marat/Sade” takes audiences on hilarious voyage

CHICAGO, IL (September 14, 2010) ... You could call it a metatheatrical feast of love, lust, betrayal, loyalty, and the struggle of all human beings to overcome the suffering of being alive, or like the poster says, “A hilarious play based on a bad movie, with songs and scantily clad ladies, performed by lunatics.” It’s Robot vs. Dinosaur’s The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton under the Direction of the Great Sea Serpent). The show runs Fridays and Saturdays, September 24 - October 23 at 10:30 pm at Stage 773.

This comedic play reanimates Roger Corman’s 1957 babesploitation fantasy about Viking women in search of their men and mashes it together with the famous 1963 Peter Weiss play best known as Marat/Sade.

The production first appeared as part of this summer’s Neo-Futurists Film Festival, which typically features staged readings of deliciously bad movies. But this go-round at Stage 773 features even more madness than before. Joe Janes, director of the show and head honcho of Robot vs. Dinosaur added, “The great part of the new show is that we’re no longer beholden to the original film script, which is quite horrible and filled with long stretches of just people walking. We also added original music and material because the Great Sea Serpent demanded we beef up his part. He’s quite a diva.”

The Saga of the Viking Women… will challenge all of your preconceived notions of both asylum inmates and buxom berserkers. Catch it Fridays and Saturdays, September 24 - October 23 at 10:30 pm. Stage 773 is at 1225 W. Belmont (the former Theatre Building Chicago).Tickets $15. Call 773-327-5252 or http://www.stage773.org/.

More about Robot vs. Dinosaur: Robot vs. Dinosaur is a writer-centric group with a great deal of experience in the Chicago sketch comedy and improv scene. Their goal is to write and perform original comic material that is eclectic, dynamically staged and fun for audiences. Assembled by Joe Janes, the comic mind behind the 365 Sketches Project, Robot vs. Dinosaur consists of fellow writers Geoff Crump, Susie Gutowski, Rebecca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping and Greg Wendling. More information can be found at http://www.rvdchicago.blogspot.com/.

The Bad Girl's Guide to the Open Road

2010-09-14T13:08:00.008-05:00

I recently enjoyed an 8-hour road trip to New York State with two of my favorite gals. Of course, I packed the essentials: Love Actually, my fav martini glasses, my lip stick collection, tissues for weeping, and all my high-heels (you never know!). And no ladies weekend is complete without your worn out copy of The Bad Girl's Guide to the Open Road.

If you haven't read this life-changing book, here is a bit from the back cover!

(Note: Best when read out loud.)

The road-trip handbook that's strictly AAA – attitude, adventure, and ass-kicking good times!

14 ways to open a beer bottle on your car
Essential drive-by dating hand signals
How to change a flat tire without asking for help
9 non-gun weapons you already own
8 tried-and-true ways to get out of a speeding ticket (you might not even have to cry!)
Everything else you need to know for high-drama, low-budget, safe road tripping
Plus a Bad Girl bumper sticker – stay it loud and proud!

The perfect read-it-before-you-leave, toss-it-in-the-glove compartment, use-it-if-you-run-out-of-toilet-paper handbook, The Bad Girl's Guide to the Open Road is a must-have for any woman with a jones for freedom and adventure. Because sometimes a girl's just gotta go!

Get ready for my next sassy post from this book! How to avoid a DUI!

I am not a tattoo

2010-09-07T16:59:00.007-05:00

Crap For Sale

2010-09-01T08:32:00.003-05:00

So these items were posted For Sale at my work recently. I think the seller was really out of touch in regards to quality and price. Here is what they had, and my thoughts (in red).

Items for Sale

Books

Hardcover -- $5.00 each (okay, $5? Really? If this were a yard sale wouldn’t the going rate be about $1? So these are a 400% mark-up from garage sale prices? (Or maybe it’s 500%, I’m a writer, not a math scholar.)

Murder In Brentwood by Mark Fuhrman (If you don’t already know what happened during the OJ murders—mainly, that OJ murdered his wife—you can find out here. For $5.)

Michael Jackson Unmasked by Ian Halperin (I would pay $5 if Michael would put on a mask.)

The No Spin Zone by Bill O’Reilly (Sheesh.)

Who’s Looking Out For You by Bill O’Reilly (Double Sheesh.)

The Funny Thing Is by Ellen DeGeneres (Finally, a book I would read—no accounting for taste with me. But did you know that as I type this there are 9 available copies in the Chicago Public Library system? And one on audiobook.)

Paperback -- $3.00 each (Once again, I think the pricing is absurd.)

Love, Greg & Lauren by Greg Manning (I cannot in good conscience make fun of this book as it is about someone who was involved in 9/11 attacks (summary here), but would point out that there are 10 copies available in the CPL, none of which is currently checked out, and five or which are available in LARGE PRINT format.)

Culture Warrior by Bill O’Reilly (You know, I’m starting to form a profile of this person.)

Music and DVDs and VHS

CDs

George Strait – Somewhere Down In Texas (CD new, unopened) $8.00 (Hey, only $8 because it’s like, brand new, you know? Only you can get it on Amazon for 7.48, and USED – VERY GOOD for about $4.) (Or just click this link and listen to this for free.)

George Strait – Twang -- $6.00 (Must already be opened. Yep.)

DVD

World Trade Center (2 Disc Commemorative Edition) -- $10.00 (I’m kind of speechless that this is either the only DVD they own or the only one they wanted to get rid of.)

VHS (Okay, really, you think someone wants to buy your old VHS? I had a box of about 50 Disney movies – good stuff, too, like The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – and nobody wanted them. I tried to give them to people with kids, for free, and they looked at me like I was selling them rat poison. I’m just sayin’. And none of these listed below is even in the same ballpark as The Fox and the Hound.)

The Thorn Birds (4 tape set in slip case of the popular mini-series based on novel by Colleen McCullough) $20.00 (Yipes! Priests having sex on VHS for $20? Sounds like really, really bad porn – from the ‘80s – when you say it like that. I like that they included the whole description of how it was a mini-series based on a novel, because it probably helps justify the price in their eyes. You think for only $5 more they throw in the Hardcover? Whattadeal!)

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets (new, unopened) $8.00 (How this was purchased back in 2002? I imagine like this: “Hey guys, look, it’s the new Harry Potter movie on VHS! I can’t wait to get home and watch it in my VCR! I know it’s available on DVD, but come on, that will never catch on! VHS is here to stay! No, you say? Would it sweeten the deal if I offered up popcorn and a viewing of Lord of the Rings on Betamax?”)

The Ten Commandments (40th Anniversary Collector’s Edition, 2 VHS tape set in slip case) $20.00 (This seems like a great deal until you realize you can record this from AMC every Easter onto your own VHS tapes.)

If you are interested in any of these items, let me know and I will contact the seller. A $2 facility fee will be added on to each purchase.

THE Original Saga

2010-08-30T15:52:00.001-05:00

Here it is. The heart of it all. Our first rehearsal of the rmeount is tonight.

Robert Blagojevich Celebrates Dropped Charges By Filming Cialis Commercial

2010-08-27T10:45:00.006-05:00

So the charges against former governor (and hair model) Rod Blagojevich's brother, Robert, have been dropped. As this pictorial from the Chicago Sun-Times reveals, he celebrated by filming a Cialis commercial with his wife, Julie.

Here are just a few of the shots from the filming:

And here are a couple shots that probably won't make it into the commercial:

Love at Comic Con

2010-08-25T11:44:00.003-05:00

I went to my first ever Comic Con this weekend and it was amazing. It's all the fun of Halloween without the pressure of having sex at the end of the night. But who says you can't find love at Comic Con? I almost did.

In addition to sci-fi celebrities (like the "Final Five" cylons from Battlestar Galacatica and Rod Blagojevich) you can also meet and greet your favorite '80's wrestlers. Like my future husband, the Iron Sheik.

My friends wanted to get a picture with his highness the Iron Sheik, but a photo cost $20. So they cleverly decided to take a picture in front of him... but go figure the Iron Sheik's bodyguard shut it down faster than you can say "Boston Crab hold." But as the bodyguard is laying down the law, the Iron Sheik raises his eyebrows at me and gives me the thumbs up. I awkwardly smile back at him and continue to walk by. Then I hear "You're beautiful, baby!" and as I turn, I see the Iron Sheik giving me the thumbs up AGAIN. Two thumbs up, back to back?

Somebody pinch me. Am I in some Hollywood story? Is he the Aragorn (son of Arathorn) to my Arwen? Peter Parker to my Mary Jane? Han Solo to my Chewbacca?

Alas, I was so overcome with arousal that all I could do was smile and keep walking. But even though I walked away from the Iron Sheik that day, he forever put a choke hold on my heart. I don't think it's that crazy. Imagine me and the Iron Sheik re-flooring our master bedroom, riding the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier, and delivering meals-on-wheels to homeless veterans. Honestly, I could see it working out.

Here are a few things me and Iron Sheik would probably talk about:

Pizza toppings
How do handicapped people navigate snowy cities in the winter?
The TV show "Hey Dude"
If we had to choose animals to respresent our personalities, what would they be
Country music celebrity gossip
That video where the dancing woman changes her dresses like 10 times
Types of apples we like (and ones we DON'T like!)
Roller derby

I hope our paths meet again.

Emails I Received

2010-08-25T11:41:00.004-05:00

Possibly Racist/Homophobic Random E-mail I received this week:

From: Billy (name has been changed to protect the guilty)

Subject: funny chinese guys

hey chris,

i can't explain why i thought of you while i was sitting in a meeting with the gayest, most insecure chinese banker on the planet last week, but, well, i thought of you. i think i imagined you working this character into a scene. he was a piece of work if ever there was a piece of work. he appologized incessantly for the most trivial little things. at one point he mis-wrote a digit in my contact number as he was filling-out an application. he proceeded to appologize as though he had just run down my mother in a car.

did i mention that he was really, really gay? that, too was funny because, well, gay guys are funny.

so there you have it. go to work. be gay and chinese. be so gay that people think your chinese because you're squinting so hard trying to be gay.

hope all is well,

Billy

****************************************

A Non-Racist Random E-mail I received this week:

From: My Aunt

Subject: Salmon Wars

Chris.....you forgot to add some chopped onions....I would have voted for your patties. Sorry Mary.

*****************************************

Favorite Email from a Former C0-worker Who Now Lives in Another State:

From: Ricardo (name has been changed to protect the innocent)

Subject: No Subject

I miss me some Chris Othic. There is no one here as funny and good-looking as you are.

*****************************************

If you psychoanalyze these emails I must be gay, Chinese, a bad cook, and awesome.

I'll take it.

Try Not To Dance Even a Little

2010-08-24T09:41:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite things in the ever of existence is when a new song appears and I really like it. There is so much new music I don't like or simply don't care about that when a beacon of musical newness delights my ears and heart I get really excited and must share it. So here it is:

Salmon Wars!

2010-08-19T12:40:00.007-05:00

Well, there comes a time in every marriage when you have to break out of the old rut and try something new. And for Mary and I that something new was me taking her on in a cooking challenge.

Now, for those of you that know Mary, you know that she is a fabulous cook. Me, not so much. But after we got into a heated discussion about, of all things, salmon patties, it was time for me to take her to the proverbial woodshed.

Mary is an elitist when it comes to food, I think. She believes in using high quality, fresh, and simple ingredients and frowns at preservatives and chemically enhanced foods. Well, at some point recently I mentioned that I was in the mood for a salmon patty, and she crinkled her nose.

"What is that about?" I asked.

"Disgusting," she said.

"How can that be, it's just salmon, eggs and crackers. It's fried."

"Salmon from a can?"

"Yep."

"Like I said, disgusting."

Somehow this led to us talking about the virtues of canned salmon and the even better virtues of fresh salmon from the meat counter. I don't know what my point was but it ended up in an old fashioned salmon throwdown this past Tuesday night. It would be my old-fashioned family recipe salmon patties versus Mary's fancy Martha Stewart recipe salmon burgers. I was trying to make a point.

So I went to the store and bought this:

It cost around $5.

Mary, on the other hand, bought this:

Which cost this:

So, if nothing else, my recipe would be cheaper.

I have to say, I did have a couple of secret weapons. One was that I had called my mom and got the low down on how to make these salmon patties, a favorite from my youth. It was pretty easy, she told me, just do this and this and this and this. I was pretty sure I would screw it up. My mom said that was impossible. All Mary had was Martha Stewart, who wouldn't answer her phone calls.

My other secret weapon was this:

This is the pan I have been making popcorn in for the last two years. I've poured so much oil in it that it practically fries your patty for you.

Oh, and one more secret weapon:

My mom always served salmon patties with mac and cheese and creamed peas. I skipped the peas because I never really liked them and I'm an adult and I don't have to eat them and I will have a cookie and spoil my dinner if I want thankyouverymuch.

Mary had some secret weapons of her own:

Those would be a tartar sauce (yucky) that she made and also some pickled onions (double yucky) that she also made. If she hadn't purchased some Ore Ida french fries I would accuse her of showing off.

Once I got home from work the battle began. Mary cubed her salmon and blended it in the food processor (sorry, no pictures). The she delicately formed her burgers, after first consulting ME to get an estimate of "how long is three inches." Insert your own penis humor here, please.

I have to admit, they looked pretty good when it was all said and done:

The burgers weren't just salmon, they had some lime zest and juice in them, too. Like I said, fancy.

I forgot to take pics of me making my salmon (plus my hands were pretty messy) but I basically opened the can, took out the bones (Mary: "Gross!"), added two eggs and some cracker crumbs, then blended it up until it was "sticky." Then I masturfully formed some patties and popped them into the secret weapon with a little vegetable oil. Don't they have a perfect golden brown color?

Mary started hers as well. They didn't look nearly as tasty as mine.

And here is a side-by-side action shot of me kicking her ass:

While they were frying, we prepped our plating area. These are Mary's buns (pun intended):

And here is my beautiful plate with some lettuce stuff that Mary told me would make everything look beautiful.

Mary was nothing but helpful whereas I talked trash the whole time and tried to make her forget that her buns were in the broiler (which didn't work). I think I had more at stake than she did, like, my family pride.

When the patties/burgers were done, we plated them up. I added some more green vegetable leafy stuff that I chopped up to give my plate even more pizazz, and of course added the mac and cheese. This is probably what heaven looks like when you sit down for your first meal:

Mary plated hers as well. It looked okay, I mean, for a bunch of sandwiches.

Then we presented the plates to our esteemed judges (yep, we had judges, wouldn't be a salmon war without judges).

This is Don Loukota. His qualifications for being a salmon war judge are that he is our friend and he likes food. You can't tell from the picture but he also has a great ass (his words, not mine) that he could not stop talking about all night.

Our other esteemed judge was Elizabeth Drury. Her qualifications for being a salmon war judge are that she is our friend and she likes wine. She didn't not mention having a fine ass at the judge's table, and was a very cordial guest indeed.

Here are the judges saying something intellegent about salmon:

When all was said and done, they announced the winner, because of it's "complex flavors":

Pickled onions are complex flavors? Bleeeeecch!

Oh, well, at least I got Second Place--downgraded for "dryness and salmony tasting"! What did they expect. It's called a salmon patty, for cry pee sake!

I won the award for best side dish, though.

So there you have it. Mary 1, Chris 0.

I did have a salmon patty for lunch today.

The End

Pop Quiz!

2010-08-16T16:08:00.000-05:00

From the world of Michigan politics!

Q: What is the most appropriate method of engaging in political discourse with a United States Senator?

(a) Engaging in vigorous, respectful debate.
(b) Spewing foamy spittle at the Senator as you blather irrationally about something angry.
(c) Throw a pie in the Senator's face.

A: Clown it on down!

Don't you touch my Medicare.

God Bless America!

How would I murder Becca Levine? I'm glad you asked...

2010-08-11T13:47:00.008-05:00

At least once a week, I invite fellow RvD writer, Becca Levine, to hang out. But try as I might to organize sushi dinners, beach hang outs, etc, she always has an excuse. In fact, last night she said, "I can't. I'm getting dinner with my landlord."

Are you kidding me? Is this the beginning of a '90's horror movie starring Nev Campbell? First he asks you to dinner, then when you show up, he impales you with a shovel, puts your body in the trash incinerator, and uses your ashes to fertilize the garden.

And yet, to Becca, an evening that potentially ends in cremation is still more appealing than us two ladies drinking margaritas on a patio of a Mexican restaurant and playing "Marry, Fuck, Kill" with the men of RvD (always KILL Greg Wendling).

Well, I won't stand for second place to the landlord. You've left me no other choice. I must murder you, Becca Levine.

Since Becca loves art - she sells it for a living - here are some ideas I've been toying with, any one of which would be a great way to murder Becca (click to enlarge):

YOU DID THIS TO YOU, BECCA.

Catching Up

2010-08-05T06:51:00.003-05:00

Blog? Blog... is that you? Oh my God, it is you! How have you been?! Wow, it's so great to see you. God, how long has it been.

Yeah yeah, at least a month or two. You look good. You've lost weight?

Well it looks like you have. What have you been up to?

Yeah, Chris can get a little creepy. Me? Well I've been looking for a job and doing auditions. Me and Nat, you know - my friend from Robot vs Dinosaur? Right. We've been doing a side project named Crassus. That has been going well. And ummmmm... yeah. You know, same old same old. Ha ha ha.

...

...

Have you seen Inception? Loved it. Really well done. It's really mind bending but not so much that you get lost in the plot or anything. So... really good..

...

...

...

I did see that on the news. Yeah, it's great they got him out of jail. 5 years for a crime he never committed, I can't imagine.

Yeah totally. Add on at least another 10 years if that was the case.

...

...

...

Soooooooo....

That's right! We should totally do that again real soon. I.. am.. Pepper... Dennis.. Robot. Ha ha ha ha ha. Anyway....

Sure. Yeah, why don't you give me a call?

Yeah, before Mike moves.

Oh you didn't know he was moving? Yeah, to L A at the end of the month.

Sure, sure.

Anyway.... Yeah. Great seeing you too. Call Me.

Ok.

Bye Bye.

CALL ME!

What does your sleep position say about you?

2010-08-04T11:36:00.006-05:00

I recently became addicted to the TV show "Lie to Me," a TV show about a man who figures out crimes by reading subtle facial expressions and body language. He is often enlisted by the FBI to interview suspects, but he also takes on non-crime related tasks - in one episode a very rich man wanted to know if his wife loved him for himself or his money. It's like CSI meets the Davinci Code.

So I've been fascinated by the idea of what our bodies give away about ourselves. And one interesting thing I found is that how we sleep says something about us! According to the Internet, there are essentially 6 different sleep positions with distinct personality characteristics:

Fetal Position (41%) Curled up on your side. Women are twice as likely to rest like this and it is listed as the most common position. These sleepers are said to have a tough exterior but are still sensitive and may appear to be shy but warm up quickly.

Log Position (15%) On your side with legs outstretched and arms at your sides. If you sleep on your side with both arms down, you are a social, easy-going person who is trusting, sometimes to the point of being gullible.

Yearner Position (13%) Similar to the log, but with arms outstretched. A close third is the side-lying position with both arms out in front of the body, with 13% of partipants sleeping like this. Yearners are noted to be open-minded and still cynical, suspicious, and stubborn about sticking to decisions once they are made.

Soldier Position (8%) Flat on your back with arms at your sides. These sleepers lie on their backs with arms down and kept close to the body. This 8% study is said to be reserved, quiet, without fuss, and hold themselves and others to a high standard.

Freefall Position (7%) Flat on your stomach with arms at the head or ears. Those people who lie on their bellies with arms under or wrapped around a pillow with head turned to the side, make up 7% of the population studied. Freefallers are brash, outgoing, and are very uncomfortable with criticism.

Starfish Position (5%) Lying on your back with arms and legs outstretched. These people are good listeners, helpful, and are uncomfortable being the center of attention.

For those of you who haven't slept with me, I spend most of my night curled up in the fetal position like an adorable hedgehog or velociraptor tightly clutching a nest of eggs. But I can't fall asleep in that position. I can only fall asleep on my back (a la "soldier" or "starfish"). But it's not really either one of these because I can't sleep with my arms down at my sides or over my head. Instead, they are comfortably resting on my chest. It is clear to me that they have left out an important segment of sleepers: the mummy vampires.

Mummy vampire (1%) Lying on your back with arms covering your heart. Indicates a trustworthy and faithful corpse. He or she makes friends easily, but will let few into the inner circle. Sensitive, introspective and likely to drink your blood for sexual arousal.

What else has the Internet missed?

Geoff and Nat: CORNHOLE KINGS!

2010-08-02T11:58:00.000-05:00

*These guys love to cornhole*

The following is a 100% true and factual account of the cornholing that took place on Saturday afternoon at the RvD barbeque.

For those who are unaware, cornhole (also known as bags, beanbags, beanbag hole, sack hole, sack bags and corn sack hole bag) is a game in which you set up two boards with holes in the middle a certain distance apart and then you try to throw sacks (filled with corn or some other bean-type object) through those holes.

I had never played cornhole before in my life but apparently I’m a natural at it, as Geoff and I found out when we went completely undefeated through the entire afternoon.

Perhaps the most epic games were played against the Chris Othic / Becca Levine team, which lost every game to Geoff and Nat. Every single game. Regardless of this complete and total domination, Chris Othic kept shouting “rematch starts now!” at the end of every Nat and Geoff victory and, out of love for cornhole and a love of competition, Geoff and Nat continued to offer Chris and Becca an opportunity to win even one single solitary game.

It was embarrassing. But fun was had anyway, even if Chris Othic and Becca Levine never won a single game against Nat and Geoff.

No, not a single game.

All of these things happened, are 100% factual and not at all the complete opposite of what actually occurred.

Let this be committed for all time to the annals of history.

Whooping Cough - Not Quite As Awesome As It Sounds

2010-07-30T11:31:00.005-05:00

Take it from me. I have it. Or at least I probably have it. I was told on Tuesday by my doctor that my symptoms are classic. Don't worry, you can't catch it from me at this point. I'm no longer contagious, I'm just carrying around the symptoms. They're really annoying.

Symptoms include:

Sporadic coughing fits
Difficulty breathing after coughing, sometimes resulting in "whooping" sound
Extreme cases may result in vomiting and appearance of 1860's top hat on head in men, or full-skirted hoop dresses in women

The immunization for this disease, was developed in 1920 at Evanston Hospital in Chicago, IL. Unfortunately it only lasts a few years, but that makes it effective enough to get you through childhood, which is when this affliction is most dangerous.

As literally every single one of you know, I collect diseases from times gone by. I've already had:

Whooping cough
Catarrh
The Oh-My-Lordies

Next up on my list to get:

Hot Mess (Trannygraphis Runwayata)
The Ague
The Consumption
The Vapors

Robot vs. Dinosaur presents Vikings vs. Sea Serpents - TONIGHT!

2010-07-29T09:49:00.001-05:00

A mashup between Roger Corman's "Viking Women and the Sea Serpent" and Peter Weiss' play "Marat/Sade", tonight at 8pm.Tickets are $10, $8 for students with ID and repeat customers. Neo-Futurarium: 5153 N. Ashland at Foster. (773) 275-5255

More Not So Great Second Lines of Novels

2010-07-28T11:00:00.004-05:00

Last year I wrote about the Not So Great Second Lines of Novels. Well, here we go again.

Below are what many consider to be some of the greatest first lines of novels. I have scoured libraries across the world, looking through many texts and author notes, and discovered that in most cases, the second line was even better. (Although, for unknown reasons these lines were never actually published, probably because they towered over and thusly diminished the author’s supposed great first line.) Here are a few:

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. My unhappy family is unhappy in the way that Uncle Leo sits in the corner, staring at his teen aged nieces with hungry eyes whilst drinking mead from a wineskin bag, rubbing the palms of his hands together and making lewd comments before asking if anyone wants to be tickled. - Leo Tolstoy (trans. Constance Garnett), Anna Karenina, 1877

The sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new. And the nothing new was me lying in the front lawn once again wondering about the whereabouts of my pants? - Samuel Beckett, Murphy, 1938

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. Because I really have to take a whizz. - J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1951

It was a wrong number that started it, the telephone ringing three times in the dead of night, and the voice on the other end asking for someone he was not. After a bit of confusion, the caller posed the question “Would you like to save money on your phone bill by switching to MCI?”
-Paul Auster, City of Glass, 1985

Somewhere in la Mancha, in a place whose name I do not care to remember, a gentleman lived not long ago, one of those who has a lance and ancient shield on a shelf and keeps a skinny nag and a greyhound for racing. He also has a bunch of really good nudie magazines out back in his tool shed. - Miguel de Cervantes (trans. Edith Grossman), Don Quixote, 1605

The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. Which you would think means it was staticky and gray, but in actuality it was a deep, neon blue, because the television was hooked up by a coaxial cable to a VCR that had been left on channel three when it should have been tuned to channel four. - William Gibson, Neuromancer, 1984

In a sense, I am Jacob Horner. In another sense, I am wearing Mrs. Horner’s undergarments.
- John Barth, The End of the Road, 1958

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself. She also muttered “Fuck me, these are some expensive flowers.” - Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway, 1925

All this happened, more or less. Except for the part where I bragged about having a ménage à trois with two airline stewardesses, which was a complete fabrication. - Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five, 1969

I had the story, bit by bit, from various people, and, as generally happens in such cases, each time it was a different story. But even in the most egregious telephone game I do not for the life of me know how “Edith was sleeping with the butler” turned into “The butler was eating Edith’s sheep.” - Edith Wharton, Ethan Frome, 1911

He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish. Then he switched from the common angle worm to white grubs and it was like the fish were just jumping into the boat. - Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea, 1952

I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974. Anything to get out of Detroit.* - Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex, 2002

It was a pleasure to burn. It was also a pleasure to rub my crotch feverishly when I thought no one would notice. - Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451, 1953

I was born in the Year 1632, in the City of York, of a good Family, tho' not of that Country, my Father being a Foreigner of Bremen, who settled first at Hull; He got a good Estate by Merchandise, and leaving off his Trade, lived afterward at York, from whence he had married my Mother, whose Relations were named Robinson, a very good Family in that Country, and from whom I was called Robinson Kreutznaer; but by the usual Corruption of Words in England, we are now called, nay we call our selves, and write our Name Crusoe, and so my Companions always call'd me. And if this be your bookclub selection, you are now truly fuck'd. - Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe, 1719

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since. When he said, “Shit on me once, and it’s your fault; shit on me twice, and it’s my fault; shit on me a third time, and now we’re getting kinky,” I think he was talking about being in a bad relationship, or he had just come back from the brothel or perhaps he must have been drinking quite heavily, probably all three. - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby, 1925

In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains. It was a spectacular view but the rent was a little more than we could responsibly afford and thus we maxed out our credit cards going into the fall. - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929

* For Nat.

Inception Actually Is Worth Seeing

2010-07-26T12:52:00.001-05:00

Well, somebody has to write something on the blog and it may as well be me. Commence bloggery:

You know how there's that movie every summer that everyone's talking about? And everyone is saying how good it is? And how everyone should see that movie? And how that movie will change cinema forever and how freaking great that movie is and how everyone is going to go see it eighteen times in the theatre?

And because everyone is talking about it, you get so jazzed about seeing it? And then you finally go to the theatre - you make an event out of it, you get the gigantic popcorn/soda combination and the Snow Caps - and you sit down in a crowded theatre and wait patiently through the commercials that have infested the preshow, and then you make it through the previews?

And then the movie happens and then the credits roll and then you think to yourself 'meh?'

Or you think "Yeah I know it was a fully generated fantasty world filled with hot blue aliens, but the story is kind of a knock off of 'Dances With Wolves, isn't it?"

Or even worse, you think "I know a gigantic ship just sunk and that this kind of technical mastery has never before been seen on the big screen, but damn it 'Titanic' kind of sucked and is it okay for me to say that in public?"

Well luckily for you Inception is an instance where it's actually a really good movie, and is actually worth you seeing.

I saw it on Saturday night. It was great. I highly recommend that you go see it. In fact, I recommend you finding the biggest screen you can, plopping yourself down and watching it as soon as you find yourself in the mood for some movie.

It's a long movie, filled with explosions, trippy special effects, a complex but interesting plot, and Leonardo DiCaprio not trying to do an accent. What more do you want?

What The Cubs Really Need Is Me

2010-07-21T12:05:00.005-05:00

Now that the Cubs have finally turned Lou Pinella into an old man, I would like to throw my hat in the ring to be their new manager. I don’t have a lot of qualifications but I did play high school baseball , leading the team in homeruns both my sophomore (2 taters) and junior (1 dinger) years and I also led the team in stolen bases (can’t remember) and was one of only about three players smart enough to wear a cup during most of the games.

What I can really bring to the table is some interesting strategies I learned from playing eight seasons of 16-inch co-ed softball. In those eight seasons, my teams won three championships, some second and third places and I even have one of those “participant” statues on my desk. It’s a little gold guy in a batting stance but if you ask me he was probably not very good because his batting stance is horrible, the bat is perpendicular to the ground and he doesn’t have enough weight on his back foot for my liking. Anyway, between my keen eye for statues with horrible batting stances and my handful of trophies, I think I’m the proven winner the Cubs need to get them out of their 100+ year slump.

Here are a few strategies I’ve learned that I would use if I was managing the Cubs:

Strategy 1. Put the best player as the lead off hitter and as the left fielder. I was the leadoff hitter for most of the years I played softball, and I also played left field. I assume they did this because I was the best player. So I would do this in the major leagues. Since the Cubs do not have anyone you could consider to be the best player, they should trade for Albert Pujols and make him play left field, which leads me to my next strategy.

Strategy 2. Trade for Albert Pujols. He is really good, and if he was on my co-ed softball team he would have batted first. And then I would bat second, except for the fact that a girl had to bat second, because it was co-ed and we had to bat guy, girl, guy, girl, etc. But in the major leagues there are no women players (even though there are some Japanese players and also some of the Cubs bat like girls), so you don’t have to worry about this. So just get Albert Pujols, bat him leadoff and make him play left field and start counting those championships.

Strategy 3. Make Carlos Zambrano play first base. On my softball team, no one wanted to play first base, so if you made the coach mad he or she would sometimes make you play first base as punishment. At the very least they should make Carlos have to bring a 12-pack of beer to every game, because if a player is being a pain in the ass in a softball league, they have to bring at least a 12-pack of beer to each game or nobody will put up with them. And if Carlos brings something cheap and crappy like Keystone you should break his balls for it and make him bring something better next time.

Strategy 4. Take down the outfield walls at Wrigley Field. When we played softball at Grant Park, there were no outfield walls. If you hit the ball through the outfield it would just keep rolling and rolling for an easy home run. I see the Cubs hit lots of balls off of the ivy, or balls that roll all the way to the ivy that end up as doubles instead of homers. If you took those walls down, the outfielders would have to chase the ball a long way down the street and it would be an easy home run. Also, when the other team comes up to bat, you can put the walls back up to make it harder for them to hit those rolling homeruns. Someone will have to invent this technology, though. I bet if we traded for Albert Pujols he could invent it. Albert Pujols can do anything.

Strategy 5. Use aluminum bats. I hit all of my home runs in high school when I switched from wooden bats to aluminum and I exclusively used aluminum bats in softball because you can hit the ball farther. I think if the Cubs switched to aluminum bats, they would hit a lot more home runs. This would be true whether or not we used Strategy 4. Aluminum bats are more expensive, but this is offset by the fact that they last a lot longer than wooden bats.

Strategy 6. When a fat player gets on base, have them pretend they are hurt. When a fat player in softball gets on base, you usually tell them to fake that they are hurt, and then the last person to make an out can come in and run for them. Hopefully this is someone fast and skinny. This strategy might back fire if you have too many fat players on your team as sometimes a fat player will fake an injury and then an even fatter player was the one to make the last out. Then you kind of go “well, we screwed ourselves on that maneuver.” But I think in the major leagues you could expect the fat players to kind of keep track of who made the last out, and if that player is fatter than they are then they should not fake an injury in that instance. I mean, come on, it’s the major leagues and the players should know a little bit about strategy. As the manager of the Cubs I would also try to keep up on this, and if say, Gio Soto got on base I might yell out “Hey, don’t fake an injury, Zambrano made the last out and he’s fatter than you are.” I would also tell Zambrano to fake an injury every time he got on base. Because he’s fat.

Strategy 7. My last, and most important strategy: Use 10 players in the field. In softball you can have 10 players in the field, and we usually went with 4 outfielders when a guy was batting and then we moved that extra fielder to the infield when a girl was batting. If I was managing the Cubs, I would use 10 players in the field and give them a huge advantage over the teams that are just using 9 players. I would put that extra fielder in the outfield on all batters except for when the opposing team’s pitcher or a Japanese player is batting. More than any strategy, I find this one to be the most useful.

So there you go. Please forward these strategies to the Ricketts family. I will be waiting for their call.

Bonus Strategy: Buy the Miami Heat and the NBA. If none of these strategies seem to work, I would just buy the Miami Heat, move them to Chicago, and change their name to the Chicago Cubs. Then I would buy the NBA and change their name to MLB. This would be really expensive, but should be good for at least 3 or 4 championships right there.

In Other News

2010-07-15T16:05:00.003-05:00

BP says oil from its broken well has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since April.

Company officials think that the new cap they placed over the busted well has stopped the spill.

In other news, I'm pretty sure that the oil that was in the well is now just out of the well and into the Gulf of Mexico. The cap had nothing to do with it. The well is empty.

I won't believe any other explanation until this cap inevitably breaks and more oil starts leaking into the Gulf of Mexico.

Photo courtesy of James Cameron.

Latest Dispatch from The Saga of the Viking Women

2010-07-14T08:28:00.003-05:00

In 1957, Roger Corman had an extra few minutes and directed "The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent" on his way from the studio cafeteria to the john. And it's a gem. One of the best bad movies I have ever seen. Roger Corman is the master of filler. He had a slight script and padded it with "action" that does nothing to forward the story and there's lots of walking. Lots of walking. Without dialogue. I transcribed the film myself. The total numbers of pages... 28. The film is already only 65 minutes, made for the discerning drive-in double feature crowd. So, in order to do my own spin on padding, I mashed the story with a play informally called "Marat/Sade" about a play performed in an insane asylum under the direction of the Marquis de Sade. Swap out the Marquis, insert the serpent, which takes up less than a minute of screen time in the movie, and we got something cooking. I also know Nat, the title character, as an excellent comic song writer. So, another way to pad the show... ask Nat to write and perform a song as the sea serpent. This is the one totally original piece in the show, not taken from the play or from the film, and it's my favorite moment. The bad guys in the film revere the serpent as a god while the vikings regard him as a horrible sea monster. Sadly, he's just misunderstood.

Robot vs. Dinosaurs vs. Vikings!

2010-07-08T09:07:00.004-05:00

Part of Film Fest IX: The Perils of the Neo-Futurarium!

The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Great Sea Serpent)

A unique first for the Film Fest, Chicago comedy scene stalwart Joe Janes (Robot vs. Dinosaur, WNEP, 365 Sketches) takes Roger Corman’s 1957 babespoitation fantasy about Viking women and mashes it together with the famous 1963 Peter Weiss play best known as Marat/Sade, directed by the Great Sea Serpent. A metatheatrical feast of lust, betrayal, and the struggle of all human beings to overcome the suffering of being alive, this Film Fest presentation will challenge all of your preconceived notions of both asylum inmates and buxom berserkers.

Featuring: Susie Gutowski, Becca Levine, Spencer McCurnin, Erin Morrill, Nick Cutelli, Emme Williams, Wolfgang Stein, Mike Newquist, Patrick Kelly, Alex Farrington, Sami Hatch, Nat Topping, Geoff Crump, and Lila Collins

Assistant Director: Rinska Prestinary

Tickets are $10 and can be purchased on-line at http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/116407

Be Right Back . . .

2010-07-07T14:16:00.003-05:00

Well posting on the old Roboblog has been pretty abysmal over the last week, and today's schedule doesn't make it appear as if yours truly will break the pattern.

So, instead of doing nothing, I give you: A Dick Joke A Day For A Week.

If you haven't read it, it's the shortest (like my dick) blog that you will ever enjoy (also like my dick).

And if you have read it, well, you know what you're getting (most likely a venereal disease).

Enjoy.

(And would somebody please at least post about the Viking Women or something? Could it be that the entire RvD writing staff is busy watching reruns of their favorite show, Two and a Half Men?)

The Ten Dollar Millionaire

2010-06-30T07:19:00.005-05:00

I went to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. for dinner the other night, at my visiting nieces' request, and did something I have never done before but will probably do again.

I bribed the hostess so we could get a seat faster.

We had tickets to Fuerza Bruta at 10 p.m. (go check it out if you can, great, great show, visually exciting, unlike anything you have seen before) and it was almost 8 when we got to Bubba Gump, so we were pressed for time. The hostess told us 45 minutes to an hour wait. So we put our names in and wandered off, dazed and confused, a bunch of bewildered dummies surprised that there would be a 45 minute wait for a crappy shrimp dinner on Navy Pier on a Saturday night.

A few minutes later it hit me: I can get us a table. I had read an article in Esquire about using $20 to get you whatever you want, so of course I decided a ten ought to do it for the hostess at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

I walked up to her, and asked "How much more time for Mary, party of four?" As she glanced down at her book, I casually waved the folded up ten where she could see it but the gaggle of tourists behind me could not. She stared at me dumbfounded for what seemed like a minute, then turned to her co-hostess and whispered something. Then she looked back at me and said "I can seat you in 10-15 minutes." I eyeballed her like the huckster I was and said, casually (the way Chuck Norris might if he were bribing an Bubba Gump Shrimp employee) "Sure, ten minutes would be great. I'll be right over there." Over there being a nearby trash can. I hovered there, feeling like James Bond, always in view of the hostess, wondering if this was a good or bad example to set for my visiting nieces whose young minds may be influenced by my morally questionable actions. I think they thought it was funny.

Seven minutes later another hosty person seated us. I slipped him a fiver for good measure in the old fashioned way of bribing, palm to palm, disguised as a handshake. It was a thing of beauty. I felt like I was in an episode of The Wire.

And that crappy shrimp dinner tasted better than I ever imagined. I feel like I have a new-found power. I can get a seat at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. any time I want.

Post Show Glow

2010-06-28T11:44:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, 12 Angry Sketches wrapped up last Friday and, like all sketch shows of the past, now lives on only in our memories.

I love doing shows at the Skybox – they have actual lights and sound, and an actual stage, with actual entrances, and with actual backstage space for the actors and everything – but it’s kind of a shame when you are limited to one show a week for four weeks. It feels like you’ve just finally got up to steam before you’re packing a bunch of babies and hats into the back of your car and then running off for beer and cobbler pie.

A match made in heaven, my friends.

Brevity of the run notwithstanding, we had some good shows with some wonderful audiences and some excellent performers – many of whom we were working with for the first time on this little shindig – and got to perform some really silly stuff.

Some personal favorite moments:

Getting to shout at a bunch of dogs.
Hearing from audiences how much they loved the ‘Diversity Street’ song and dance number.
The lines heading into and out of the Cronlon scene (‘telegram for Mr. Cronlon’), just for their sheer ridiculousness.
Getting away with some horribly offensive lines by giving them to one Erin Morrill, who I’m convinced can get away with saying anything.
Seeing Greg Wendling in a dress, a sight which still haunts my dreams (fantasies).

We here at RvD have a one-night-only performance of ‘The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent, as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Great Sea Serpent’ to look forward to on July 29th. Other than that, it’s back to the writer’s room for us for our Fall show. Stay tuned, Dinobots, for more info, and thanks to everyone who came out for 12 Angry Sketches!

15,000 Lines and Amanda Bynes

2010-06-23T13:45:00.003-05:00

I was going to post today about Amanda Bynes retiring from acting. I was going to write something witty about how I was retiring from various things I do not love, like drinking Keystone Light, geocaching, anything to do with soccer, eating artichokes and reading my current boring book club book, The Condition, by Jennifer Haigh.

But I have a 15,000 line spreadsheet hidden on my monitor right behind this window, and it calls my name.

So, in short: who is Amanda Bynes?

Love Bath

2010-06-21T11:14:00.000-05:00

What gets me in the mood for Monday? I'm glad you asked.

Every Monday morning, I take a Love Bath.

Oooh yeah. Let's get the work week started, baby.

Super Psyched

2010-06-17T13:12:00.003-05:00

Now that 365 has wrapped up, I finally get to see the new RvD show, 12 Angry Sketches. I forgot what an awesome cast we had assembled. Here there are, in all their awesomnity.

Nora Broz
Nick Cutelli
Chloe Ditzel
Mike Dobbyn
Mel Evans
Dean Gibbs
Susie Gutowski
Dustin Levell
Becca Levine
Erin Morrill
Nat Topping
Greg Wendling
Doug Werder

12 Angry Sketches runs at DONNY’S SKYBOX, Friday’s at 9 p.m. til June 25.

Call the Second City Box Office at 312-337-3992 or go to www.secondcity.com/training/chicago/performances

$12, $10 for students.

Dramatic Chipmunk

2010-06-16T15:47:00.003-05:00

I have spent hours writing scenes that don't get nearly the laughs that this chipmunk is able to induce in only 5 seconds.

The Rain Falls On

2010-06-15T11:24:00.006-05:00

Well, after a long bout with cancer, my dad, Carl Elliott, passed away today. He was 68 years old.

He was technically my step dad, so I can't say that I got my stunning good looks from him, or my glorious bald spot, but he raised me since I was five and over the course of my life I think I ended up with his demeanor. He was easy-going, friendly, and never got too worked up over anything, which I think are the best parts of me as well.

As a comedy writer, it's tough to try and strike the right chord between somber and funny. I have tap-danced around that line a lot over the past few weeks, even around my dad. He always laughed at my jokes, which is why I loved him.

And for those of you that are into inside jokes, here are two:

One is, my mom made meatloaf for dinner last night.

Two is, it was raining today at the time of my father's passing.

And you know what they say . . .

Congratulations Are In Order...

2010-06-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

...to one Mr. Joe Janes for completion of his 365 Sketches project. Here is Joe, on the right, in a t-shirt featuring the outline of his head and glasses.

Talking to Joe while he's wearing this shirt is a strange experience. I don't know where to look. Do I look at actual Joe or outline Joe?

Writing 365 Sketches was a monumental accomplishment. Producing them was also a monumental accomplishment. And now, you can have a monumentally sized book with all 365 sketches by clicking here. It is the funniest collection of outhouse paper you've ever owned!

I kid. Naturally. Who uses an outhouse anymore?

If I had my druthers, that t-shirt would be for sale too. I would wear it to bed everynight. Yes, that's creepy. But it's true.

So, now that that show is over, we have 12 Angry Sketches to occupy your plugging needs! We basically sold out this last Friday, and there are only two Fridays left, so get your tickets now.

AND, we're gonna be performing at the Neo-Futurists come July 29th for Film Fest IX: The Perils of the Neo-Futurarium. More information to follow as we get closer, but we will be performing:

The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent )as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Great Sea Serpent)

So we all have that to look forward to. Hooray shows!

365 Sketches - We Did It!

2010-06-10T13:00:00.008-05:00

Well, it was a little rough around the edges, but we made it through our 365 show last night, all in one piece.

I had a blast, from beginning to end, working with a super fun cast and bringing Joe's words to life, or at least something that closely resembled it. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat--which is only slightly longer than Nat had to perform "Still Life" when a music snafu made our three and a half minute scene into about a minute and half. I love live theater.

Here are some fun pics of the show that were originally posted here by Don Hall over at the 365 Sketches Blog. (Which reminds me, there are still four more nights of shows! Go see some by clicking here to get your tickets.)

Geoff Crump laments sending an email in all caps to the entire office in "Stop SHOUTING." From left to right: Geoff Crump, Mackenzie Yeager, Mike Bauman, Becca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping.

Nat Topping shares a "funny" idea with his sketch comedy writing class in "A Thing I Wrote." From left to right: Mike Bauman, Chris Othic, Becca Levine, Geoff Crump, Nat Topping and Mackenzie Yeager.

Becca Levine smokes a pipe in the background as Geoff Crump tells why his "Unicorn" is better than Mackenzie Yeager's "Clap" in "The Unicorn and the Vengeance."

Geoff Crump and King Kong (Tamara Raphaeli) fail to impress a tough crowd in "The Eighth Wonder of the World."

My awards (which will probably mean nothing to you if you didn't see the show), as follows (and based on some stuff I heard from others after the show):

Best Line Not Written By Joe Janes: Geoff Crump - "Let me put my shirt back on!"
Castmember Who Seemed to Be Having the Most Fun: Mackenzie Yeager and her imaginary suit of armor in "The Unicorn and the Vengeance"
Best Display of A King Kong Rampage If King Kong Was Blind: Tamara Raphaeli
Best Transition Music of All Time That Should Have Been 30-45 Seconds Longer: Going into "The Eighth Wonder of the World" (A Very Short Night On Bald Mountain)
Best Scene That Should Have Been 3 Minutes Longer: "Still Life"
Biggest Surprise: We somehow actually sang Joe's clunky ass lyrics to "A Gospel Song For Atheists" and the audience loved it
Worst English Accent: Still Kevin Kostner in 1991's "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"
Second Worst English Accent: Chris Othic in "The Curse of The Speckled Bullet"

I'm sure there are other awards to give that are too numerous to mention. And as a word of advice, I would tell anyone that ever considered directing and also acting in a sketch show that if you don't get yourself an assistant director from day one you are an idiot.

All in all, it was a great thrill. I want to thank my great cast, Tamara Raphaeli for stepping in at the last minute to help assistant direct and be the gorilla wrangler, Joe for writing the show, Don Hall for his superb producing skills, and Jess McCloud for stage managing under some insane circumstances.

This whole experience was like eating the finest meal at Skarki's. And when we carried off the Stanley Cup at the end, it was glorious. Totally glorious.

365 Sketches - RvD Show Tonight!

2010-06-08T10:53:00.007-05:00

Tonight RvD will make their contribution to Joe's 365 Sketches festival when we present "A Thing I Wrote" (on a double-bill with "Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Treadmill") starting at 8 p.m. Get your tickets here.

Back in January of this year, as Joe was wrapping up the project, us fine folks at RvD thought we would like to present Joe with a special gift. So in keeping with the spirit of his project, we decided to write a scene about how it all began. We called it "Day Zero."

Here are a few interesting tidbits I thought you might like to hear about before I post the scene below.

We wrote this in a round-robin style: one writer started and wrote a beat, then emailed it to the next, and so on. I think this scene feels pretty seamless but you might try to figure out where one beat ends and a new one begins. Even we aren't sure at this point.
The opening line of the scene and the closing are more or less what Joe wrote to open scene 1 and close scene 365 of his project.
There are a few references here and there to other scenes Joe wrote throughout the year.
There is a special guest star, whom I won't reveal here, but it was fun to ridicule them.
Yes, Joe is ridiculed endlessly.
The "Fearinator" sequence is actually a riff on Joe's post titled "TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD PLEASE STOP DOING IN YOUR SKETCH REVUE - NOW!!!" You should read it. Really.

And so now, without further ado, Robot vs. Dinsaur presents: "365 Sketches - Day Zero." (Please forgive the formatting of this scene as my meager blogging skills could not live up to the task of making it look presentable.)

“365 SKETCHES - DAY ZERO”

Not Written by Joe Janes
1/19/2010
0 of 365

CAST
MR. WILLIAMS
JOE JANES
CRAZY MAN
WOMAN/SUZAN-LORI PARKS
BRET
TAMMY
BOB
TOM
SHERRY
MAN IN A CHICKEN SUIT

(Lights up on Joe Janes in his office cubicle. He is packing stuff from his desk into a cardboard box previously used to store reams of paper. He looks sad. Mr. Williams enters carrying a thick, but not cumbersome, stack of files. The top file is in a very colorful, recognizable folder while the others are a drab manila. As they talk, Mr. Williams is only half-listening as he sits at Joe’s old desk and reads through the files.)

MR. WILLIAMS
Janes?

(Joe bucks up and feigns happiness.)

JOE
Yes, Mr. Williams?

MR.WILLIAMS
How are we doing?

JOE
No complaints, Mr. Williams! This lay off couldn’t have come at a more opportune time. It’s the perfect excuse to get out there and do the things I’ve been too busy to do.

MR. WILLIAMS
What will you be doing with your time?

JOE
I--I don’t--

MR. WILLIAMS
You mentioned the things you’ve been too busy to do. Like what?

(Joe is stumped. He looks worried.)

MR. WILLIAMS
Well, not to worry. I’m sure you’ll think of something. Say, here’s an interesting file. “Roger Casey found dead in his home after writing 364th sketch.” You write funny little skits sometimes, don’t you? You ever hear of this guy?

(Joe is still in his own world.)

MR. WILLIAMS
Well this is the fourth pathetic little clown this week who attempted to write a sketch a day for one year that’s been found dead. All of them on Day 364. They should just stop trying. But I suppose you theatre types--resilient spirits and all. Anyway. Say, Joe, I’m very busy today. As a final favor, will you finish these files for me before you go?

JOE
Sure.

MR. WILLIAMS gets up.

MR. WILLIAMS
Well, I guess this is it for us, eh? Look, I’ve, uh, never been good at saying goodbye. So fuck you.

MR. WILLIAMS leaves abruptly. JOE pushes the stack of files onto the floor, sending paper flying everywhere. The colorful folder is still intact and it catches his eye. He opens it and looks inside. It contains:

JOE
A pen, a notepad and a Starbucks gift card? I see what’s going on here. Williams is trying to challenge me! Well, I’ll show that asshole! No one challenges Joe Janes to a possibly death defying task. I can write 365 sketches in a year! Hell, I’ve gone without sex for longer than that.

(We hear a rimshot. Joe pauses, as if he heard it but doesn’t know what it was.)

JOE
I mean, I could really make my mark. I could write 365 sketches, and they would be good sketches too, not cliché ridden crap like everyone else is doing. Hell, it might even get me laid!

(We hear a sad trombone. Joe definitely hears it this time.)

JOE
What is that? Who’s there?

(We hear the Porky Pig ending to Warner Brothers cartoons. (“Ba dee, ba dee, ba dee, that’s all folks”!) And then another comic sound effect.)

JOE
I don’t know what you’re game is, but (he picks up a stapler) I’ve got a gun. Actually, it’s a stapler, because I am against gun violence, but I’m holding it like a gun. And I will not hesitate to staple you. I am not against staple violence.

(A CRAZY MAN enters.)

CRAZY MAN
Okay, okay, I say “PUT THAT STAPLER DOWN!” and then you say “YOU’RE A BAD STAPLER!” (laughs hysterically) Then dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, VAGINA! (laughs hysterically)

JOE
Who the hell are you?

CRAZY MAN
Okay, okay, Who’s on First. What’s on Second. I’M ON THIRD! (Pause) WHO AM I? I SAID WHO AM I?

JOE
I, I don’t know.

CRAZY MAN
GIVE THAT MAN A DOLLAR!

JOE
Who are you?

CRAZY MAN
What is this, A RELATIONSHIP SCENE!? (laughs hysterically) TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE! (rimshot)

JOE
I think I’m going to call security!

CRAZY MAN
Why did the chicken swim like a duck? Because Violets in Garlic Sauce! (rimshot) But that makes no sense! Soooooo—IT MUST BE A DADA SCENE!

JOE
Look, I don’t—this isn’t quite dada. Dada is actually a cultural movement that began in Zürich, Switzerland, during World War I and peaked during--

CRAZY MAN
Hey asshole! I’m the ghost of Roger Casey! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!

JOE
Listen, I don’t know what’s going on here, but--

CRAZY MAN lunges at JOE, grabbing him around the neck. He rambles.

CRAZY MAN
365! 365! 364 DID THIS TO ME BUT I NEED IT! I NEED 365!

JOE
You’re hurting me!

CRAZY MAN
Something that’ll KILL ‘em! That will leave ‘em ROLLING IN THE AISLES! GIVE IT TO ME!! 365!!

JOE
Help! Somebody help me!

(Suddenly, there’s a bright light upstage. A figure stands in the light.)

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S)
ROGER CASEY--THE POWER OF PULITZER COMPELS YOU! BACK TO HELL WITH THEE!

(CRAZY MAN lets go and shrinks. He starts to slink off stage. Before he exits--)

CRAZY MAN
Beware 364! Tip your waitress. Try the veal.

(CRAZY MAN holds up an applause sign, waits for applause, then exits. The bright light from upstage is extinguished, revealing a young African American WOMAN with long braided hair.)

WOMAN
Joe Janes, I presume. I love your alliteration.

JOE
What is going on? Who-who are you?

WOMAN
I’m the ghost of Suzan-Lori Parks, MacArthur Foundation “Genius” and Pulitzer Prize winner for my play, Topdog/Underdog.

JOE
But Suzan-Lori Parks isn’t dead. How can you be a ghost?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Pulitzer Prize winner Suzan-Lori Parks, thank you, and, I’ll be whatever I want. What have you ever won, Joe Janes?

JOE
I won an Emmy once.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Primetime Emmy or Regional Emmy?

JOE
Well, I mean...

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Look, Joe: I’m not here to talk about who won what Genius grant and when – I did, in 2001 – I’m here to talk about the incredible journey you’re about to embark on.

JOE
The lay-off?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
365! The quest for that glorious number.

JOE
Oh, I don’t know about all that. I’m rethinking the whole thing after the attack of Roger Casey’s ghost.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
It’s very hard to do, Joe, but it can be done. I should know; I did it. 365 Days/365 Plays. But writing 365 of anything is not for the weak of heart.

JOE
Um, I read some of those plays and really, they weren’t very good.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
(Grabbing Joe) Quality doesn’t matter! A lesser writer crumbles at 364! As you’ve seen! But the reward...the reward is great, my friend.

JOE
Getting laid.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
(Looking him up and down.) That’s probably not gonna happen for you BUT there is this: the next time you’re teaching a writing workshop at New York University, and one of your students says ”I have writer’s block,” you can say, ”Writer’s block?! I wrote 365 sketches in 365 days! WRITER’S BLOCK DOESN’T EXIST, ASSHAT!”

JOE
That does sound pretty great. An excuse to use the word “asshat.”

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
First, I need to show you something. Grab on to my braids.

JOE
Where are we going?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
My secret hideaway, nestled high above the earth in the Himalaya Mountains!

(JOE grabs SUZAN-LORI PARKS’ braids. They are magically transported one way or another to SUZAN-LORI PARKS’ hideaway, which is a simple room in the Himalaya Mountains.)

JOE
Hey, this looks just like the Second City Training Center’s Teachers’ lounge.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
It’s a recreation for your benefit because to be able to conquer 365 sketches you must first be able to transcend all of your fears. In order to have the mental strength to make it to 365 you must go on a soul searching expedition. Through that bathroom door marked “For Faculty Use Only” is what I call “The Fearinator.”

(Joe groans disgustedly.)

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Lay off, it’s tough thinking of clever names. Once you have entered the Fearinator your trial will begin. If you survive the trial you will gain the mental strength required to tackle the task of 365 sketches. If you fail, well, you can still teach. Fare thee well, Joe Janes.

(She motions toward the bathroom door. Joe walks through hesitantly and on the other side is a bare stage. He stands for a moment, but no one is there.)

JOE
Hello? This isn’t so scary. It’s just a bare stage.

(The light suddenly go black and we hear some loud, fun scene change music. We also hear some actors moving chairs and setting a scene. When the lights come up, Joe is standing off to the side. BRET, TAMMY, BOB, TOM and others are seated in chairs and motion toward him.)

TAMMY
Joe! We didn’t think you’d make it! Sherry’s coming up the stairs now.

(JOE seems a little woozy and makes his way over towards the couch. Everyone is quietly talking. Sherry enters. She is wearing a bee-hive wig, torn clothing, and her make-up is a mess.)

SHERRY
What’s going on?

BRET
Sherry, all of your friends and family are here today to help you with your problem.

SHERRY
Problem? I don’t have a problem?

BRET
Sherry, this is an intervention.

JOE
Oh no. Oh dear God no, not an intervention scene!

(As the scene continues JOE becomes more and more exhausted, distraught, disgusted, and gradually weaker.)

BRET
We’re here to help you with your Amy Winehouse-itis. Your friends and family have become very concerned.

SHERRY
So I like to party a little, so what? I’m not hurting anyone. I do not have Amy Winehouse-itis.

JOE
No… the fake celebrity disease trick. My God, I’m stuck in a shitty scene!

TAMMY
Oh Sherry. What went wrong? I know things haven’t been the same since your father died from cancerous AIDS. And sure, we all like to occasionally get our slippery fur-box stuffed full of thick veiny cock, but you’ve taken it too far.

JOE
That’s pointless shock value… uuuuughh…

BOB
I’d like to say something SHIT COCK ASS! Sorry, my Tourette’s acts up when I feel stress. COCK SHIT FUCKLOAD! Sorry. I just hope my Alzheimer’s… where am I? Who are FUCKING SHIT FUCK are you people?

JOE
No… no more…

TOM
Sherry, me and Bret have been getting together every night to try and figure out the best way to help you. We have put in some long, hard nights.

BRET
We sure have Tom. Real looong and haaaaard nights pumping each other for ideas.

TOM
We have emptied our idea juice all over each other trying to figure this out.

JOE
Badly disguised homosexual overtones… please… make it stop!

(Everyone stops and looks at Joe.)

BRET
Joe, wouldn’t you like to say something?

JOE
No… no… this sketch… it’s too horrible!

TAMMY
Come on Joe, you have to participate in the scene.

JOE
Sher… Sherry… Obama’s healthcare reform will give you access to cutting edge treatment, if it ever gets passed. Am I right?

(The whole group laughs.)

BRET
And…..

(JOE can hardly even stand at this point.)

JOE
I can’t… the story is unfinished. It’s all shock and awe…

(Everyone ad libs “C’mon Joe, join in.” “Participate.” “Become one of us.” etc.)

JOE
(Struggling) And . . . another thing Sherry; You going out and . . . getting all messed up is about as foolish as . . . as our invasion of Iraq?

BRET
Nice try, Joe, but I think what you really meant to say was: It’s about as foolish as wearing your PANTS ON THE GROUND!

(The whole group, sans JOE, starts singing. JOE continues to wail and sob and scream.)

EVERYONE
Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Call yourself a cool cat, lookin’ like a fool. Walkin! Talkin, with your pants on the ground!

JOE
(over their singing) No! No! Stop it--this is the worst scene ever! Nooooooooooo!

(The lights come down and more loud music kicks in. After a moment, lights up.)

BRET
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Now we’re going to change things up a bit and do our semi-improv portion of the sketch show.

JOE
Noooooooooo!

(The lights change again as JOE goes running back through the bathroom door. There are a few seconds of weird lights and sounds, like strange laughing and bad improvised lines, dick and fart jokes, and the like. Once Joe makes it through the door the lights come back up. He collapses, out of breath and sobbing.)

JOE
I couldn’t do it! I just couldn’t--fucking hacks!

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
But you survived! You are ready!

JOE
But I didn’t make it to the end of the Fearinator.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Oh, don’t worry, no one ever makes it through the improv portion. It’s only the real sketch comedy writers that are wise enough to leave when that crazy shit starts. So now you are ready.

JOE
Do you really think I can do it?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Yes. You have it in you. Just avoid cliches, observe your world to get inspired, and if you find yourself getting stuck, write a blackout. Or a relationship scene. You’ll probably write a shit load of those in the coming year.

JOE
Thank you, Suzan-Lori Parks. I’m ready. I am going to explore comic situations and relationships. The fish out of water will be my best friend! My contexts will clash like titans! I am going to write the best 365 sketches the world has ever seen! It’s going to be wonderful!

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Sure, sure, whatever. But listen, Joe, there is one final test.

JOE
What’s that?

(A MAN IN A CHICKEN SUIT enters.)

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
You have to have sex with this man in a chicken suit.

JOE
Why?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Because we bought a chicken suit and we needed to make use of it.

JOE
But, I don’t want to--

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
(Cuts him off.) For your art, Joe Janes! For your art!

(Joe sighs and makes peace with the fact that he will have to get fucked by a chicken.)

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Good luck Joe Janes. I would say something funny as I exit, but I’m going to leave that for your rewrite. And I’ve never been good at saying good bye. So fuck you.

(Suzan-Lori Parks grabs her braids and flies herself offstage. Joe stares at the Man In A Chicken Suit for a moment.)

MAN IN A CHICKEN SUIT
Hi, I’m Randy.

JOE
We’re not really going to have sex, are we?

(The Man in the Chicken Suit reaches over and turns on a radio on Joe’s desk. We hear “Let’s Get It On.” He starts dancing at a terrified Joe as lights fade.)

FADE TO BLACK

12 Angry Sketches: One Down, Three to Go

2010-06-07T15:24:00.000-05:00

Booyeah. Show opened, all the work has paid off, and we had a great opening night audience. Now all that's left to do is perform it three more times.

Come see the show before it's too late! Fridays at 9:00, Donny's Skybox in Chicago!

12 Angry Sketches - Master Post

2010-06-04T15:47:00.000-05:00

For posterity purposes, RvD is pleased to present the master post for our Sketch Comedy:

12 ANGRY SKETCHES

Justice Gets Served

FULL RUN:

Fridays, June 4th - June 25th, 2010 @ 9:00 PM

Donny's Skybox

1608 N Wells

Chicago, IL

Cast List

Opening Announcement Post

Post Show Glow

12 Angry Sketches: Opening Friday!

2010-06-01T11:11:00.000-05:00

The time is at hand, people! A good four month's work comes to fruition on Friday night at 9:00 when 12 Angry Sketches opens.

Group rehearsals have gone well and we have one more tonight; we're teching the show. It's been great seeing everything come together. It's always nice when several months worth of writing, directing, line learning and prop gathering actually results in laughter.

Show details:

12 ANGRY SKETCHES

Justice gets served.

Fridays in June (4th, 11th, 18th, 25th) @ 9:00 PM

Donny's Skybox

1808 N Wells, 4th Floor

Chicago, IL

For tickets call the Box Office at 312-337-3992

Come, interweb friends! Come in droves!

The Last Words of Oscar Wilde

2010-05-29T18:25:00.001-05:00

It is widely believed that the final utterance of the famous playwright Oscar Wilde was "Either the wallpaper goes or I do." Witty but incomplete. Through exhaustive research, I have established the Aesthete's true last words:

"Either the wallpaper goes, or I do.

"Why is no one taking down the wallpaper? Do none of you care about me? Jesus Christ, people. I'm not asking for divine intercession, here. Just get a a putty knife and a mixture of vinegar and water. Great, I'm dead now. Fuck all of y'all."

I humbly submit this as my doctoral thesis,
Mike Bauman.

How to not die falling out of a high-rise

2010-05-26T12:32:00.005-05:00

Cats. They are soft, cuddly, and make a great accent in any living room. And now they're teaching us how to land safely if we fall out of a high-rise.

Click here for the video "Why cats land on their feet".

If you don't have time to watch the video but still want to survive a 15-story fall, here are the highlights:

1. Rotate head and spot your landing.

2. Twist your spine and align your hips.

3. Arch spine to reduce force of impact.

4. Land on all four legs.

365 & RvD & TimeOut - Chicago

2010-05-26T12:23:00.002-05:00

RvD gets a plug in an article about "365 Sketches." Chris Othic even has a lovely quote.

click HERE

12 Angry Sketches - THE POSTCARD!!

2010-05-24T10:47:00.001-05:00

BEHOLD!

The time for incessant pluggery is nearly at hand! Here is the postcard:

Layout and final product courtesy of Susie Gutowski, original concept and artwork by Nat Topping.

Rejoice! The show is coming together!

The (Almost) Complete Guide to 365 Sketches

2010-05-21T09:51:00.001-05:00

(I say almost, because I heard from a director or two earlier this week that they may have a cast change, but haven't heard back. the RvD 365 show is Wednesday, June 9th.)

On January 19, 2009, Joe Janes decided to write a comedy sketch a day for a year. He did that. On June 3, 2010, Don Hall of the WNEP Theater Foundation will produce them. All of them. Don and Joe have gathered together over 200 Chicago actors and directors and over ten days presented 26 shows each featuring two weeks worth of sketches. Yep. Crazy.

“365 Sketches” – Strawdog Theater – June 3 – June 13, 2010

scenes listed by cast size – title – date written

THU 6/3
8PM – Weeks 1 & 2 “Dancing with the Devil” (director – Mary Jo Bolduc, cast: Dennis Frymire, Fuzzy Gerdes, Andrew Jordan, Gabe Garza, Marsha Harman, Jill Fenstermaker, Sara Gorsky, original music by Edesio Sanchez-Gomez, transition music by Jen Taylor)

(2) laid on.1.19.09
(2) Made in China.1.20.09
(4) LOTTERYWINNER.1.21.09
(7) Czernik on the bus.1.22.09
(6) single slices.1.23.09
(7) SPINCYCLE.1.24.09
(4) Babies Are Assholes.1.25.09”
(1) Pushing The Envelope.1.26.09
(3) Better Than Money.1.27.09
(3) Neighbors.1.28.09
(5) Dancing with the Devil.1.29.09
(5) Chet Later.1.30.09
(6) Chet At Lunch.1.31.09
(6) BROWN BAGGING IT.2.1.09

10PM – Weeks 3 & 4 “Diversity Chicken” (director – Jason Fleece, cast: Jeremiah Howe, Jessica Bennett, Jill Olson, Chris Brown, Andy Cameron, Kristen Secrist)

(3) KATJITSU.2.2.09
(4) Tit for Tat.2.3.09
(3) Diversity Chicken.2.4.09
(2) Single White Friendster.2.5.09
(2) Hemlock.2.6.09
(7) Another One of Those Blackouts.2.7.09
(3) Medusa.2.8.09
(3) Macbeth.2.9.09
(2) Looking Great.2.10.09
(4) Gravy Boat.2.11.09
(3) NPRpart1.2.12.09
(2) NPRpart2.2.13.09
(3) NPRpart3.2.14.09
(3) Spy Who Dated Me.2.15.09

FRI 6/4
8PM – Weeks 5 & 6 “Zombie Space Aliens” (director – Regan Davis, cast: Jon Sales, Ed Sanchez-Gomez, Brenda E. Kelly, Patrick Michael Kelly, Erin Johnson, Mikayla Brown)
(3) Public Hair.2.16.09
(2) Termination.2.17.09
(4) Bad News.2.18.09
(3) Mercury Poisoning.2.19.09
(3) Suess Club.2.20.09
(3) Once Upon A Time in the Church Basement.2.21.09
(4) LOUD SUNSHINE.2.22.09
(4) Zombie Space Aliens.2.23.09
(3) TheC-E-Yos(a rap song).2.24.09
(5) That’s Just Jay.2.25.09
(2) The Third One.2.26.09
(7) The Wretched Refuse2.27.09
(1) This Is My Art.2.28.09
(7) Mr. Mysterium.3.1.09

10PM – Weeks 7 & 8 “Dried and Cured Meats” (director - Rebekah Walendzak, cast: Heather Adams, Ryan Ben, Jeffrey Bouthiette, Earliana McLaurin)

(3) PuzzleNight,Part1.3.2.09
(3) PuzzleNight,Part2.3.3.09
(3) PuzzleNight,Part3.3.4.09
(1) TheTwittysburgAddress.3.5.09
(3) Exit, Pursued By A Bear.3.6.09
(3) HealthNut.3.7.09
(2) Belmont.3.8.09
(5) SomethingRotten.3.9.09
(2) TheDayTheEarthStoodByWaiting.3.10.09
(6) IciclesofEvil.3.11.09
(4) DriedAndCuredMeats.3.12.09
(2) SelfStorage.3.13.09
(1) HappyEnding.3.14.09
(2) WeReachWithRadio.3.15.09

Midnight – Weeks 9 & 10 “The End of the World” (director - Rinska Prestinary, ass’t directors - Emily Cooke and Hannah Herbert, cast: Steve Casillas , Alex Farrington, Pat Whalen, Chris Petlak, Jack Gallagher, Edgar Sanchez, Matt Steffen, Torian Miller, Dana Young, Meredith Daufenbach, deejay-Zan Rosenthal)

(3) Bully.3.16.09
(2) BigFatLies.3.17.09
(3) RecollectionsOfACountryLife.3.18.09
(6) OpenCasket.3.19.09
(3) CoffinMax.3.20.09
(4) Blogger.3.21.09
(2) WE REACH WITH RADIO II.3.22.09
(7) AGoodMan.3.23.09
(2) MattNeedsYourHelp.3.24.09
(2) WorksBetterOnChildren.3.25.09
(2) TheEndOfTheWorld.3.26.09
(4) TheMachineAlsoRises.3.27.09
(4) 77.3.28.09
(3) WEREACHWITHRADIOIII.3.29.09

SAT 6/5
8PM – Weeks 11 & 12 “An Affair to Whatever” (director – Dunbar Dicks, cast: Bryce Fishman, James Sienko II, Chris Savell, Mike Dobbyn, Kate Compton, Katherine Li, Hassan S. Ali, Tessa O’Connor)

(3) CauldronFresh.3.30.09
(3) Cannibal78.3.31.09
(4) AGhostsStory.4.1.09
(8) WhatAmericaRunsOn.4.2.09
(2) AnAmericanMugging.4.3.09
(5) HowSweet.4.4.09
(2) TheCustomerIsAlwaysRight.4.5.09
(7) ChickenMagnet.4.6.09
(3) AprilShowers.4.7.09
(2) ILikeYouBetterWhenYou’reNude.4.8.09
(3) EasterEggHuntingwithBubWinkerman.4.9.09
(4) PitchBleak.4.10.09
(2) AnAffairtoWhatever.4.11.09
(2) TheTip.4.12.09

10PM – Weeks 13 & 14 “While On My Way To Hell” (director – Rebecca Langguth, cast: Kim Boler, John Brewster, Ben Harpe, Trey Hanks, Briana Hansen, Brett McGovern)

(3) WarIsHardWork.4.13.09
(2) DuallyNoted.4.14.09
(3) OfficerArsenty.4.15.09
(5) Stripperer.4.16.09
(3) StellaonTuesdays.4.17.09
(6) WhileOnMyWayToHell.4.18.09
(6) AFriendintheEnd.4.19.09
(6) SearchingforJossWhedon.4.20.09
(2) OffTheGrid.4.21.09
(2) QueenofBees.4.22.09
(3) CreptOut.4.23.09
(2) UPSSucks.4.24.09
(2) WalterGoldstein.4.25.09
(3) Bonus.4.26.09

Midnight – Weeks 15 & 16 “Weenus” (director- Derek Van Tassel, cast: Jacob Clausen, Harter Clingman, Lori Lewis, Molly McCormick, Mal Merpi, Mike Newquist, Eric Prather, Jess Elfring Roberts)

(5) JohnIrvingness.4.27.09
(8) DeathToTyrants.4.28.09
(2) DumDums.4.29.09
(2) Truckin.4.30.09
(3) BackgroundCheck.5.1.09
(3) Weenus.5.2.09
(4) TwoOnTheAisle.5.3.09
(3) Wishes.5.4.09
(8) HippyBathday.5.5.09
(4) BraceBeer.5.6.09
(3) BulletFlu.5.7.09
(3) ThrowingChonos.5.8.09
(4) WhyIHateFrenchCinema.5.9.09 – English version, for reference
(4) WhyIHateFrenchCinema.5.9.09A – French-ish version, for performance
(2) SeaWatchers.5.10.09

SUN 6/6
7PM – Weeks 17 & 18 “Shows You Would Never See If You Didn’t Know Someone In The Cast” (director - Scott Olson, ass’t director - Jackson Haywood, cast: Dylan James Hackworth, Sam Hubbard, Jessica Cook, Jack Bourgeois, Meg Harkins, Cassie Ahiers, Liz Siedt, Dan Planz, Kevin Branick)

(4) PromNight.5.11.09
(6) Smile.5.12.09
(4) Nighthawks.5.13.09
(6) Untucked.5.14.09
(4) ProblemSolved.5.15.09
(2) AKissAnyway.5.16.09
(6) SummerEvening.5.17.09
(2) PawnBroken.5.18.09
(1) TheDeafofTheater.5.19.09
(3) ShowsYouWouldNeverSee.5.20.09
(2) CasadeNed.5.21.09
(2) RomeoPizza.5.22.09
(7) TimeBeavers.5.23.09
(3) The Hitchhiker.5.24.09

9PM – Weeks 19 & 20 “Chekhov in the Trailer Park”- (director – Rich Baker, cast: cast: Tom Burns, Nicole Devin, James Honey, Kerri Morrison, Jacob Schneider, Lauran September, Clay Stevens )

(5) WideWithPride.5.25.09
(6) BookClub.5.26.09
(2) LangleyandPratt5.27.09
(2) CarryingAPorch.5.28.09
(7) StretchLimousine.5.29.09
(2) Listening.5.30.09
(4) ChekhovInTheTrailerPark.5.31.09
(5) IDoHoldOn.6.1.09
(3) WhereTheresSmokeTheresSmoke.6.2.09
(4) TheLifeandstrangeSurprizingAdventuresofRobinsonCrusoe.6.3.09
(1) HowToWriteAComedySketch.6.4.09
(4) FascinationStreetBakery.6.5.09
(3) AnOnLineEducation.6.6.09
(2) SwimmingforNonSwimmers.6.7.09

MON 6/7
8PM –Weeks 21 & 22 “Jerk Sandwich”- (director – Lillie Frances, cast: Alaina Hoffman, Gillian Bellinger, Robert Reid, Jeremy Schaefer, Sayjal Joshi, Patrick Kent)

(7) TheInternationalComedyWritingInstituteofAmerica.6.8.09
(2) IfIWereYou.6.9.09
(2) ExtractionNumber2.6.10.09
(4) KennySpicerman.6.11.09
(2) TheConstantPresent.6.12.09
(3) FunkandWagnall.6.13.09
(8) RocknRollTrouble!.6.14.09
(2) Tracer.6.15.09
(2) ChryslerOnAStick.6.16.09
(7) MyFathersBeret.6.17.09
(6) ZombiePizzaParty.6.18.09
(4) Don’t Ask, Don’tShout.6.19.09
(2) JerkSandwich.6.20.09
(2) FarmersfromHell.6.21.09

Weeks 23 & 24 “Red, White and Beer”- (director- Wendi Weber, cast: Bernie Balbot, Will Casey, Rammel Chan, Jackie Durruthy, Justin Fletcher, Govind Kumar, Lara Jo Hightower, KT Mack)

(4) PeopleWhoLiveInCandyHousesShouldn’tThrowVegetables.6.22.09
(3) EverybodyPoops,EvenNeil.6.23.09
(7) PhilliptheFriendlyDinosaur.6.24.09
(3) TheAmazingMaxwells.6.25.09
(3) JensMomNancy.6.26.09
(1) ThingsIPutInMyMouth.6.27.09
(9) TheSemiHardTruthAboutViagra.6.28.09
(3) TheCarpetCave.6.29.09
(6) GronkGoesBonk.6.30.09
(4) KidzNewz.7.1.09
(3) TheDeathofMe.7.2.09
(3) Red, White and Beer.7.3.09
(3) HowBad’sTheCoffee.7.4.09
(2) NewBlood.7.5.09

TUE 6/8
8PM – Weeks 25 & 26 “Twi-Lite” (director – Janna Sobel, cast: Andy Tommello, Brett McGovern, Jen Spyra, Lauren Robertson, Wolfgang Stein, Michael Rychlewski, Erin Morrill, Jeff Rukes)

(4) Twi-Lite.7.6.09
(3) BedtimeStories.7.7.09
(7) DownontheFarm.7.8.09
(5) TheHIPPENING.7.9.09
(7) YouHavePlacedAChillInMyHeart.7.10.09
(4) WildIsTheWind.7.11.09
(2) ThoseWhoCan't.7.12.09
(5) Sunburn.7.13.09
(3) AlienationofAffection.7.14.09
(5) BigBother.7.15.09
(3) NeverBeenRuffied.7.16.09
(2) AngryCow.7.17.09
(4) GiantLeap.7.18.09
(2) TheLastWord.7.19.09

Weeks 27 & 28 “Disco Heaven” (director – David Rocco Facchini, cast: Lisa Burton, Lindsey Ganote, Ryan McDermott, Heather Lynn Muth, Matt Noonan, Michael Tatar and Greg Wendling)

(4) DryDock.7.20.09
(2) DiscoHeaven.7.21.09
(5) TurkeyFingers.7.22.09
(5) BuenosAires.7.23.09
(2) ALittlePsycho.7.24.09
(2) WTF.7.25.09
(5) VioletsinGarlicSauce.7.26.09
(6) DearPenthouse.7.27.09
(2) WithorWithout.7.28.09
(6) DingDongSchool – HeWhoSitsInTheShadowOfHisTail.7.29.09
(5) MercenaryAir.7.30.09
(2) Weepy.7.31.09
(2) NewYorkNewYork.8.1.09
(4) FrenchIsEasy.8.2.09

WED 6/9
8PM – Weeks 29 & 30 “Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Treadmill” (director – John Hildreth cast - Gillian Bellinger, Mary Jo Bolduc, Janna Sobel, John Brewster, John Mobley, Rudy Voit)

(2) AfterWorkBeforeBed.8.3.09
(1) TheDingDongSong.8.4.09
(2) PeopleLetMeTellYa.8.5.09
(3) ThoughtsOfADyingAtheist.8.6.09
(2) BlackCoffee.8.7.09
(6) FoolsRushInWhereAngelsFearToTreadmill.8.8.09
(3) MandingoRex.8.9.09
(5) OnAStick.8.10.09
(6) FreeSoda.8.11.09
(1) AnOperatorTriesToHelpJimCroce.8.12.09
(2) Simplifying.8.13.09
(4) Pepper.8.14.09
(6) GrekkortheAlien.8.15.09
(3) ACupO’Joe.8.16.09

Weeks 31 & 32 “A Thing I Wrote” (director - Chris Othic, cast: Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Becca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping, Mackenzie Yeager)

(4) TheCaseoftheSpeckledBullet.8.17.09
(4) WhatPriceGory.8.18.09
(6) HadThisBeenAnActualEmergency.8.19.09
(6) StopSHOUTING.8.20.09
(4) TheUnicornAndTheVengeance.8.21.09
(3) AMemberoftheChurchofGod.8.22.09
(4) ArtAndAboutWithRandyCarson.8.23.09
(6) AGospelSongforAtheists.8.24.09
(3) StillLife.8.25.09
(2) InterestDue.8.26.09
(2) Wasp-18.8.27.09
(4) BodyFallingDownstairsSlowly.8.28.09
(6) TheEighthWonderoftheWorld.8.29.09
(6) AThingIWROTE.8.30.09

THU 6/10
8PM – Weeks 33 & 34 “Boris vs. Nature” (director – Becky Eldridge, cast: Alaina Hoffman, Shelby Burton, Ross Foti, Jarrad Apperson, Scott Olson, Robert Reid)

(3) EnoughRope.8.31.09
(6) BorisvsNature.9.1.09
(5) ILove2Boogie.9.2.09
(3) Bouncer.9.3.09
(3) AFlyOnTheWall.9.4.09
(2) ByAnyOtherName.9.5.09
(3) ACivilWar.9.6.09
(2) IHateCleaning.9.7.09
(2) AHitForWeddingsorFunerals.9.8.09
(2) WartsandAll.9.9.09
(4) INeedLunch.9.10.09
(5) APennySaved.9.11.09
(2) Gary’sGotAProblem.9.12.09
(2) GuntherLandorsHouseoHealing.9.13.09

10PM – Weeks 35 & 36 “Oblique Oblige” (director – Rose Kruger, cast: Donna Ray, Dave Fink, Joel Reitsma, Lila Collins, Emily Claiborne, Jon Cohen, Ian Knox, Anya Clingman, David Schaplowsky, Nate Stoner, Charlie Cascino - fight choreography)

(2) LikeABaby.9.14.09
(5) TheFilmofMyLove.9.15.09
(1) Ain’tThatLove.9.16.09
(2) Pullover.9.17.09
(3) EtTude.9.18.09
(6) Late.9.19.09
(5) Pinocchio.9.20.09
(2) Runaway.9.21.09
(4) ClimateChange.9.22.09
(4) ObliqueOblige.9.23.09
(3) TypewriterRepair.9.24.09
(4) Detained.9.25.09
(2) TheAwakening.9.26.09
(6) ThreeBagsFull.9.27.09

FRI 6/11
8PM – Weeks 37 & 38 “What If They Held A Peace Rally And Nobody Came?” (director – Amanda Rountree, tech director – Jessica Landis, cast: Dominique Lewis, Ed Smaron, Erin Orr, Kelsie Huff, Kevin Gladish, Lori Goss, Michael Carothers, Scott Whitehair)

(6) Elaborate.9.28.09
(4) TheLastUnicorn.9.29.09
(2) LighthouseHill.9.30.09
(1) DesMoines.10.1.09
(3) ComeAgain.10.2.09
(6) ComeAgainAgain.10.3.09
(5) GiveALittle.10.4.09
(2) JustInCase.10.5.09
(2) BabyMilosh.10.06.09
(4) Spuhllujah.10.7.09
(3) MeatSubstitute.10.8.09
(4) PopsicleStick.10.9.09
(4) HappyAlzheimer’s.10.10.09
(6) WhatIfTheyHeldAPeaceRallyAndNobodyCame.10.11.09

10PM – Weeks 39 & 40 “St. Drunken’s Day” (director – Mary Williamson, cast: Mackenzie Yeager, Zoe Shwartz, Heath Cordts, Isaac Holter, Josef Bette, Chris Chmelik, The Band - Amanda Batterson, and Chance Bone)

(1) ToWake.10.12.09
(6) TheWeepingLlama.10.13.09
(6) SomethingsDifferent.10.14.09
(2) Chicago.10.15.09
(4) SlowDownLifesTooShort.10.16.09
(3) HowToHaveSexWithWomen.10.17.09
(5) BoxingDay.10.18.09
(2) Clump.10.19.09
(8) PositiveLoitering.10.20.09
(2) RoominNewYork.10.21.09
(2) Dayhawks.10.22.09
(5) GoodSeats.10.23.09
(3) St.DrunkensDay.10.24.09
(2) MrJones.10.25.09

Midnight – Weeks 41 & 42 “Dear Cancer” (Director – Tony Soto, cast: Dree Elfring, Megan Householter, Sarah Beckett, Mike Newquist, Wayne Brumgard, David Stookey, Gavin Robinson)

(7) TheGoInTheGo.10.26.09
(3) Christopher.10.27.09
(7) LittleDrummerBoy.10.28.09
(2) AMothToAFlame.10.29.09
(1) LifesTooShortTo.10.30.09
(2) HotelRoom.10.31.09
(2) Procrastination.11.1.09
(2) 911.11.2.09
(6) ThisWillBeOurYear.11.3.09
(2) SocialIssues.11.4.09
(2) ExcursionIntoPhilosophy.11.5.09
(5) DearCancer.11.6.09
(3) LakeRood.11.7.09
(2) ThreeWishes.11.08.09

SAT 6/12
8PM – Weeks 43 & 44 “You Know – Like The End of the World” (director – Bina Martin, ass’t director – Johanna Meyers, cast: Dan Carr, Jo Feldman, Jeff Hedges, Jen Malinsky, Matt Malinsky, Vanessa Menton)

(3) TeachAManToFish.11.9.09
(2) Retard.11.10.09.
(6) Séance.11.11.09
(2) StayingUpLate.11.12.09
(5) Thief.11.13.09
(2) WinningTheLottery.11.14.09
(5) AFistfulofYarn.11.15.09
(2) ToTheImpossible.11.16.09
(2) PlanB.11.17.09
(3) NotAllDogsGoToHeaven.11.18.09
(2) FutureElectric.11.19.09
(3) GrandOpening.11.20.09
(3) YouKnowLikeTheEndoftheWorld.11.21.09
(2) KickTheCan.11.22.09

10PM - Weeks 45 & 46 “Who’s Afraid of Virginia, Wolf?” (director – Rachel Staelens, cast: Matthew Scott, Sarah Mikayla Brown, Andrew Kraft, KTMack, Sam Bailey, Steve Hund, Toni Machi, Vinnie Lacey)

(6) TheFirstTeaPartiers.11.23.09
(5) SomethingToBelieveIn.11.24.09
(3) TheLibrary.11.25.09
(4) NoThanks.11.26.09
(4) Digger.11.27.09
(3) HeldUp.11.28.09
(6) CatMenOnTheMoon.11.29.09
(4) ForcedSmile.11.30.09
(2) RacistInABox.12.1.09
(2) TheFoodChain.12.2.09
(6) FirstFlight.12.3.09
(4) OnFire.12.4.09
(3) ChristmasComesEarlyMaybeLate.12.5.09
(5) WhosAfraidofVirginiaWolf.12.6.09

Midnight – Weeks 47 & 48 “Barflies At The Beach” (director – Danni Parpan, cast: Pat Whalen, Reeny Hofrichter, Grace Wagner, Sasha Smith, Chelsea Brand, Eric Prather, Michael Bartz)

(1) SlowWalkWithLimpInEcho.12.7.09
(2) OBGYN-Detroit.12.8.09.doc
(3) BarfliesAtTheBeach.12.9.09
(4) WindowShopper.12.10.09
(3) Bunny.12.11.09
(2) Settling…Up.12.12.09
(2) Grosseries.12.13.09
(3) SoHelpMeGod.12.14.09
(4) Free Hugs.12.15.09
(5) AChristmasStory.12.16.09
(6) AtTheStarbucks.12.17.09
(5) AnyoneforTennis.12.18.09
(3) ASigningFromGod.12.19.09
(2) J ockItch.12.20.09

SUN 6/13
7PM – Weeks 49 & 50 “Farewell To Monster Island” (director – Trish Vignola cast - Andrew Kraft, Mal Merpi, Steve Konet, Emily Walker, Greg Callozzo, Jessica Bettini, Jack Farrell)

(2) TheFiveDollarMystery.12.21.09
(3) AmericanGuitarHero.12.22.09
(3) LoveBirdsAndCatThieves.12.23.09
(3) ItsForTheBest.12.24.09
(4) TheThoughtsThatCount.12.25.09
(3) GodHatesFags.12.26.09
(2) PhantomBooger.12.27.09
(1) Listless.12.28.09
(3) iMiranda.12.29.09
(5) FuckYou, Harry Chapin.12.30.09
(3) DiningInHell.12.31.09
(4) FarewellToMonsterIsland.1.1.10
(2) MuchToDo.1.2.10
(2) Blockbusted.1.3.10

9PM – Weeks 51 & 52 “Polka Dots and Moonbeams” (director – Jen Ellison, cast: Patrick Brennan, Kevin Gladish, Merrie Greenfield, Mary Jo Bolduc, Rebecca Langguth, Dave Stinton, Amanda Rountree)

(5) PolkaDotsandMoonbeams.1.4.10
(2) Hi.1.5.10
(3) Anna.2.1.6.10
(6) OurManInAccounting.1.7.10
(2) Footprints.1.8.10
(2) RateofDecay.1.9.10
(4) SmoothSailing.1.10.10
(4) TurkeyInTheStraw.1.11.10
(7) Pigeon.1.12.10
(3) One Night.1.13.10
(1) YourNewImprovCoach.1.14.10
(3) BornAgain.1.15.10
(3) PayItSideways.1.16.10
(6) CurtainCall.1.17.10
(5) WhiteChocolate.1.18.10

Videos For My Mom

2010-05-21T09:37:00.008-05:00

These are for my mom, but every one else is allowed to watch them, too.

I also wanted to post this one, but embedding is disabled, so you'll have to click the link to see it: OK Go - WTF?

Morning News

2010-05-20T09:40:00.003-05:00

Here is my overview of the morning news today:

This person is dead.

These people are dead.

This person killed that person after the first person killed someone else.

Body missing.

Person Dead.

Weather.

Person Dead

Internet clips.

Another person dead.

Internet clips.

Sports.

Weather.

More bodies found.

Repeat.

A Thing Joe Wrote

2010-05-18T12:35:00.003-05:00

You probably haven’t heard much about RvD’s other project—participating in Joe’s 365 Sketches Festival--so here are some tids and bits about it:

A few months ago, Joe asked me to direct a show for his 365 project. After carefully and deliberately reading all 365 scenes he wrote last year (okay, I had been reading them as I went, and I think I have read all but maybe a handful) I decided on a nice little block called “A Thing I Wrote.” (Get yer tickets! Get yer tickets here!) There were a couple of scenes that jumped out at me, one of which being a Sherlock Holmes murder mystery titled “The Case of the Speckled Bullet.” I was also fond of staging a scene featuring King Kong, and there were a few others I liked as well.

I decided early on that I’d like this to an RvD joint, since we are Joe’s soul mates (cell mates?) and I knew we would have a lot of fun. Once we figured out a night that most of us could meet (Wednesdays) we set the rehearsal schedule and have been rehearsing for the last three weeks.

Now for some reason, and I don’t know what that reason is (okay, vanity, you caught me) I decided I would also like to perform in this little powerhouse of scenes. Truthfully, I really wanted to butcher an English accent in the Sherlock Holmes scene, so sue me. I’ve always enjoyed performing, but I’m a little rusty as it’s been about three years since I’ve done any real acting other than some understudy stuff and a walk on role here and there. Add to that the challenge of directing myself and the rest of the cast and, well, it’s been an interesting mess inside my brain. It hasn’t helped matters that RvD is also prepping our next show, 12 Angry Sketches (see side bar for details), that opens at Donny’s Skybox on June 4 (just 5 days before our 365 show). So I’ve been busy.

Good organized thing I’m.

As far as the acting goes, I think I can pull it off because so far no one has seen through my calm and cool exterior to realize that I am FREAKING OUT ON THE INSIDE!

Rehearsals have helped to calm me down though, because I have a cracker jack cast (I always wanted to use that phrase and it fits so I’m using it). Most of the cast are veteran RvD writers and performers. They are, in order of the size of their genetilia: Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Becca Levine, myself, Nat Topping and Mackenzie Yeager. Mackenzie is the one newbie in the group but she comes with great credentials and has rapidly gotten used to our shorthand way of communicating, mostly through dick jokes and obscene hand gestures. These guys are all good enough that if it comes down to it I can just hide behind them and they can run with the show and only my Mom would miss me.

Thus far we have blocked everything but our special silent scene and will be running and working and working and running scenes going forward. I block fairly quickly and I think that went smoothly, but we had a helluva fight on our hands wrestling the lyrics to “A Gospel Song for Atheists” so they would fit with music. (No fair changing Joe’s words, we somehow made the music fit.) And I would be petty if didn’t thank Joe for rhyming “spaghetti.”

I have also had some fun with the title scene (“A Thing I Wrote” in case your forgot), breaking it up and sprinkling it throughout so that it sort of forms the spine of the show (very much the way RvD likes to do things). It features a glasses wearing, slightly balding, comedy writer character that I can only say is very much like someone you know if you have read this far into this blog entry and I shall do my best to do this character justice.

Ahem. I’ve said too much.

Wednesday, June 9 (paired up with “Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Treadmill” which starts at 8 p.m.) Our show will begin shortly after theirs ends and it’s only $10 for both shows! Get yer tickets here!

“A Thing I Wrote” (Director - Chris Othic. Cast: Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Becca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping, Mackenzie Yeager)

Fellatio for Fruit Bats

2010-05-17T12:07:00.000-05:00

Pity poor Dylan Evans.

While the lecturer in ‘behavioural science’ at University College Cork has been cleared of sexual harassment charges, he will still be subjected to a two year probation for offending a female colleague at the college. The man just wanted to share his findings, after all.

Don’t pity him for the probation, though. Pity him because his findings were in a paper entitled “Fellatio by fruit bats prolongs copulation time.” Pity Dylan Evans because he’s the type of guy that studies oral sex in fruit bats.

He’s also the type of guy that posts video of himself droning on and on about something in the way that only a British professor can and, in his spare time, is also a DJ (The cleverly named PhDJ, as a matter of fact). I know what you’re saying: this is one cool cat. A cool cat with a bat fetish.

So apparently Professor Evans just wanted to share his paper. The female colleague thought he was trying to share something else. I can only imagine what that conversation must have been like. In fact, if anyone wants to write that scene I’ll post it next Monday.

I would also love to know what the benefits are to humanity in studying the sucking, licking and biting habits of fruit bats on one another’s genitalia. At least NASA gave us Tang. What the hell kind of good comes from fruit bat carpet munching?

Obamfalo... or is it Bufbama?

2010-05-13T12:33:00.002-05:00

So I learned that President Obama is making a stop in my home town area of Buffalo, NY today. Apparently it is partially in response to a billboard that got put up in Buffalo, which I also just learned about today (seriously, my friends and family back home suck at keeping me in the loop).

According to my fellow Buffalo friend and fellow RvD writer, Mike Bauman, Obama has made a stop at Duff's on Dick Rd in Cheektowaga and ordered 5 extra hot wings. The thing about Duff's is their wing sauce is extreme hot. Like, Satan's crotch hot. I am hoping he burns his mouth and it prevents him from talking, not because I don't like Obama, but because I think it would be a fun story for a dying city. The news writers would say something like "The final nail in Buffalo's coffin was an inadvertent mouth-mauling of President Barack Obama after he made a visit to the city and tried some of it's famous chicken wings. Although never confirmed, it was fairly apparent that President Obama made it his side project to strangle what little economy remained in the city as a revenge move for causing a pain the President described as 'like having the sun ejaculate lava into my mouth'."

I either want to see that happen or I want him to simply hand over a government check for one billion dollars to Erie County. Knowing the track record of Buffalo and Erie County though, the burnt mouth scenario is not only much more likely, but its practically a guaranteed thing. Sigh...

David Facchini - Renaissance (Faire) Man

2010-05-12T17:06:00.005-05:00

David Facchini is a fascinating guy. I know David as the director of all 9 of Creepy Hug's sketch revues (plus 3 Sketchfests--or maybe just two--I can't remember.) But he's also a home-makeoverer. He's auditioning for a reality show on HGTV. He wants to be to the All-American Handyman Competition what Collier Strong is to the Loreal Paris make-up room on Project Runway. And I for one would let him style up my home any day.

Creepy Hug rehearses regularly in David's condo, the very one featured in this video, and he blends functionality with aesthetics so well that I didn't realize many of these things I've seen for years had function. I just thought they were to make his studio space look even cooler than it is. His whole space is basically one big room that he's sectioned off into about 5 or 6 spaces (plus bathroom and walk-in closet) in innovative ways.

If you aren't funny or cute enough to be invited to David's place, check out what you're missing in his audition video below!

Show Review: Crassus

2010-05-11T10:55:00.005-05:00

How do you review a show before it even happens? Well, like this:

The mantastic comedy duo of Crassus (Nat Topping and Geoff Crump) appeared at Fizz Bar tonight (Tuesday, May 11 at 7:30 p.m.) and killed (figuratively if not almost literally when they got in a knife fight on stage during their 12-minute set). These guys are the first spin-off* from local faves Robot vs. Dinosaur, a sketch comedy group that ranks somewhere below Monty Python and far above Think Tank and whom you should definitely be on the lookout for.

But I digress. We’re here to talk about Crassus. I really liked the show, which was a unique blend of dark humor, relationship exploration and dick joke after dick joke after somebody shat in my hand joke.

A brief breakdown of tonight’s scenes (most likely, since the show hasn’t even happened yet):

The show opened with Nat feeding Geoff grapes. The grapes were sour, however, and the end result was not only a unique play on the phrase “sour grapes” but also an exploration of what it means to be in love.

After a quick black out to move a single chair (this bit became a running part of the show and eventually led to the previously mentioned knife fight) the lights came up and the audience was hit in the face with some more comedy. In what can only be described as a “masturbatory fantasy” Nat and Geoff explored the comic possibilities of masturbation as an Olympic Sport. I don’t want to spoil anything, but the end of this one would have made Gallagher proud. Gold medals all around for their object work, too.

The third scene was probably my favorite. These guys really explored character and emotion when they portrayed two gay Siamese twins who decided to adopt a one-armed baby and bring it home for the first time. I know that doesn’t even make sense but it’s one of those “you had to be there” scenes. That the scene was wisely played for drama more than comedy speaks a lot about the talent of Nat and Geoff as they explore what it means to be a parent, and what the meaning of home is for two gay Siamese twins who live in a sausage factory. Great object work in this one, as well.

Another great scene (see picture below) featured old Nat (played by Nat) coming back to tell young Nat (played by Geoff) how to live his life. This one brought tears to my eyes.

Young Nat (Geoff) and Old Nat (Nat) discuss life, love and the best way to pleasure a whale in a scene from Crassus' first show.

The next scene dealt with Nat and Geoff’s decision to be sewn together as a human centipede, and the ensuing problem when they both want to be at the back end of the monstrosity. I loved it when a scene that could easily have turned into an argument takes a strange turn and becomes so much more. And they both sing beautifully (which was impressive because by the end of the scene they had sewn each other’s mouths to the other one’s anus). This was also quite possibly the best use of the James Blunt song, "You're Beautiful" in any show I have ever seen.

The penultimate scene was so simple and touching (beware the double entrendre!) in its premise and execution that I don’t want to give it away. Let’s just say it involved a prop with a hole cut in it and the fate of the entire world is at stake when the dynamic duo have to decide what to put in the hole. This one doesn’t end how you think it will!

The final scene of the night (the show was “cut short” when Geoff literally sliced Nat with a blade) was an office scene where Geoff fires Nat for stealing office supplies. Maybe they were going to do a callback later that involved dick jokes or something, but this one was just a typical scene set in an office with office humor and also at the end you find out that Geoff and Nat are brothers. Meh.

The show ended, appropriately, with a stabbing. This was only right because Crassus had been stabbing the audience in the face with comedy for the previous 12 minutes. These guys know how to be funny and the running themes they explore such as love, status in a relationship and potty humor are right in their wheel house.

Overall, I’m pretty sure it was a great show even though it hasn’t happened yet. I highly recommend it. Check them out tonight (May 11) and next Tuesday (May 18) at Fizz Bar (3220 North Lincoln) at 7:30 p.m.--and it’s FREE!

*Other RvD members Chris Othic and Greg Wendling also have plans to do their own RvD branded one-woman show in the fall.

A Picture of a Monkey

2010-05-10T15:18:00.000-05:00

Well, somebody has to post something on here, so today it's gonna be me.

Are you fascinated yet?

Robot vs. Dinosaur Word Cloud

2010-05-04T15:17:00.005-05:00

Courtesy of Wordle.net.

The Way to a Putin's Heart is Through a Killer Kitten

2010-05-03T12:24:00.000-05:00

For those of you foolish enough to visit my regular blog, Clever Title, you are probably already aware that I have an unhealthy Vladimir Putin fixation.

Why would any red blooded American have such a man-crush on the strong armed Russian puppet master? Two reasons.

Reason Number One: LOOK INTO HIS EYES!!

Can you feel the deep Siberian chill echoing through your soul now? I’ll bet you can.

Reason Number Two: He’s like the Russian Chuck Norris, except (a) Vladimir Putin serves the sexy powers of darkness, and (b) Vladimir Putin’s crazy exploits ARE REAL.

Exhibit A, one article detailing an exchange of gifts between Vladimir Putin and Iran. Most world leaders exchange fruit baskets. Putin exchanges KILLER CATS. In this instance we’re talking Persian Leopards, which Putin hopes to reintroduce to the Caucasus region so that he can finally have a worthy adversary in hand to hand combat.

Contrary to popular belief, that cage is to protect the leopard.

I’ll start taking bets in the comment section – not ‘who would win’ but ‘how many seconds before Putin is wearing that cat like a tuxedo?’

A gift for the broken-hearted

2010-04-29T09:59:00.004-05:00

In American culture, we recognize many of life’s milestones with gifts: a first-time father is often presented with a cigar, kitchen appliances/decor for the recently betrothed, a lap-top for the high school graduate. But perhaps we’re missing out on an important group of people who need gifts. Why give gifts to those who already feel that the world is their oyster when there are needy people suffering?

(Warning: this post is not about the homeless, starving children in Africa, etc.)

I got dumped last week and at the time I most desperately needed gifts, there were none. But in my family and friend’s defense, what do you get someone who has been “kicked to the curb”? Sure you can take a friend out to dinner or a drink, but what they really need is a gift, some physical sign of affection that says, “Don’t cut yourself. I still like you.”

But I discovered the perfect gift (ironically while refilling my prescription for birth control) at my local Walgreens! I present to you the latest and greatest post-relationship award of survival and encouragement: The Rally Monkey!

If you know anything about major league baseball, you know the Rally Monkey is the Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) symbol of a come-back. It got started in 2000, when the Angels were trailing vs. the Giants in the bottom of the ninth. Two video board operators took a clip of the monkey from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and superimposed the words “RALLY MONKEY!” on top of it. Go figure, the Angels went on to win the game and the Rally Monkey was lauded as the team’s saving grace. Now fans bring their own stuffed rally monkeys to the game in the event their powers are needed.

Is there a loser in your life who is striking out in the game of love? Help get your friend back in the ballgame with their very own Relationship Rally Monkey and remind them: just because you’re down, doesn’t mean you’re out. Pick one up today and celebrate your comeback to the dating world!

Purchase your friend a Rally Monkey by clicking here.

Special Stephen Hawking Dick Joke Of the Day

2010-04-27T10:54:00.002-05:00

Just for fun, here is your Special Stephen Hawking Dick Joke Of the Day:

“Stephen Hawking’s dick is so big, it developed into something we wouldn’t want to meet. It used up all the resources from its home planet, then became a nomad, existing in a massive ship (of course it’s massive), looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets it could reach.

Which would be all of them, because it is so big.”

My thoughts:

Here is another My Dick Is So Big joke, only with a slight twist (like my dick) in that it boasts about someone else’s member. It’s also topical. Stephen has a special place in the hearts of RvD members, because he was the punch line to a scene in our last show, and also because doing a Stephen Hawking impression is one of the greatest party tricks of all time.

A few other versions of a Stephen Hawking dick joke might go like this:

“Stephen Hawking’s dick is so big, it has its own voice translator.”

“Stephen Hawking’s dick is so big, aliens plan to colonize it.”

“Stephen Hawking’s dick is so big, only Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith can save us from it.”

or, lastly:

“Stephen Hawking’s dick is so big, N = R* fp ne f l fi fc L.”

The last one is a MDISB joke that only Stephen Hawking would find funny.

I also think the last few prove that shorter is better, which is definitely not the case when talking about, you guessed it, my dick.

Stephen Hawking: Intergalactically Antisocial

2010-04-26T13:11:00.001-05:00

In honor of RvD shows past and future, I present to you this article about Stephen Hawking and alien visitors.

For over a century, the human mind has been fascinated with the possibility of alien life on a distant planet: specifically whether or not we should fear them (a la Independence Day) or try to have sex with them (that new Star Trek with the hot green alien chick in her underwear).

Our own Chris Othic clearly sides in the sex camp, as evidenced by this dissertation on Alien attractiveness.

Well, count Stephen Hawking in the ‘fear them’ camp, seen here destroying one of the moons of Jupiter with his mind.

In a new documentary series (tentatively titles “In Which Stephen Hawking Targets Ridiculous Subjects with His Massive Mental Powers for Sport), Hawking suggests that alien life forms might be very very bad for us. “We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.”

If this postulation sounds familiar to you, that’s because it is literally the premise of Independence Day. Like, almost word for word. Stephen Hawking has just ripped off a Will Smith movie.

Hawking recommends that we not seek out intelligent life forms and attempt to make contact as that might lead to the White House being destroyed by a gigantic ship. After all, Bill Pullman might not be there for us to be our President and lead us through the ensuing war.

That’s all speculation. One thing is for certain, though: Stephen Hawking is not the most social lifeform in the galaxy. The following was edited out of the documentary’s narrative, presumably for time.

STEPHEN HAWKING (in Speak and Spell voice)

“Contact with Alien Life Forms is to be avoided at all cost. This includes, if need be, snubbing them at shared social gatherings. There’s nothing worse than being shown up in front of your fellow partiers by an advanced life form claiming to know more about ‘The History of Time’ than one with my enormous intellect could ever conceive of. First, such statements are rude even if they are true. Second, I have a hard enough time meeting girls as it is without being cock blocked by some green tenticled asshole from Alpha Centauri. I mean, screw that guy.”

I'm an inventor!

2010-04-23T09:41:00.004-05:00

I didn’t drink much in my freshman year in college because I couldn’t stomach the taste of beer. However, my freshman year roommate, Mandy, was from Wisconsin and was a much more seasoned drinker. She took me under her wing and I tried my best, but on multiple occasions, things ended with me dry-heaving and turning to Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Once I even tried putting sugar in the beer, hoping it would mask the horrible, horrible taste. It did not.

But over time, I slowly got used to beer and can now drink it and mostly enjoy it. (Sorry, it’s never going to be refreshing like Mountain Dew or Cherry Coke). But tonight, I will be giving beer my focus with my favorite drinking game! America’s Funniest Home Videos (AFV) drinking game!

Yes, this is a game I invented. It’s fun and easy – I’ve laid out the rules below so you too can joyously binge.

Step 1: Get beer and friends.

Step 2: Queue up AFV. I got “Americas’s Funniest Home Videos: Battle of the Best” DVD from Netflix. For folks on a budget, check your local TV listings.

Step 3: There are a number of major categories, such an animals, babies, sports and games, etc. Gather round your favorite friends and be sure to select at least one subcategory from each major category.

Step 4: Start watching. Every time one of your subcategories gets hit, take a sip!

Here are the categories (and subcategories) I have compiled from countless hours of watching AFV:

ANIMALS

Dogs falling

Cats falling

Exotic animals – ex. Giraffes, chimps, “zoo animals”

Animal bites

Animals being weird – ex. A dog on a skateboard? That’s weird!

SPORTS AND GAMES

Freak sports success

Pain in sports

Winter sports falls
Watersports

BABIES

Babies being gross

Babies being cute

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SAY…

"That's so dangerous!" (Definition: These videos are funny but you realize they almost resulted in major injury or death. Example: a baby falls down a flight of stairs only to land laughing on a pillow. “That’s so dangerous!”)

"You were asking for it!" (Definition: These videos are usually inspired by people doing something all people with sound judgment/basic physics knowledge know they should never do. Example: A man knocks ice off his roof by standing directly under it. The video ends with him at the bottom of an avalanche, perhaps with a hilarious concussion. “What you do expect? You were asking for it!”)

"Didn't see that coming!" (Definition: This video did not end at all like how you thought it would. Examples: An ice skater does a triple axel and lands it. You think the video will end in her falling on her face. Instead, a prop boat knocks her off her feet. “Where did that boat come from? I didn’t see that coming!”)

OLD PEOPLE

Old people falling

Old people being sassy/angry

BODILY HARM

Hit in groin

Hit in face

Something hits camera

Running into stationary objects

Pinatas

Trampolines

BED BATH & BEYOND

Houses being destroyed

People screaming in terror

Fat people getting stuck in something

Kids being smart

Nakedness (includes pants falling off)

Fire

**Note:**

A scene classification is not mutually exclusive – it can be classified in a number of ways so be sure to drink for all of them. If a grandma is dancing and her pants fall off and she subsequently falls over, you should drink once for pants falling off AND once for people falling.

This is an exhaustive list, but it’s not totally complete. Don’t be afraid to use your imagination! If you rent “AFV: Love and Marriage” or “AFV: Salute to romance” the world will be your oyster with new categories like “cake in the face”, “uncomfortable marriage blessings”, and “grooms fainting at the alter!”

Do you love going too far with an idea? Why not make a bingo scorecard with your favorite subcategories? First to shout BINGO gets to make everyone else finish their beers!

(Lavar Burton, Reading Rainbow outro):

Remember, you’re only an alcoholic if you drink alone so make a night of it with your favorite friends. But you don’t have to take my word for it!

Drum Roll Please!

2010-04-22T09:53:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen and whatever else may have stumbled upon this blog. Here is the cast list for Robot vs. Dinosaur's upcoming show "12 Angry Sketches":

Nora Broz
Nick Cutelli
Chloe Ditzel
Mike Dobbyn
Mel Evans
Dean Gibbs
Susie Gutowski
Dustin Levell
Becca Levine
Erin Morrill
Nat Topping
Greg Wendling
Doug Werder

Congratulations to those who were cast and thank you to everyone who came out and auditioned. It was tough to whittle the list down as there were plenty of great performances. Hopefully we'll see you again at a future audition. Now we just need to write the show... oops. I've said to much.

Treevenge

2010-04-20T12:37:00.004-05:00

It's a crazy week here at RvD HQ as we held auditions last weekend, chose the running order last night and are meeting twice more this week to finalize the script and do our line-by-line read to make it funny.

As a result, I've got nothing for you, other than this INCREDIBLE short that you have to check out. It's so over the top, satirical, gory, stupid, crazy, and just plain dumb that I figure it will entertain you. I should have waited until Christmas to post this, but my busy schedule this week means Christmas is coming early this year.

Do yourself a favor and have the kids leave the room. And if you have a short attention span or get bored, fast-forward to the 10:16 mark. You will not be dissapointed.

I'm sorry.

Post Audition Glow

2010-04-19T13:17:00.000-05:00

Hooray for auditions!

We held them on Saturday and had a great turn out, despite the early audition times at an unfamiliar (though awesome) location. A ton of talent came out - it's great to know we have that much talent available.

Now comes the hard part, which is deciding which of those incredibly talented people fit the show. Tonight we finalize the scenes that will be in the show and then finalize the casting. So if we look tired and strung out tomorrow morning, that's why. We're planning to have a cast list up in this space by the end of the week - possibly earlier.

If you are reading this and auditioned for us, thank you for coming out. If you are reading this and did not audition, come see the show Fridays in June at Donny's Skybox.

If you are reading this and did not audition and have no intention of seeing the show, then go somewhere else, please.

Back to the Important Stuff - AUDITION NOTICE again!

2010-04-15T10:35:00.000-05:00

Robot vs. Dinosaur is NOW CASTING for its new show, "12 Angry Sketches," a fun, high energy scripted sketch revue.

AUDITION TIME:

Saturday, April 17, 2010
at CORNELIA ARTS BUILDING (1800 West Cornelia), Studio B.

Slots available each hour from 10 a.m. through 3 p.m. The audition will be cold readings from the script with some improv.

PERFORMANCES:

DONNY’S SKYBOX, Friday’s at 9 p.m. from June 4-June 25
(Important: You must able to make all performances to audition.)

CASTING:

Looking for a variety of MALES and FEMALES. This will be a large cast show. It will be a fun time and a great opportunity for all levels of experience.

To sign up for a time slot, please email your name, phone number and preferred time slot to gwendling at gmail.com. (Slots begin at 10 a.m./11 a.m./12 p.m/1 p.m./and 2 p.m.) I will reply to confirm your slot.

Please bring headshots and resumes (if you have them) to the audition, as well as your availability for rehearsals from now through June 4th.

Mr. Gorbachev, Don't Tear Down This Wall

2010-04-13T15:45:00.001-05:00

I am Chris Othic and I build things. This is one of them.

I built this retaining-wall-landscaping-thingy for my parents this weekend. What should have been a couple hours of fairly menial labor took about 15 hours of backbreaking work and a case of beer.

But it will last forever.

Special thanks to my good buddy Doug McMullen ("Willie") at Douglas Landscape and Design for donating the brick and giving me a lesson in how to make a not-so-crooked wall.

No thanks to my brother Danny for suggesting we need to do something about the dirt on each side of my parents' driveway, starting the project, then drinking my beer and abandoning me for the next two days.

I expect this to remain standing for thousands of years, or at least until the next time my mom tries to park in the driveway and destroys it.

If you like my work, I am offering my services to anyone who is willing to pay for only $1000/hour. I will take my shirt off while I work for an additional $10/hour.

Me posing all sexy-like on your new landscaping is free of charge.

AUDITION NOTICE

2010-04-12T08:21:00.001-05:00

AUDITION NOTICE

Robot vs. Dinosaur is NOW CASTING for its new show, "12 Angry Sketches," a fun, high energy scripted sketch revue.

AUDITION TIME:

Saturday, April 17, 2010
at CORNELIA ARTS BUILDING (1800 West Cornelia), Studio B.

Slots available each hour from 10 a.m. through 3 p.m. The audition will be cold readings from the script with some improv.

PERFORMANCES:

DONNY’S SKYBOX, Friday’s at 9 p.m. from June 4-June 25
(Important: You must able to make all performances to audition.)

CASTING:

Looking for a variety of MALES and FEMALES. This will be a large cast show. It will be a fun time and a great opportunity for all levels of experience.

To sign up for a time slot, please email your name, phone number and preferred time slot to gwendling at gmail.com. (Slots begin at 10 a.m./11 a.m./12 p.m/1 p.m./and 2 p.m.) I will reply to confirm your slot.

Please bring headshots and resumes (if you have them) to the audition, as well as your availability for rehearsals from now through June 4th.

Sherlock Holmes 2: Electric Boogaloo

2010-04-10T12:38:00.000-05:00

Unbelievably, I didn't receive a single phone call from a Hollywood mogul offering to produce my screenplay for the Sherlock Holmes sequel. Maybe they need to see more.

INT. LONDON CITY PRISON - DAY

Watson, dressed only in a towel and bowler hat, is sitting in a large, filthy, common cell. He is surrounded by twenty other filthy criminals. Holmes enters and walks up to the bars. Watson walks over.

WATSON
(angrily)
This is your fault.

HOLMES
My fault? It's my fault that you're naked and surrounded by dangerous men? That sounds more to be a lifestyle choice on your part.

WATSON
Asshole.

HOLMES
You embarrass me the way you did yesterday --

WATSON
(contritely)
I apologize. At least you captured the evil Jack Frost.

HOLMES
Not quite.

WATSON
What do you mean?

HOLMES
Remember when you removed your clothing --

WATSON
Yes, yes.

HOLMES
-- And then proceeded --

WATSON
There is no need to recount it, Holmes.

HOLMES
But I would like to. You proceed to yell, (to the other prisoners) what was it, boys?

WATSON
Fuck you, Sherlock.

HOLMES
You know it, fellas.

CRIMINAL #1
Yes, it was in all the papers.

HOLMES
All together now!

CRIMINALS
(in unison)
Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy! Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy!

They continue the chant as Holmes and Watson speak.

WATSON
Damnit, Holmes! I will shit down your throat while you sleep.

HOLMES
Hardly an original idea, Watson, as I have already performed just that act on you.

WATSON
What? When?

HOLMES
At least once a fortnight for the last year.

WATSON
Ridiculous! How could I have not known?

HOLMES
Elementary! Your fiancee is a shitty cook.

WATSON
Steady.

HOLMES
So when you awoke in the morning with a tongue tasting of excrement, you simply assumed that it was remaining flavor of the previous evening's fancy feast.

WATSON
You filthy pile of --

HOLMES
We were speaking of the escape of Jack Frost.

WATSON
Oh, yes.

HOLMES
As everyone was distracted by your marvelous performance, Frost put on your discarded clothing, urinated on the corpses of the children, and simply walked away.

WATSON
Oh dear.

HOLMES
Who's the filthy pile of dried ejaculate now?

WATSON
How did you know I was going to say "dried ejaculate?"

HOLMES
You are naked and surrounded by hardened criminals. What else would you be thinking about?

What the writing?

2010-04-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

I find it very important to write down ideas I have for sketches as soon as I think of them. To often I think of something, realize that it could make a very funny sketch, and then two days later dig through my brain to try and remember that super funny idea I had that was sure to be the idea that finally got me recognized and catapulted me to the moderate amount of fame I so desperately desire. The side affect... effect... aeffect of this is I sometimes find pieces of paper with some ridiculous thing written on it that at some point I knew was a good idea but now, for the life of me, I can't decipher why the idea was funny or sometimes what it even alludes to. There is a stand up comic that does a bit about this, but I never actually encountered it myself until I started writing my little ideas down.

Example: I have written down "Blog entry - how easy it is to fall in love with a stripper who is good at her job". This one makes sense, and I certainly have gone to a lot of strip clubs in my day. Strip clubs are filled with loneliness. A good stripper seeks out your loneliness, cuddles it, relates to it, makes it feel good about itself, and then shoves her tits in your face. That is essentially the formula for falling in love. And that's about it. How I planned to turn this idea into a full blog entry I do not know. Sure it's true, but not that funny. However, when I wrote it down I thought it would be hilarious.

Here's another one: Crazy architect. Yes, it makes sense, but what caused my brain to go, "Hey, a crazy architect would be funny." This one came in the midst of having a conversation with fellow RvD member Nat Topping, so something in the conversation had to spurn it. But now I just see "crazy architect" and for the life of me find where the humor is supposed to be.

Then there are idea you write down and later realize it has already been done. For instance - "sketch" comedian draws + tells stories and the ending/punchline is an actual sketch. I actually wrote that in that exact vernacular. So I essentially re-created comedian Demetri Martin. I didn't realize I was re-creating Demetri Martin at the time I wrote it down. I thought it was a fun and original idea. The best part is I don't find Demetri Martin very funny, so why in the hell did I think me doing basically the same type of bit would be?

"Signals hardcore but can't act on it - Grand Central situation"... I think I might know what this was alluding too.

"Creating words that rhyme with purple and orange and silver and such"... Hi-larious.

"Johnny Fucknut and the Titty Twins"... maybe a sketch about a rock band?

"Slow mo tooth brushing race get 3, 4, 5 toothbrushes in mouth at same time"... Um......

For all the weird, nonsense ideas I find there are 4 or 5 ideas that actually could be lovingly crafted into comedy gold, so it is worthwhile. But sometimes I just don't know what I was thinking.

P.S. If I see any sketches, plays, or movies produced that are based on any of the ideas in this post unless written by RvD, I'll sue your ass. I need the money. Also, shame on you for not being able to think of better ideas then these.

REAL Movie Trivia

2010-04-07T10:57:00.005-05:00

This started as a comment to Chris's post from yesterday, but it got so long that I thought I'd make it a post.

I saw "How To Train Your Dragon" this weekend and it had one of the most unintentionally funny movie slides I've seen. It read:

"Liam Neeson was so excited to be in 'Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace' that he agreed to be in it before reading the script."

Funny enough on its own, right? We all know that was a bad movie. But the next sentence read:

"Liam is starring in 2010's 'Clash of the Titans'."

Which to me implies something about Liam Neeson's new script selection process.

It's also funny to me that for that Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes are working together again on "Clash of The Titans" for the first time since "Schindler's List." These movies are synonymous with "bad" and "good" movies.

RANDOM INTERROGATOR

Quick! Name a good movie!

ME (frantic)

Uh, I don't know, "Schindler's List"!

RANDOM INTERROGATOR

Quicker! Name a bad movie!

ME (frantic)

Gee, I don't--

RANDOM INTERROGATOR

Faster!

"Clash of The Titans!"

RANDOM INTERROGATOR

Does life require pain so that we may enjoy pleasure?

Why are you doing this to me?

RANDOM INTERROGATOR

Prove to me that you are real and not just a figment of my imagination!

But Wednesday's aren't even my day to post on this blog!

The Assistant Director's Cut

2010-04-06T16:32:00.010-05:00

The first show I did right after going through the Second City Training Center's Writing Program was The Assistant Director's Cut, back in 2004. It was a twisted take on movies. One of the ideas we had was to do a preshow with movie trivia slides like you see when you go to a real movie. We ended up not doing it, but I occassionally show people the slides for fun. Here are a few. Credit for these goes to the show and the cast, which were myself, Aaron Sjoholm, Adam Moroze, Laura Hugg, Lisa Lohman, Robert Cass and John Steeno.

You can click on the slides to embiggen them. Have some popcorn and enjoy:

The one below is definitely out of date:

Baseball: America's Great Waste of Time (But You Love it Anyway)

2010-04-05T12:20:00.001-05:00

It’s April; spring is in the air; the sun actually shows itself from time to time; and the unpredictably nonsensical slap-fest that is College Basketball is almost over. That’s right, sports fans, it’s time for the long and grueling Baseball season to begin.

I can already hear you through the monitor: I hear your hopes and dreams and expectations and they are all running high. This is the way it works. By the time we reach game number 162 your team of choice will likely have been grounded into a paste made from tears and powdered disappointment (in one case, it took 163 games but, rest assured, we got there eventually), but for the moment everything is great and every single one of your starting pitchers will be the Cy Young award winner.

You probably will not have a Cy Young award winning pitcher this year. Unless you have Zach Greinke.

So, in order to save you from the inevitable pain of disappointment four months down the line, let Uncle Nat help you set expectations. If anyone knows about rooting for underperforming baseball, football and basketball teams, it’s Uncle Nat. And I’m not even a Cubs fan. (*ZING*)

Here are five things you can expect for this (and probably every other) upcoming baseball season:

Your team is not as good as Spring Training has led you to believe. Right now, you are probably thinking “My team looks pretty good. I don’t care if people are picking so-and-so at the top of such-and-such division. My team will use that disrespect as motivation. They’re going to surprise a lot of people.” No, actually, they aren’t going to surprise a lot of people. They just aren’t that good. And, over the course of the 162 games, this will be proven in no uncertain terms. There are no flukes over that long of a season.
One of your most important players will get hurt or traded to the New York Yankees or Boston Red Sox. This is inevitable. You will blame the eventual downfall of your team on this one injury or trade, despite the fact that it’s probably a host of things.
Your team does not "have enough pitching." I don’t know how, in a world of nearly seven billion people, it can be possible for teams not to find enough people to throw a baseball, but every year your team does not have enough pitching. It could be starters, relievers, closers, whatever. Somewhere your team is lacking someone and it’s killing your chances at happiness.
Your team also does not "have enough offense." This and the previously mentioned expectation are nifty ways of saying “Our team doesn’t score enough points, and gives up too many points,” which is basically the essence of why a losing team loses. That explanation is too simple, though, so we code it in fancy words.
The New York Yankees or the Boston Red Sox will win the World Series. Why? Because they have to. Yeah yeah Surprise Team from the West, yeah yeah Team from Florida who is “underrated.” At the end of the day New York or Boston will play either St. Louis or Philly and that will be the end of it. If you are a fan of one of these four teams, good for you. If not, get used to it. This is the way baseball is.

But you will watch anyway because sports are fun and football doesn’t unofficially start back up until August, so you are stuck with Baseball. And while you might be wasting your time rooting for a team destined for failure, there will be glimpses of greatness or at least cold beer and hotdogs. All things considered it’s not a bad waste as time goes.

Sherlock Holmes 2: The Search for Curly's Gold

2010-04-03T09:12:00.003-05:00

That Sherlock Holmes movie was successful enough to warrant a sequel and, dang it, I'm determined to write that film. Why? Because I love power and influence, and who has more power and influence in Hollywood than the screenwriter, right? So, Hollywood big shots (I'm talking to you, Corey Feldman), here's a bit of my spec script for Sherlock Holmes 2.

EXT. STREETS OF LONDON - DAY

A drizzly, foggy London morning seen through the filthy window of a warehouse.

SUPERIMPOSE: "London 1892"

Two figures emerge from the fog as SHERLOCK HOLMES and DR. JOHN WATSON walk up to the front entrance of a private elementary school. They stop.

WATSON
I say, Holmes.

HOLMES
Yes, Watson?

WATSON
I was wondering, Holmes, what kind of school is this?

Holmes slaps Watson harshly across the face.

HOLMES
You stupid bitch. Are you trying to get me to say, "elementary, my dear Watson?"

WATSON
Yes.

HOLMES
Fuck you.

CUT TO:

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

A close-up of Holmes looking through a magnifying glass, picking up samples with tweezers and placing them in small tubes, and doing math in a small notebook. He stands up next to Watson.

HOLMES
That should do it.

WATSON
So, what happened here, Holmes?

HOLMES
Fourteen students were stabbed to death by the master criminal, Jack Booth.

WATSON
Amazing! How did you deduce that, Holmes?

HOLMES
Are you fucking stupid? Booth is standing right there, surrounded by corpses, and repeatedly screaming, "I like the stabbings!"

CUT TO:

JACK BOOTH, covered in blood, surrounded by fourteen dead children.

BOOTH
(screaming)
I like the stabbings!

CUT TO:

HOLMES
You are so fucking useless, you old leather queen. Why do I keep you around?

WATSON
I have lithographs of you, the Prince Regent, and a Scottish Terrier.

Holmes reddens and gestures at Watson to quiet down.

HOLMES
All right.

WATSON
Fucking.

HOLMES
Yes, I understand.

WATSON
A dog. You're fucking a dog.

HOLMES
Enough.

WATSON
Is that what the dog said?

HOLMES
Rot in hell, you and your ass face!

WATSON
(yelling)
Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy!

HOLMES
Quiet!

Watson strips off his clothing.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREETS OF LONDON - DAY

Watson, completely naked, runs down the street.

WATSON
(screaming)
Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy! Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy.

I'm waiting for your call, Hollywood.

The Funniest Sketch I Ever Wrote in My Macroeconomics Class

2010-04-02T09:30:00.004-05:00

Although you wouldn't know it from my regularity on this blog, or by the number of sketches I bring to RvD meetings, I've been writing more than I have in years. Except that it's essays for my MBA program, so usually I can't use them for sketch comedy. But one week we were given this assignment...

"You are having a discussion with a friend that suggests that we should “save” the U.S. auto industry and the middle class jobs that it employs. As a student of economics you realize that there are pros and cons to such actions aimed at saving this industry. What would be some of your pro and con arguments?"

"Aha!" I thought. A two-person scene. "At last I can write a sketch for my homework assignment!"

And then I wrote this...

Author's note: The question of whether the government should save the U.S. auto industry and what happens if it fails is a highly complex issue. The Greg and Tim characters in this story both represent my own conflicting but honest opinions, pushed to polar opposites.

CAST
GREG – a college friend of Tim
TIM – a college friend of Greg
STRANGER – a 20-something café customer

(Lights up on two friends, GREG and TIM, sitting at a table in a café. We join them mid-conversation. GREG spits a large mouthful of tea in TIM’s face.)

GREG
I am so sorry, Tim! Please forgive me!

(GREG attempts to clean off Tim’s face and glasses with a paper napkin as TIM stares back with an odd combination of surprise, stoicism, and amusement.)

GREG (cont’d)
I just hadn’t expected you to say something so naïve. I would have once agreed with you, but I’m in a Macroeconomics class now, and I forgot how stupid I used to be.

TIM
Stupid? All I said was that the government should do everything possible to save the U.S. auto industry and the middle class jobs that it employs.

(GREG spits a second round of tea in Tim’s face.)

GREG
I’m so sorry! I was even expecting it that time. It’s just that as a student of economics, I realize that there are pros and cons to such actions aimed at saving that industry.

TIM
Cons? Keeping people gainfully employed has a downside? Do you want the problem in Detroit to get worse? If the Big Three fail, it not only effects the nearly 240,000 people employed directly by Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler, but will indirectly have a catastrophic effect on the hundreds of thousands who depend on them to buy their supplies. Furthermore, those individuals who lose their jobs will have less money to spend at other retailers. (Center For Automotive Research, 2008) People will be desperate and crime will go up.

GREG
There’s no doubt that if the Big Three fail it will have a major negative impact on the U.S. economy. In fact it’s hard for me to realistically imagine a more wide-ranging catastrophic event. However, the industry has been falling apart for years, and while throwing government money at the problem can help things in the short run, I don’t think we’re looking at a permanent fix. If foreign auto companies can make cars better and cheaper, those are the ones people will buy. How much of an investment in government money is it worth to keep trying to find a way to get an edge on the competition? Also, it’s important to remember that we’re not talking about all 240,000 of those jobs disappearing. Foreign companies employ about 113,000 workers directly, and that number will go up if Detroit fails, since they will need to hire more workers to build the cars that the additional demand on foreign automobiles that would result. (Rampell, 2008)

(TIM spits a mouthful of tea in Greg’s face.)

TIM
I apologize.

GREG
I had it coming.

TIM
I just wish I could be as optimistic as you. How many times have we seen U.S. companies outsource jobs to other countries to take advantage of lower wages? Why wouldn’t Japan do the same thing, especially if the domestic U.S. suppliers they used to use are now closed because of the closing of the Big Three. (Rampell, 2008)

GREG
But they won’t close altogether. There will be a huge shock to the system initially, and some suppliers, maybe even many, will fail. But it won’t be long before foreign companies start filling that void, and business to the suppliers will start to increase again. In the meantime, seeds will be planted for new industries that we can’t even imagine.

TIM
New industries, yes. Like green technologies. As the world becomes more aware of global climate change, there is already an increased demand in green products. One of the major polluters is the automobile. Do you see where I’m going with this?

GREG
Yes, you think that green automobiles could be the big thing that saves us.

TIM
You got it. And there are already reasons for genuine hope. For the last four years, the U.S. has seen a significant increase in light vehicle exports. (Klier, 2008)

GREG
You may be right about our light vehicle exports, but I hope you’re not banking on Detroit to find the edge on green automobiles. Japan is already leading that one. They’re an oil-poor country and were researching energy efficiency long before the world became concerned with climate change. They’ve been researching it for years, and their hard work is already paying off. (Rowley, 2008) It’s a race the U.S. is going to lose. The question is only whether we let the companies lose on their own, or delay their loss by giving them more money from our taxes.

TIM
The U.S. has always had the edge on know-how, creativity, and ingenuity. We’ll figure something out.

GREG
Then why haven’t we figured it out for so many years? That industry has been falling apart for 20+ years. Let’s just pull the plug and move on!

(A STRANGER walks up and spits coffee all over Tim and Greg.)

STRANGER
I'm so sorry. This tea is horrible.

GREG
Hey, no problem.

TIM
No worries, these things happen.

(As the STRANGER exits, she spits another mouthful of tea on a couple sitting at another table and promptly apologizes.)

TIM
It's easy for someone who doesn’t work in the industry to tell that entire industry to "move on." Pulling the plug will ruin lives—the lives of real people who actually exist. They’re not just statistics to be looked at coldly on paper. What is the purpose of government if not to organize and protect its citizens? Causing or allowing people to suffer today in the pursuit of bigger profits tomorrow is amoral.

GREG
Maybe there’s a way we can let nature take its course AND protect the people who are going to be hit catastrophically by this? Maybe those billions of dollars spent attempting to bailout a sinking ship could have been reserved to directly improve the quality of life for the individuals who will lose their jobs when they ultimately fail.

TIM
I don’t know. Maybe. (TIM tries to sip his tea but it’s empty.) Hey, I’m out of tea. Can I have some of yours?

GREG
Sure.

TIM
What kind of tea is this? It smells good.

(As TIM sips the tea, GREG reads the label.)

GREG
Japanese Sencha Green Tea. Grown and packaged in Tallahassee, Florida.

(TIM spits a mouthful of tea in Greg’s face. Blackout.)

References:
Rampell, C. (2008). How many jobs depend on the Big Three. Message posted to New York Times Online blog, Economix. Archived at http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/17/how-many-jobs-depend-on-the-big-three/

Rowley, I. (2008). Japan's New Green Car Push. BusinessWeek Online, 16. Retrieved January 31, 2010 from Business Source Elite database.

Klier, T. (2008). U.S. auto exports on the rise. Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago. Retrieved January 31, 2010 from http://midwest.chicagofedblogs.org/archives/2008/07/auto_exportskli.html.

Center For Automotive Research. (2008). Car research memorandum: the impact on the U.S. economy of a major contraction of the Detroit Three automakers. Retrieved January 31, 2010 from http://www.cargroup.org/documents/FINALDetroitThreeContractionImpact_3__001.pdf.

D-
(see me after class)

Bye Bye Love. Bye Bye Fast Foodness

2010-04-01T12:52:00.003-05:00

I'm giving up fast food. It is the first step in my quest to stop eating overly processed shitty food of all kinds. I generally feel fat and unhealthy and I am hoping that is going to finally turn things around a bit. I'm not being militant about it though. If I'm in a position where I have no other reasonable choice, like if I'm stranded in a desert and the only things for miles around are a pile of desert beetles and a Burger King, I'm going to Burger King. I just have to do whatever I can to make sure I am never in that type of position (I've already taken my first step by not joining the Iraqi army).

Over the past couple weeks I have been saying good bye to the fast food restaurants I normally enjoy. I have visited them each for one last meal. You may say "That seems counter-intuitive to your plan to stop eating fast food". To that I cordially invite you to gently tongue my sweaty balls. I just need one last fix and I'll quit, I promise. Here are those I have said good bye to thus far:

Taco Bell - The king of late night dining (at least until McDonald's went 24 hours). Cheap Mexican delights that always made me happy and it's open until like 2am on weekdays and 4am on weekends. The first time I ever threw up due to drinking was because of a mix of beer and a limited time only bacon cheeseburger burrito from Taco Bell. I'm really going to miss their chicken quesadillas. For my last meal I had a couple soft shell tacos, a cheesy roll up, a chicken quesadilla, and a Baja Blast Mountain Dew.

McDonald's - I haven't gone to McDonald's much ever since in high school I found out that Burger King had bacon double cheeseburgers. At the time McDonald's, at least in my town, did not have bacon as an option on any sandwich. I mostly went to McDonald's because I had never eaten a Big Mac and I wanted to try one before my fast food ban was complete. I didn't think it was very impressive at all. For my last meal I had a Big Mac, medium fries, and a Coke. How American is that!?

Wendy's - This one stings. Wendy's has the best specialty sandwiches, and they usually involve lots of bacon, jalapeno peppers, or both. I heard that Wendys is basically the flagship restaurant for other fast food joints. Wendy's will come out with a new sandwich and, if it does well, other fast food restaurants will come out with their own version. That may or may not be true, but I like to think it is. I recently ate (prior to my decision to ban fast food) the new Wendy's Bacon and Blue burger. As soon as I finished the burger I immediately wanted another one. For my last meal I had a Double Baconator, medium fries, and a medium chocolate frosty.

Burger King - My normal go to for fast food. I definitely prefer Burger King over McDonald's. Comparing the Big Mac to the Whopper is like comparing Kate Moss to Monique. One is small, frail, and relatively plain and the other just won an Oscar. The burgers has this wonderful chemical smokiness to them. The fries are generally crisper. They also have sandwiches like "The Angry Whopper" fill with spicy this, that, and the other thing. I will really miss this place. For my last meal I had a Triple Whopper, large fries, and a Coke.

Those are all I have said good bye to for now. Next up will be Arby's, which will probably be the hardest. I don't do there much because there are only a couple of them in Chicago and they are not near me. Arby's is a place that I will always go to if I am on a road trip or out of town show and I pass by one. I never go to Popeye's, White Castle, or KFC so they are not even on my list. I have been to all of them at some point in the past, so I don't feel like I am missing out on anything there.

The only one I may refuse to give up is Mighty Taco. It's a Mexican fast food chain limited to the Buffalo, New York area. I only go there when I am visiting my family back in Buffalo, and I only do that like once a year at most. Plus, it is just to damn good. Like I said, I'm not trying to be militant about this, just much better.

There aren't a lot of jokes in this post, so I leave you with one part of one of my favorites jokes:

Who's there?

Interrupting co...

A Few Observations About the Movie “Clash of the Titans”

2010-03-29T22:53:00.010-05:00

I scored some free passes to an advance screening of “Clash of the Titans” last night, and Greg went with me. While enjoyable, it was what you expected it to be. It started out okay mediocre, then stayed mediocre, then there were some cool special effects, then Greg and I entertained each other by playing the Mystery Science Theater 3000 game during the final act. Below are just a few observations from seeing the film:

1. The tagline “Release the Kraken” is comic gold. It’s quite possibly the best euphemism for unbuttoning your pants in a long, long time. I’m going to exclusively refer to my penis as The Kraken for at least the next year. And I will always use the Liam Neeson accent when doing so.

2. As a matter of fact, any verb used with the phrase “the Kraken,” along with Liam Neeson’s accent, is just pure unadulterated fun. Start with “Release the Kraken” and then work your way up to “Fondle the Kraken” or “Touch the Kraken” or “Tickle the Kraken.” I also like “I’ve got a sore Kraken” and “I pulled my Kraken the other day.” Kraken is a pretty versatile word.

3. The one joke I thought of in advance of seeing the film with Greg (I always have jokes prepared ahead of time when I’m with this guy) was telling him that when they originally filmed the movie, Liam Neeson actually said “Release the Giant Turtle” and that after a few poor test screenings they dubbed in “Kraken” over “Giant Turtle” throughout the entire film. Knowing this going in will change the way you watch the film.

4. About two thirds of the way through the movie things really hit high gear. The fellows end up going to Hades. When they tossed a coin into the river Styx and Charon’s boat starts to rise up out of the water, I couldn’t resist leaning over to Greg and saying “Scusi! Scusi! Scusi! I come down here to driva da boat.” Inside joke unless you saw Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan.

5. Greek goddess looking women are really hot. If I was a brunette with pale skin, I would exclusively wear flowing white robes and sandals. You cannot not look good in these outfits. I daresay you would release a lot of Krakens.

6. Greg pointed it out and I have to say it was true, but all of the women in this movie looked alike. Trying to tell them apart was like trying to tell all the soldiers apart in a WWII movie. There’s a hot brunette in white robes, another hot brunette in white robes, and the one with snakes in her hair.

7. Speaking of euphemisms, at some point Perseus gets a little hot under the collar and the hot brunette in flowing white robes who follows him around for most of the movie tells him to “Ease your storm.” Because apparently Perseus had a storm in his pants. And yes, I will be using that phrase this year, too.

8. After the Kraken jokes and the “ease my storm” jokes started to get old, Medusa shows up and starts turning men to stone. This movie was basically a two-hour dick joke for immature male viewers (me and Greg).

9. Sam Worthington looks like an action star. I actually like him. But after seeing Terminator: Salvation, Avatar, and Clash of the Titans, I have to say he only has one note. One masculine, square-jawed, chiseled good looking note.

10. That’s all I have. This movie is bad enough to be enjoyable. It made me Kraken up. And by the way, I like to pronounce "Titans" as if it rhymes with "kittens."

Hot Tub Time Machine: Nat Topping Seal of Approval

2010-03-29T15:12:00.000-05:00

"Hot Tub Time Machine" sounds exactly like what it is: a stupid and yet brilliant premise. This is one of the best stupid movies (defined as a movie featuring projectile vomiting on rodents or some similarly horrendous sight gag) I've seen in a good long while and, he bonus, a bunch of references to the eighties. Which, if The Wedding Singer has proven anything, it's that when you set your movie in the 80's you are bound to hit on at least something funny.

If you are looking for a brainy review of the movie, including meditations on the existential implications for those suffering through the disappointments of life, etc. etc. then go here.

Otherwise, I hereby grant Hot Tub Time Machine the Nat Topping Seal of Approval!

Yes, this is what I've spent the last hour and a half "working on."

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